Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 9 Kislev, 5784
Parsha Vayeitzei (Genesis 28:10 – 32:3)
Fourth Portion: Genesis 30:14 – 30:27

Good morning – as we enter into this holiday season in America, we are focusing in on gratitude. Today’s portion (and if you read my commentary from the past two years) focused on worth.

I am reflecting on yesterday’s portion – what will we choose to work towards? What determines our worth? Tenderness? Beauty? Something else? Let’s dig in:

30:14: Reuben went in the days of the wheat harvest, and he found dudaim in the field and brought them to Leah, his mother, and Rachel said to Leah, “Now give me some of your son’s dudaim.”

15And she said to her, “Is it a small matter that you have taken my husband, that [you wish] also to take my son’s dudaim?” So Rachel said, “Therefore, he shall sleep with you tonight as payment for your son’s dudaim.”

Rachel and Leah have competing worth here. Rachel likes surface/material things. Her beauty was skin deep. She was unhappy with the love of Jacob in her life – that is not where her worth came from. She wanted dudaim (Jasmine flowers).

Leah was tender. And her worth came from tenderness. She wanted the tenderness of Jacob – and didn’t have it.

Here we have two women who did not feel fully worthy on their own. They needed something external to bring them value. And they make a trade.

At no point did either one feel satisfied with the situation as is.  They needed different circumstances to be happy.

How much do we struggle with this? Neither Rachel or Leah felt like they MATTERED. They were “seeking things they already had” (as I wrote two years ago).

This is super salient from what I wrote two years ago:

“What we really want is a real relationship. We get stuck in the trial (worthy vs unworthy). We get obsessed with the external validation. What we REALLY want Is someone else to know our potential, to recognize it, and to see our best qualities. We also want others to help us out when we are not doing so well. To point out where We need to put more energy or put in more effort or ask for help.

The reason for this is because we do NOT believe internally that we have potential. We do not recognize our own potential or see our own best qualities. We don’t want to help ourselves out when we are not doing so well; we don’t feel valued to tell ourselves where we need to put more energy or effort. Or ask for help!”

So – I think I am realizing something. We struggle with our feelings and thoughts – especially when they do not line up. Coherence of thought/consciousness and heart? That is belief.

We do not believe.

I can THINK I have potential. I can THINK I have these REALLY good qualities within me.  I can RECOGNIZE these qualities. But I don’t feel it. I don’t truly accept it. I don’t BELIEVE it. I don’t BELIEVE internally I have potential at times. Because feelings come and go like the waves of a storm – my belief in myself wavers with these feelings.   My feelings argue with my thoughts about reality – “oh, you THINK you are trustworthy – but we don’t FEEL trustworthy!”

Sometimes I FEEL potential.  I FEEL expansive. I FEEL joy and peace about myself. But I do not THINK I have these qualities, because I don’t see the IMPACT externally. My consciousness argues – and convinces me my feelings are wrong.  “Oh, you feel TRUSTWORTHY! But you don’t THINK you are!”

This is the struggle. Getting our thoughts and feelings on the same page. And maybe THIS is what the Torah wants us to do within. AND. With Hashem?

The crossroads we find ourselves with Jacob, Leah and Rachel may be this: Do we FEEL Hashem loves us and is tender with us? But we look and see ourselves as ugly so we don’t BELIEVE it?  Or do we look and see ourselves and think we are beautiful, but we don’t FEEL Hashem sees it the same way?

Do we BELIEVE Hashem loves us? Finds us worthy? Where our hearts and minds align? This may be the point here. One way will descend us into slavery – the other the path to spiritual liberation and freedom.

Ok let’s keep going:

16When Jacob came from the field in the evening, and Leah came forth toward him, and she said, “You shall come to me, because I have hired you with my son’s dudaim,” and he slept with her on that night.

17And God hearkened to Leah, and she conceived and bore Jacob a fifth son.

18And Leah said, “God has given [me] my reward for I have given my maidservant to my husband”; so she named him Issachar.

19And Leah conceived again, and she bore Jacob a sixth son.

20And Leah said, “God has given me a good portion. This time, my husband will live with me, for I have borne him six sons”; so she named him Zebulun.

So Leah had 6 naturally born sons. Leah had zero. Jacob’s other two wives – each has two. It would see at this time, Leah is communicating to us she is satisfied. She found her worth. As a mom. And – to put a period on it – she has a daughter.

21And afterwards, she bore a daughter, and she named her Dinah.

And – keeping in mind – the names Leah gave to her sons were all positive names. Names of gratitude. And then…

22And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and He opened her womb.

23And she conceived and bore a son, and she said, “God has taken away my reproach.”

24So she named him Joseph, saying, “May the Lord grant me yet another son!”

So Hashem remembered Rachel. And Rachel’s attitude? Give me more. That seems like a lack of gratitude to me.

Now. Joseph was a crucial son. Because his story is really what leads us to Egypt, right? Without Joseph – we don’t end up in Egypt. And if we don’t end up in Egypt, there is no Moses to leads us to freedom. So although Rachel struggled a lot, Hashem STILL blessed her.

And – for Jacob? He seems to come back into the picture satisfied:

25It came to pass when Rachel had borne Joseph, that Jacob said to Laban, “Send me away, and I will go to my place and to my land.

26Give [me] my wives and my children for whom I worked for you, and I will go, for you know my work, which I have worked for you.”

So – Jacob is ready to GO! He got a son from the woman he loved. That was where his value was. And although that son was going to lead the people into Egypt – he was also going to save the people too.

27And Laban said to him, “If only I have now found favor in your eyes! I have divined, and the Lord has blessed me for your sake.”

 We get a cliff hanger – don’t we? Laban divined (see commentary from two years ago on this verse) – and Laban acknowledged Jacob’s worth.

What is the takeaway for us?

 For me it seems to come back to worth and value.  Independent of anyone else – where is my value coming from? What metrics do I use to determine my own value? How do others and their perceptions of these metrics impact how I see my own value?

So if you want homework, it would be – write out; “My value and worth comes from…” and just bullet point whatever comes to mind. Be curious. Don’t over think it. Don’t over feel it. Just let it unfold and flow. There is no right or wrong answer – only the answer that we truly BELIEVE about ourselves. Where our consciousness and feelings align.  This is where we have to start.

Those are my thoughts – what are yours?

Here is my commentary from two years ago:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 6 Kislev, 5783

Wow. There is so much here from over a year ago.

One of the first takeaways from me was this thought:

“It seems to me they are placing values on what matters; and they are placing MORE value on things that they do not have instead of placing the value on what they do.”

I have recently been wrestling through this. I had my attention on something external that brought me comfort; but realized that it distracted me from what I had within. This battle to discover our value and worth; and the source of our worth is big.

I’ve learned over the past year how my worth is inside me. No one else can determine my worth or value beyond the worth or value I place on myself.

This translates to this idea:

“What we really want is a real relationship. We get stuck in the trial (worthy vs unworthy). We get obsessed with the external validation. What we REALLY want is someone else to know our potential, to recognize it, and to see our best qualities. We also want others to help us out when We are not doing so well. To point out where We need to put more energy or put in more effort or ask for help.

The reason for this is because we do NOT believe internally that we have potential. We do not recognize our own potential or see our own best qualities. We don’t want to help ourselves out when we are not doing so well; we don’t feel valued to tell ourselves where we need to put more energy or effort. Or ask for help!”

The trial here isn’t an external trial. It’s internal. What do we judge within ourselves about our own worthiness and value?

My shift over the past year is seeking out friendships and relationships with people who RECOGNIZE the worth I have – that I ALREADY recognize for myself. If someone doesn’t recognize my worth and value? My guard stays up. I also learn a lot of these people who don’t recognize my worth and value are people who don’t recognize their OWN worth and value. It’s a vicious cycle!

Finally, the piece about food being something validating for me; wow. This was about five weeks before discovering just how much this was true. That I felt so badly about my own worth that I was using food to eat myself to death subconsciously.

My journey to live, and to recognize my worth, and to see food as fuel and not a way to control or feed my lack of worth, has been incredible. It’s been difficult at times (hello that four month period it took to lose 10 pounds). But through it all I had to keep coming back to. My internal battle over my worth.

The Torah, friends, is an amazing book. We can look at this book as a source of inspiration to discover our value and worth and free ourselves to live spiritually liberated lives….or we can see it as a bunch of rules we have to follow or be punished. I believe that perspective may be connected to our internal worth. The idea that “following Torah” somehow makes us “better” and more “worthy” is a different perspective than “following Torah” is a result of us discovering our worth and yearning for freedom and liberation instead of prison and slavery.

Thoughts?

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for Kislev 6, 5782

Ok. So yesterday we ended the portion with the birth of children to Jacob. If we are keeping score, the score is as follows;

Leah – 4 children, and 2 children with her maid Zilpah: (six total)

Rachel – 0 children, and 2 children with her maid servant Bilhah

What is fascinating here is that the Torah takes a break from the scoreboard. We just went through 8 children. And we kind of just stop. This seeming competition between Rachel and Leah just kind of pauses. And then we see this;

Reuben ( the first born to Leah ) found Jasmine plants and brought them to his mom. Rachel is there (I guess?) and asks Leah for some of Reuben’s jasmine plants.

Leah is a little bitter and responds pretty spitefully; “isn’t it enough that you’ve taken away my husband, now you want to take my son’s jasmine plants?” Whoa. Leah. Tell us how you really feel!!!

Rachel, in a sense, offers to “pay” Leah for the Jasmine plants by saying she can sleep with Jacob that evening in exchange for the plants. They agree.

Now let’s stop here. What I’m noticing is two sisters and women who don’t recognize or are satisfied with their worth. Wow do I relate!! Leah has a lot of what Rachel wants and Rachel has what Leah wants. Neither is satisfied. It seems to me they are placing values on what matters; and they are placing MORE value on things that they do not have instead of placing the value on what they do.

Why does the Torah stop the birth list here? What are we to get from this?

This morning I was meditating (with the 10% happier app which is amazing by the way! Thank you to Michael Takahara for gifting me a subscription two years in a row!) and the focus is on a work/life challenge right now. We are talking about seeking praise and fearing blame, and the OBSESSION of these two concepts. We do not recognize the worth we have. That we matter. We seek out things that we already possess.

We feel like we are always on trial – and we will be Judged worthy vs unworthy. Leah saw her worth in Jacob’s love and affection – which she didn’t have. She felt unworthy. Rachel saw her worth in children; which she didn’t have. Both felt unworthy.

What we really want is a real relationship. We get stuck in the trial (worthy vs unworthy). We get obsessed with the external validation. What we REALLY want Is someone else to know our potential, to recognize it, and to see our best qualities. We also want Others to help us out when We are not doing so well. To point out where We need to put more energy or put in more effort or ask for help.

The reason for this is because we do NOT believe internally that we have potential. We do not recognize our own potential or see our own best qualities. We don’t want to help ourselves out when we are not doing so well; we don’t feel valued to tell ourselves where we need to put more energy or effort. Or ask for help!

Whew. This is a lot. We seek out sex/love (like Leah) for validation or we want children or pretty flowers (like Rachel). What about us? What do you (and I) seek out for this validation?

I’ll share that for me food is validation. I tend to prioritize the dopamine rush of eating something sweet or savory that tells me I am in control here. When in reality I’m not.

Ok. That was vulnerable. Whew.

Moving forward, the exchange is made; and Leah goes to Jacob and tells him she “paid” for him tonight so he can come to her instead of Rachel. And he does. And. You guessed it! She gets pregnant!

She has son #5 (ninth overall) and named him Issachar (reward). She’s now 5 and 2 to Rachel’s 0 and 2.

Then; Leah gets pregnant AGAIN and has child number 6 (10th overall) and names him Zebulun (prince). Leah believed that at this point Jacob would love her and will live with her because she bore him six sons; half the tribes of Israel. Leah is 6 and 2 to Rachel’s 0 and 2.

Next up, we have a girl! A daughter is born and she is named Dinah. Dinah means vindicated. Interesting. What is even more interesting is the Talmud writes Leah prayed to have a girl here. She knew there would be 12 tribes born to Jacob. She knew if she had a seventh son, Rachel would not even have as many as the handmaids. This is why the verse says “afterwards, she gave birth to a daughter.” The afterwards refers to after Leah’s prayer. It does seem that Leah has found her worth? Maybe? We will have to see.

God then remembers Rachel. The writings indicate what He remembered is Rachel saving Leah by giving her the code for her marriage to Jacob. Rachel was afraid Jacob would divorce her because she did not bear Jacob any children. God listened to her and then opened her womb.

Rachel gave birth to a son – She said “God has concealed my disgrace” and named her son Joseph (which means “he will add”) saying “may God add another son to me.”

So let’s stop again for a minute. Rachel is STILL dealing with her worth. She still believes she is disgraced. She feels she is judged. She thinks God has concealed it; but it’s not gone. And she isn’t satisfied here; she wants another. Her worth/mattering (in her mind) is having kids and she’s not satisfied.

The score is now Leah 6 and 2 (and 1 daughter). To Rachel’s 1 and 2

After Joseph is born, Jacob is ready to take his family home. Why at this point did he feel safe? The ancient writing says it is because Jacob knew that Joseph was destined to destroy Esau; so he was ready to return.

He approaches Laban and asks to leave.

Laban’s response? Please don’t go! “I have found out by divining that God has blessed me because of you!”

Now. This last part is super interesting. And if you aren’t Jewish, you’ll want to make at particular attention here!!! Rabbi Schneerson writes about the great debate over Laban’s gifts as to whether he merited them on his own, or whether they were a part of Jacob’s blessing by writing this;

“This point is disputed by the two views of the Zohar. The first view understood that Laban was receiving his own blessing. Therefore he received a smaller amount (one hundred sheep, lambs and goats each month). And the Zohar quotes Laban’s own words as proof.”

Rabbi Schneerson continues; “but Rabbi Abba understood that Laban actually merited receiving PART of Jacob’s blessing. This the blessing was greater (one thousand sheep, lambs, and goats each month) and to stress this point, Rabbi Abba quotes a proof from Jacob’s own words.” (in verse 30 which we will talk about tomorrow).

Rabbi Schneerson concludes; “The first opinion of the Zohar perceived the non-Jew to be secondary to the Jew. Therefore, Laban received an inferior blessing to Jacob. Rabbi Abba on the other hand took a deeper approach, seeing the non-Jew not merely as an assistant but as a partner in a Jew’s observance of the Torah who shares some of the exclusive qualities of that Status. Therefore, Laban was able to share a part of Jacob’s personal blessing.”

Wow. Obviously, being a fan of “the Office” my brain goes to “gentiles aren’t Assistants TO THE Jews. They are Assistant Jews!” Congrats gentile friends! You’ve been promoted!

Ok. I apologize for that flippancy, but in all seriousness, I think this is a big struggle all of us have (Jews and Non-Jews). Where do we all fit in together? I hate the idea sometimes, that as a Jew, I am “chosen.” It sounds and feels elitist. It feels like I am putting myself on a pedestal and that grates against my soul. But the idea that we are partners together (Jew and Gentile) feels a lot more peace within me. I can’t imagine as a gentile reading my Torah thoughts how you engage with these thoughts. But I believe what I am writing is for us! There isn’t us/them. There is only us. We are all in this together!

Wow. What a portion! This is amazing stuff. Let me know what you think!