Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 6 Adar II, 5784
Parsha Pekudei: (Exodus 38:21 – 40:38)
Seventh Portion: Exodus 40:28 – 40:38

Good afternoon! Shabbat Shalom! What an amazing day! Today is an ending of sorts – we are finishing the book of Exodus today!  And it’s a beginning too, because the work of the past six days is complete, and we are resting.  Tomorrow we start anew.

Genesis seems to be all about spiritual liberation and freedom.

Exodus seems to be about moving from being stuck (slavery) into the wilderness (WILD-NESS) of freedom.

We have YET to reach the promised land. We are in the WILD-NESS of freedom.  But there IS a theme, isn’t there of these two books?

A year ago, as we were leaving Exodus, I was processing through my journey.  And I think it is important to revisit.  This is what I wrote:

I’ve been on a journey to discover the fears within:

• The fear of rejection
• The fear of abandonment
• The fear of betrayal
• The fear of regret
• The fear of guilt
• The fear of shame.
• Shame
• Guilt
• Regret
• Betrayal
• Abandonment
• Rejection

This year, I see this even deeper. Because I have journeyed into the past.

REJECTION:

As a child, we all experience this. I see as a parent, how I have acted in ways that cause my kids this. It starts here:

• I have rejected my children at various times in their developmental journey.

I have made choices. My phone. My job. My comfort. And I have REJECTED my kids in moments throughout their short life.

• At the same time? I need to recognize. OF COURSE I have rejected my children. Because as a child? I experienced this from MY parents. They experienced it from THEIR parents. ALL OF US. ALL. OF. US. Have experienced MOMENTS of rejection from our parents. Moments where we feel unwanted. Invisible. Left to our own devices.
  • Today? These devices? Are LITERAL devices.

ABANDONMENT:

As a child, we experience this. I am not sure I can see we “all” experience this; as much I believe we all experience rejection. SOME of us for sure experience being ABANDONED by our caretakers in so many ways:

• All the moments of rejection we experience building up within us – because we don’t express our hurt, and our parents don’t recognize the feelings within us
• A parent choosing time and time again their phones, their jobs, their hobbies.
• A parent neglecting a child and asking them to do their own emotional labor instead of supporting them in their emotional journey.

I have made choices. I have chosen my career in the past to the abandonment of my children.  I have asked them to do their own emotional labor because I could not do my own.

My son recently was in a production of “Addam’s Family: The Musical” and one of the scenes of many that struck me was the character of Mal. He BELIEVED he was choosing his career – working long hours, working to support his family as a way to LOVE the family.  Instead? His family felt ABANDONED by this choice. His constant rejection of them – AND MORE IMPORTANTLY himself? That added to the trauma.

BETRAYAL:

As a child, some of us experience this.

• A parent dying
• Adoption/Fostering
• Divorce
• Physical and Emotional trauma caused by a parent

Some may be surprised by my inclusion of a parent dying here.  But even if we believe HASHEM betrayed us by taking our parent (or parents) out of our lives, it still feels like a betrayal.

All of this? It creates within us as children certain feelings which any human being would NATURALLY develop:

• Feeling unworthy
• Feeling Invisible
• Feeling we are too much
• Feeling we are not enough

How would you deal with this as a child?

We’d act out. Let’s be honest. We’d do things to try and get our parents’ attention. Maybe we try to please them? Maybe we feel like we have to be the perfect child. Maybe we feel like we need NEGATIVE attention since no attention isn’t an option.  We may do things that we:

REGRET:

As a child, we ALL experience regret. A feeling of behaving in a way we didn’t like. We’d regret the behavior, and we wouldn’t know how to deal with that. And our parents wouldn’t know either.

GUILT:

This regret would build up.  “I’m trying to be the perfect child, but I keep failing. I have to try harder!”  Or “I don’t want to be a bad kid, but I keep doing things I can’t control! I have to try harder!”  Brene Brown talks about guilt as being positive – it’s something like a warning light – something we don’t like we need to look at and change.  But without any ideas as a kid? This warning light doesn’t get dealt with. We begin to feel powerless to navigate the warning light.

AND? Our parents have no clue how to support us on this.  Because they are dealing with their OWN Guilt over their failures as a parent.

Do you know how I know this? I feel a TON of guilt as a parent because of mistakes I’ve made. And these were a warning light to check under the hood – to navigate my guilt as a child. And instead of dealing with it? We move to….

SHAME:

The guilt continues. “I’m trying to be the perfect child, but I keep failing. I know I keep failing, so I must be broken. I am a failure.”  Or “I don’t want to be a bad kid, but I keep failing, but I keep doing things I don’t know how to control. I must be a monster. I am the villain. I am a failure.”

And. Our parents can’t help us. Because they are navigating the shame of believing they are FAILURES as a parent. So how do we deal with this as kids?

FEAR which leads to AVOIDANCE.

We become afraid.

Afraid of any possibility of arriving in a moment that could trigger rejection from another. Trigger abandonment from another. Trigger betrayal from another.

We SURVIVE.

We STRATEGIZE.

And in doing this?

We REJECT ourselves. We work so hard for someone NOT rejecting us and we do this by REJECTING ourselves.

This internal rejection? Leads to internal ABANDONMENT. And this leads to internal BETRAYAL.

Rinse and repeat.

This is the slavery we are stuck in.  It’s a vicious cycle. Not only for us as individuals, but collectively.

This is the energy in which we finish the book of Exodus:

28He placed the screen for the entrance of the Mishkan.

29The altar of the burnt offering he placed in front of the entrance of the Mishkan of the Tent of Meeting, and he offered up the burnt offering and the meal offering upon it as the Lord had commanded Moses.

30He placed the washstand between the Tent of Meeting and the altar, and there he put water for washing,

31and Moses, Aaron, and his sons would wash their hands and their feet from it.

32When they entered the Tent of Meeting and when they approached the altar they would wash as the Lord had commanded Moses.

33He set up the courtyard all around the Mishkan and the altar, and he put up the screen at the entrance to the courtyard; and Moses completed the work.

The work is done. We can count on this. And. The journey isn’t over:

34And the cloud covered the Tent of Meeting, and the glory of the Lord filled the Mishkan.

35Moses could not enter the Tent of Meeting because the cloud rested upon it and the glory of the Lord filled the Mishkan.

36When the cloud rose up from over the Mishkan, the children of Israel set out in all their journeys.

37But if the cloud did not rise up, they did not set out until the day that it rose.

38For the cloud of the Lord was upon the Mishkan by day, and there was fire within it at night, before the eyes of the entire house of Israel in all their journeys.

Once we exit the cycle of slavery. The cycle of rejection. The cycle of abandonment. The cycle of betrayal. The cycle of regret. The cycle of guilt. The cycle of shame.  Once we exit these cycles? We are free.

And. We are not in the promised land. We are in the wilderness.  The Wild-Ness. The untamed space. The chaos.

AND.

We are safe.  Hashem is with us. The Universe is with us. Not just next to us. Not just above us. Not just around us.

WITHIN US.

Hazakh. Hazakh, V’Nitchazeck!

Be STRONG! Be STRONG! And may we be STREGNTHENED!

Here are my thoughts from the past two years:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 25 Adar, 5783

Wow. Today is super special as a Shabbat! It’s the last Shabbat of the Hebrew Calendar year as the Rosh Chodesh is this week for Nisan. Nisan is the “first month.” It can get confusing because Judaism has multiple new years. But this is the calendar year.

It’s a special Shabbat for sure. And. Today we finish up a double Parsha, and the book of Exodus.

Let’s dig in!

I’ve been reflecting on how we are In process of discovering the “tabernacle within.” How do we anoint ourselves? How do we set up special places within us; with partition to protect ourselves?

I’ve been on a journey to discover the fears within:

• The fear of rejection
• The fear of abandonment
• The fear of betrayal
• The fear of regret
• The fear of guilt
• The fear of shame.
• Shame.
• Guilt.
• Regret.
• Betrayal.
• Abandonment.
• Rejection.

This seems to be a process within. Dealing with these fears – from external sources. Then moving within to see how we have experienced this to ourselves.

• We’ve rejected ourselves
• We’ve abandoned ourselves
• We’ve betrayed ourselves
• We’ve regretted who we are and what we’ve done
• We feel guilt
• We feel shame.

What’s interesting to me is the shift with regret.

Then I think about how this internal stuff has caused us to:

• Reject others
• Abandon others
• Betray others
• Try to Cause others to regret
• Try to Cause others to feel guilt
• Try to Cause others to feel shame.

This seems like a vicious cycle. And as we finish the exodus, it isn’t lost on me that the Exodus was a journey out of slavery; but not into the promised land. How are we leaving the slavery and bondage of our internal selves? And how do we need to go back within in order to truly be free?

That’s what I’m chewing on.

Thoughts?

I’m still processing this. But more to come I’m sure in the future.

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 2 Adar II, 5782

Shabbat Shalom! I hope this post finds you enjoying rest and peace!

Today is a super blessing as we complete the book of Exodus!!! This will be now the second book we have engaged in since Simchah Torah! Thank you for joining me on this Torah study journey!!!!

Parsha Pekudei ends with the finishing touches on the tent of meeting:

1. Moses put up the curtain for the tent of meeting
2. He placed the sacrificial altar in front of the entrance.
3. He offered up burnt offerings each day and the meal offerings on this altar as God commanded him to.
4. He placed the urn between the tent of meeting and the altar and put water there for washing.
5. Moses, Aaron and his sons washed their hands and feet from the urn, whenever they entered the tent and whenever they approached the altar.
6. Moses set up the courtyard surrounding the tabernacle and the altar, and put up the entrance to the courtyard.

Then Moses was done. I do find todays portion interesting that Moses basically did six things and then rested; just like Hashem created the world in six days and rested. Just like we do our work for six days and then rest.

The final part of Exodus speaks of the cloud covering the tent of Meeting and the glory of God filling the tabernacle. When this happened, Moses could not enter the Tent of Meeting.

When the cloud rose up from the Tabernacle, the children of Israel would set out on all their journeys. But If the cloud did not rise up, they did not set out until the day it rose. There was a cloud during the day and a fire at night.

And that completes our study of Exodus!!!

What do you think???

As is traditional when we finish a book, it is customary to say “Be Strong! Be Strong! And may we be strengthened!”

As always – thoughts on today’s Haftorah will be  below!