Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 4 Nisan, 5785

Good morning! It is a Wednesday!  Today’s portion in Leviticus deepens our learning for navigating conflicts with others. There is a lot of chaotic energy around us right now – really designed to focus on control.

We WANT to believe our safety comes from a sense of control and predictability. Conflicts mess with this.

We’ve learned that engaging conflicts from a place of peace is crucial. If we are bringing the fire BEFORE the peace? The opportunity for growth and resolution is lessened.

Peace allows us the space to consider the other persons’ perspective in the conflict. We can see the “smoke” – the particulates of matter that were burning up from the other person that may have contributed to the conflict.  Which can soften us to a place of peace.

We get to decide – what is more important to me? What fire is stronger? My own personal fire? Or the fire I have for the relationship?

If my fire is more important than the fire of the relationship? That is when we need to focus on our own fire – bringing it to a place of peace. Once we are there? Then we can bring the fire for the connection to the table. Because we aren’t entering the conflict with trying to control the fire within – but instead stoking the flames of the relationship.  Do we want to expand the fire of the connection and attachment? Or do we want to contract it? That is the fundamental question.

What are your thoughts?

Here are my thoughts from last year:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 10 Adar II, 5784
Parsha Va-Yikra’ – “And He affectionately called”: (Leviticus 1:1 – 5:26)
Fourth Portion: Leviticus 3:1 – 3:17

Good morning!  We continue in our first Parsha of Leviticus – which seems to be all about the sacrifices we make in our relationships, and starting with a focus on what we sacrifice FOR ourselves instead of OF ourselves. What are we sacrificing for OTHERS vs what we sacrifice to LOVE OURSELVES.  Here’s what we learned in the first two chapters of Leviticus:

• Are we bringing ourselves unblemished sacrifices?
• Are we giving to ourselves?
• Are we making sure we are mindful and aware of the sacrifices we are making for ourselves?
• Are we giving to ourselves of the resources we have?
• Are we releasing our sacrifices for ourselves after we give them?
• Are we giving to ourselves what we need, or are we distracting ourselves from what we need by giving ourselves what we desire?
• Are we giving ourselves from our whole hearts?
• Are we giving ourselves from this present moment, or are we relying on past sacrifices?

Now, we transition. Let’s dig in:

1If his sacrifice is a peace offering, if he brings it from cattle, whether male or female, unblemished he shall bring it before the Lord.

We move from “meal” offerings – which would be times we connect with others, to “peace” offerings – which to me sounds like conflicts.  In order to “keep the peace” in a relationship; with Hashem, with ourselves, with our kids, with our lovers, with our friends? Maybe these are guidelines for us to consider.

The first recommendation in sacrificing to keep the peace? We are BACK to bringing an unblemished sacrifice.

I want to go back to what I wrote about the unblemished sacrifice previously:

Why unblemished?  Why is this important?

Imagine your new lover gave you their guidebook to their heart.

You read – “If you want to speak to my heart, talk about Batman with me.”

You also read at some other point in the book “If you want to speak to my heart? Make me pickle pizza.”

And you literally know NOTHING about Batman. You know EVERYTHING about Spiderman though.

You are ALSO an expert chef. You know how to perfect pickle pizza!

What do you do?

You have a few options:

• • Over the next year, you engage in multiple conversations about Spiderman over pickle pizza – close enough, right? You don’t mention Batman other than to ask about Batman and immediately turn the conversation back to Spiderman. All over pickle pizza.
  • You avoid the topic – you don’t want to navigate your lack of knowledge. You focus on making pickle pizza and never talk about superheroes
  • You research Batman. Maybe you watch an episode or two and discuss it with your new lover over take out. You listen to WHY they like Batman. You seek to UNDERSTAND them.

Which of those options is LOVING? Which are you MOTIVATED to do? Why?

Does researching Batman feel like an obligation?

This is a simple story -but it illustrates a point. Hashem has given us the guide to his heart. We may not like it. He may desire things we don’t desire. And we are FREE not to do those things.

And maybe discussing spiderman is a good effort, but it still does not center around your new lover. It’s a good attempt, but not full in the depths of love.

Now imagine you’ve established this relationship. You’ve been researching Batman.  You’ve made some small sacrifices for the relationship.  But now? There’s conflict. You are upset. OR they are upset. OR you are both upset.

Here’s the first lesson in dealing with conflict in a relationship:

• Bring an unblemished offering from a place of peace.

A peace offering MUST be given from Shalom – the Hebrew word for peace. If we are bringing a peace offering from a place of WINNING a conflict? That is blemished. If we want to maintain peace in our relationship, we must do it from an internal place of peace.

So, this raises questions:

• Where is our internal conflict? Where do we sacrifice our own peace on a day to day basis – OUTSIDE of our relationships?
• Where are we sacrificing our peace FOR a relationship?
• Where can we return to sovereignty and be RESPONSIBLE for our own peace?

Let’s keep going.

2And he shall lean his hand [forcefully] upon the head of his sacrifice and slaughter it at the entrance of the Tent of Meeting. And Aaron’s descendants, the kohanim, shall dash the blood upon the altar, around.

3And from the peace offering, he shall bring a fire offering to the Lord [comprised of]: the fat covering the innards and all the fat that is on the innards,

4and the two kidneys [along] with the fat that is upon them which is over the flanks. And he shall remove the diaphragm with the liver, along with the kidneys.

Verse 3:3 here is key. Once we understand and establish we have peace? We can bring the peace offering from a place of FIRE. FERVOR. FOR Ourselves and FOR the relationship.

So let’s add. When there is conflict, to establish peace?

• We must first find within ourselves unblemished peace.
• Then, from a place of unblemished peace? Bring the fire. For ourselves. For the relationship. For our partner.

This idea is – we start with grounded peace within. We bring fervor for our person. We bring fervor for the relationship. And. We bring fervor for the person we are in conflict with.

This is the path BACK to peace.

Let’s keep going:

5And Aaron’s descendants shall cause it to [go up in] smoke on the altar, apart from the burnt offering, which is on top of the wood that is on the fire; [it is] a fire offering [with] a pleasing fragrance to the Lord.

Interesting. We now have a new lesson. Smoke. PLEASING Smoke. What is smoke? I love this concept from sciencelearn.org.nz:

Smoke is a collection of tiny unburnt particles – very small carbon particles and tiny droplets of air. Smoke occurs when there is INCOMPLETE COMBUSTION (not enough oxygen to burn the fuel completely).

Smoke is the process of our relationships NOT being burned up completely. Most of us have negative associations with smoke. The Torah does not. The Torah seems to indicate smoke is a pleasing fragrance to the Lord.

If we bring our fire to the conflict to offer peace, we cannot fully CONSUME the person we are in conflict with. It’s not about dominance. It’s not about winning. It’s about allowing the relationship to smoke. To combine particles of the relationship.  This isn’t “bad” – it’s pleasing. It’s a way for the relationship to grow. To alchemize. So let’s add to our lesson:

When in a conflict, if we desire PEACE in the relationship we have learned:

• We must first find within ourselves unblemished peace.
• Then, from a place of unblemished peace? Bring the fire. For ourselves. For the relationship. For our partner.

The next takeaway?

Allow our partner to bring THEIR fire. And work together to make smoke. What needs to be let go of on our parts? How can we burn pieces of ourselves for the purposes of peace in the relationship? How can we see our partners doing the same? How can we put our cards on the table with fire from a place of peace, and re-combine them into smoke to create something SWEET.  Because I don’t know about you; Smoked Brisket? YUM!

So let’s add:

• Receive fire from your partner in the conflict
• Bring your fires together and allow and embrace the smoke to come to a place of peace.

So fascinating what we are discovering in Leviticus, right?  Let’s keep going.

6And if his sacrifice for a peace offering to the Lord is from the flock, whether male or female, unblemished he shall bring it.

7If he brings a sheep as his sacrifice, then he shall bring it before the Lord.

8And he shall lean his hand [forcefully] upon the head of his sacrifice, and slaughter it before the Tent of Meeting. And Aaron’s descendants shall dash its blood upon the altar, around.

9And from the peace offering, he shall bring a fire offering to the Lord [comprised of] its choicest part the complete tail, which he shall remove opposite the kidneys, and the fat covering the innards and all the fat which is on the innards,

10and the two kidneys [along] with the fat that is upon them, which is over the flanks. And he shall remove the diaphragm with the liver, along with the kidneys.

Next, as we are creating smoke in the relationship? Are we willing to allow our fat (our excess) to go?  What are we willing to give up for the sake of peace?

Let’s go back to Batman. Actually, let’s switch it up. Let’s talk K-Pop. Let’s say our partner likes K-Pop. And we’ve TRIED to like K-Pop. And it’s JUST tough to listen to. We can handle a song or two, but a two hour car ride with all the songs being K-Pop? Um. No.

I am willing to give up 15-30 minutes to listen to K-Pop, but 2 hours may be too much for me. The fat may be somewhere in the middle. Maybe I tell my partner – “look, every minute I am listening to K-Pop with you – it’s beautiful on one level because I love and care about you, but after 30 minutes, it is incredibly challenging. For the sake of peace between us, would you be ok if I sacrificed an additional 15 minutes? I think I can give that you.  So we have a boundary of 45 minutes.  Then, I love country music, could we listen to 45 minutes of country right after? That would ground me. And maybe it isn’t 45 minutes. Maybe I just need a song or two.  Can we be curious and explore it?

THIS is fat. This is learning to “trim the fat” and being willing to discover where the fat is for us.

When in conflict?

• We must first find within ourselves unblemished peace.
• Then, from a place of unblemished peace? Bring the fire. For ourselves. For the relationship. For our partner.
• Receive fire from your partner in the conflict
• Bring your fires together and allow and embrace the smoke to come to a place of peace.

Discover and be curious where the fat is – to sacrifice the fat and not the muscle.

Let’s keep going:

11And the kohen shall cause it to [go up in] smoke on the altar, as food for the fire, to the Lord.

It’s interesting, now we have a third party. The Kohen (Priest) takes the offering and offers it up.

When in conflict?

• We must first find within ourselves unblemished peace.
• Then, from a place of unblemished peace? Bring the fire. For ourselves. For the relationship. For our partner.
• Receive fire from your partner in the conflict
• Bring your fires together and allow and embrace the smoke to come to a place of peace
• Allow your fat to be trimmed and sacrificed – don’t sacrifice the muscle

If all of this fails, offer the conflict and sacrifices to a third party.

Ok – let’s keep going:

12And if his sacrifice is a goat, he shall bring it before the Lord,

13and he shall lean his hand [forcefully] upon its head and slaughter it before the Tent of Meeting, and Aaron’s descendants shall dash its blood upon the altar, around.

14And from it, he shall bring his offering a fire offering to the Lord [comprised of] the fat covering the innards, and all the fat which is on the innards,

15and the two kidneys with the fat that is upon them, which is over the flanks. And he shall remove the diaphragm with the liver; along with the kidneys he shall remove it.

16And the kohen shall cause it to [go up in] smoke on the altar, consumed as a fire offering, [with] a pleasing fragrance. All [sacrificial] fat belongs to the Lord.

So it is interesting. We get repetition. We were discussing a sheep. Now we are discussing a goat.

This causes me to be curious. What is the difference?

From “treehugger.com” (ok ok. I know. But still)

• Personality: Goats tend to be curious and independent. They tend to get in more trouble than sheep. Sheep are sheepish. They become agitated when separated from the posse.
• Tail: Goat’s tail generally points up. Sheep’s hangs down.
• Coats: Sheep produce woolly coats. Goats are hairy and don’t require haircuts.
• Beards: Sheep never have beards. Some goats do. Sheep sometimes have manes
• Lips: Sheep have an upper lip divided by philtrum. Goats do not.
• Horns: Most goats have horns. Many sheep – not all – are naturally without horns. Goat hrns are narrower and straighter, sheep horns are thicker and curved – like a cinnamon roll.

Whether we are a sheep or goat? The process for conflict and peace seems to be the same.

17[This is] an eternal statute for all your generations, in all your dwelling places: You shall not eat any fat or any blood.

And here we have the most important lesson (in my opinion).

When In conflict?

• We must first find within ourselves unblemished peace.
• Then, from a place of unblemished peace? Bring the fire. For ourselves. For the relationship. For our partner.
• Receive fire from your partner in the conflict
• Bring your fires together and allow and embrace the smoke to come to a place of peace
• Allow your fat to be trimmed and sacrificed – don’t sacrifice the muscle
• Bring in a third party when needed

Final takeaway: we should never ask our partner to sacrifice their lifeblood. The places within that bring them peace. We should not consume the fat either. If my partner gives up their fat? In order to maintain peace? I should not be taking that within me.  I need to allow that to go “up in smoke” for the sake of peace.

As we do this in our relationships? We will be connecting in deep and beautiful ways.

What are your thoughts?