Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 21 Iyar, 5785
36th Day of the Omer

Good morning! This morning we start a new theme of the Omer – Bonding. We are on the second to last theme before Shavuot. This is a beautiful theme – especially after coming home from my 35th High School Reunion.

People are curious why I would drive to Philly for a reunion.  Most don’t have a very good high school experience. And truth be told? I didn’t really have a great high school experience. Even though I did. At the time? I was miserable, full of shame, guilt, and lack of direction. My dad passed away when I was 15, and my mom and I did not get along – so my Junior and Senior year? I switch schools and went to a boarding school.

What is INTERESTING is the reality of who I was at the time and the way others perceived me at the time.

Someone I had I not seen in 35 years came up to me, and the first words out of his mouth were “you really helped me get through Chemistry in High School.” I remember the first time this happened three years ago (when I went home for the first time).

My reality – of being this miserable kid – who hated himself – was VASTLY different than the reality of those around me.  And as I say around a table and we shared stories and I shared my perception of who I was? I think it surprised people. I hid it very well.

And as I was leaving – I got a text from the guy I helped with chemistry. He shared how he also struggled – and didn’t realize others were too.

In that moment? A bond formed. That wasn’t there before.  How far will it go? Time will tell.

Today’s specific theme is the love of bonding. There was someone else who was at the weekend who I will always be bonded to.  Two years ago, my oldest daughter and I were scheduled to go to “Friendsgiving” – although many understand Friendsgiving and the concept – it has deeper meaning for us as a class – because we all went to a Quaker school. So the friends part is significant.

Anyway, one of my friends we were scheduled to stay with last minute had to cancel – so we were left without a place to stay – and I could not afford a hotel.  I had shared with our group that I would not be able to attend – and this classmate reached out and put my daughter and I up in a hotel for the weekend.  This act of love by someone in my class spoke volumes. And I will forever be attached to him for his generosity.

This is bonding. This is the love of bonding. It’s choosing and fighting to see the best in others.

What are the ways you are bonded and attached to others?

What are your thoughts?

Here are my thoughts from last year:

Good morning! Today is the 36^th Day of the Omer. We start a new theme this week: Bonding.

From Chabad:

Bonding is the ultimate emotional connection. While the first five qualities (love, discipline, compassion, endurance and humility) are interactive, they manifest duality: the lover and the beloved. The emphasis is on an individual’s feelings, not necessarily on mutuality.

Bonding, on the other hand, is a complete fusion of the two. Without bonding no feeling can be truly realized. Bonding means connecting; not only feeling for another, but being attached to him. Not just a token commitment, but total devotion. It creates a channel between giver and receiver. Bonding is eternal. It develops an everlasting union that lives on forever through the perpetual fruit it bears. Bonding is the foundation of life. The emotional spine of the human psyche. Every person needs bonding to flourish and grow. The bonding between mother and child; between husband and wife; between brothers and sisters; between close friends. Bonding is affirmation; it gives one the sense of belonging; that “I matter”, “I am significant and important”. It establishes trust – trust in yourself and trust in others. It instills confidence. Without bonding and nurturing we cannot realize and be ourselves.

Bonding channels all five previous qualities into a constructive bond, giving it the meaning “foundation”. Whereas all other human feelings are individual emotions, separate stories of a building, each a necessary component of human experience, bonding channels and integrates them all into one bond which creates a foundation upon which the structure of human emotions firmly stands. Bonding is giving all of yourself not just part; it is not one emotion but all of them. So Yesod completes the spectrum of the first six emotions.

The foundation of Yesod is different from an ordinary foundation. It does not just rest beneath the higher levels of the structure, but encompasses them all. An effective bedrock of the emotional psyche cannot remain separate but must include and permeate all the emotions. Only then can bonding be constructive and everlasting.

This is critical. How much do we focus on our bonds? How what we say will either draw us in or push someone away? And? How much do we decide consciously who to bring in and who to push away?  These are the things I am reflecting on.

Today we focus on the “Love of Bonding”

From Chabad:

Love is the heart of bonding. You cannot bond without love. Love establishes a reliable base which allows bonding to build on. If you have a problem bonding, examine how much you love the one (or the object) you wish to bond with. Do I try to bond without first fostering a loving attitude? Is my bonding expressed in a loving manner?

Exercise for the day: Demonstrate the bond you have with your child or friend through an act of love.

For me? The concept is love and bonding – which comes first? Do we try to bond without fostering a loving attitude? Or do we foster love – and that is what drives us bond? How do we connect with others? Do we connect out of obligation or out of love?

And, how connected and bonded are we to OURSELVES? Do we love ourselves enough to connect with ourselves? Or are we struggling to connect because we feel obligated to?