Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 22 Iyar, 5785
Day 37 of the Omer

Good morning! Today’s theme is the “Discipline of Bonding.”  The idea here is that we are focused on how we bond and attach to others.  There needs to be a healthy balance of attachment between two people.

I mentioned it a year ago – but the book “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find–and Keep–Love” written by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is one of the more formative books on this subject of attachment in adults.

There are three main styles of attachment, and I believe they highlight the “discipline of bonding.”

• Anxious Attachment
• Avoidant Attachment
• Secure Attachment

There are hybrids (like Anxious-Avoidant) and more research has been done to expand these styles, but the basic concept is the critical piece.

Keep in mind there is NO judgement here because we are all in process.

The discipline of bonding means we look at HOW we attach and bond. Do we “overbond?” (Anxious) do we avoid bonding (Avoidant) or are we bonding in a manner that is grounded, focused, and disciplined (secure).

From Chabad:

Examine the discipline of your bonding. Bonding must be done with discretion and careful consideration with whom and with what you bond. Even the healthiest and closest bonding needs “time out”, a respect for each individual’s space.

Do I overbond? Am I too dependent on the one I bond with? Is he too dependent on me? Do I bond out of desperation? Do I bond with healthy, wholesome people?

These are crucial questions as we navigate the discipline of bonding.

What are your thoughts?

Here are my thoughts from last year:

Today’s Omer theme is the Discipline of Bonding

From Chabad:

Examine the discipline of your bonding. Bonding must be done with discretion and careful consideration with whom and with what you bond. Even the healthiest and closest bonding needs “time out”, a respect for each individual’s space.

Do I overbond? Am I too dependent on the one I bond with? Is he too dependent on me? Do I bond out of desperation? Do I bond with healthy, wholesome people?

Exercise for the day: Review the discipline in your bonding experiences to see if it needs adjustment.

This is an interesting concept. Bonding is amazing. And – sometimes? We need space. One of my favorite books is called “Attached” written by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.  You can find it on amazon here:

It is an amazing book – basically about the science of bonding.  There are three main attachment styles – anxious, avoidant, secure (there is also anxious/avoidant).  Today’s Omer theme is addressing the anxious attachment style it would seem.

Who we choose to attach to (and it is a choice) is critical. We often times automatically attach with those we connect – because one act of bonding means we want to commit to others.  Today’s theme is about the discipline of bonding – choosing to create space, and intentionally attach to those who are healthy.

If someone tells you “I need space” – does that trigger anxiety? That is something to look at! This is the discipline of bonding. Being intentional of who we attach to.