Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 23 Iyar, 5785
38th Day of the Omer

As we continue our journey this week exploring attachment and bonding – the foundation of who we are (and in my opinion, who we are designed to be) – we look at the compassion of bonding.

I wrote this last year, and I think it is a great jumping off point:

It is easy to connect and bond with someone where they are in a good space – emotionally, physically, spiritually.  To deeply understand love? We must be connected even when someone is going through pain – through anger – through suffering. This often triggers feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, discomfort within us, and we tend to pull away.  True love and connection requires us to feel these feelings, own these feelings, and then navigate them skillfully so that we can show up and be present for our friends – to connect with them when they are struggling most. This is the true nature of connection AND attachment.

And? Within us? When WE are feeling powerless, helpless, uncomfortable in our OWN pain, suffering, sadness and anger?  We must allow ourselves to feel these feelings and push through our discomfort to allow others in. To be compassionate to ourselves to receive kindness and compassion from others.

This is the compassion of bonding.

I am especially grounding in those feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and discomfort. When someone we care about is experiencing difficult times – through pain – through hardship – how we navigate that space can increase our bonds and attachment with another, or it can put distance there.

Being able to navigate our OWN feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and discomfort is crucial for holding safe space for others.  We so often want to “fix” that pain they are going through we either overreact or pull away.  We get anxious or avoidant.

And I think back to our discussion yesterday about attachment styles. How we process the feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and discomfort? Likely connects to how we tend to attach – avoid attachment, become anxious in our attachment, or remain secure in our attachment.

If we want to grow in our capability to bond and attach? We need to practice and sit with our feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and discomfort.

Because the reaction to these feelings? Control. React.

Creating space to recognize the feelings is the move here.

What are your thoughts?

Here are my thoughts from last year:

Today is the 38^th Day of the Omer. Our theme is: the Compassion of Bonding.

From Chabad:

Bonding needs to be not only loving but also compassionate, feeling your friend’s pain and empathizing with him. Is my bonding conditional? Do I withdraw when I am uncomfortable with my friend’s troubles?

Exercise for the day: Offer help and support in dealing with an ordeal of someone you have bonded with.

It is easy to connect and bond with someone where they are in a good space – emotionally, physically, spiritually.  To deeply understand love? We must be connected even when someone is going through pain – through anger – through suffering. This often triggers feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, discomfort within us, and we tend to pull away.  True love and connection requires us to feel these feelings, own these feelings, and then navigate them skillfully so that we can show up and be present for our friends – to connect with them when they are struggling most. This is the true nature of connection AND attachment.

And? Within us? When WE are feeling powerless, helpless, uncomfortable in our OWN pain, suffering, sadness and anger?  We must allow ourselves to feel these feelings and push through our discomfort to allow others in. To be compassionate to ourselves to receive kindness and compassion from others.

This is the compassion of bonding.