Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 10 Tammuz, 5784
Parsha Balak: (Numbers 22:2 – 25:9)
Third Portion: Numbers 22:21 – 22:38

Good morning! I have a ton of things floating around my heart this morning. I am excited to dig into the portion here.  Let’s dig in:

21In the morning Balaam arose, saddled his she-donkey and went with the Moabite dignitaries.

22God’s wrath flared because he was going, and an angel of the Lord stationed himself on the road to thwart him, and he was riding on his she-donkey, and his two servants were with him.

Wait. Didn’t we just read that Hashem told him to go? Let’s go back:

20God came to Balaam at night and said to him, “If these men have come to call for you, arise and go with them, but the word I speak to you-that you shall do.”

So I am reflecting on this. And I want to go back even further. This was the original message from Hashem:

12God said to Balaam, “You shall not go with them! You shall not curse the people because they are blessed.”

SO this may be why Hashem was angry. He had given the message to Balaam.  And Balaam returned to Him, seeking a different message.  Why? Why did Balaam return to Him?

There aren’t many possibilities of why Balaam did not stand his ground.  It could be because he got scared. It could be he got greedy. Regardless, he KNEW Hashem did not want him to go and curse the people. Opening the door to the possibility? He was trying to control an outcome with Hashem.

Full stop.

Balaam’s desire is likely what did him in here. He knew the flow of the current of Hashem. “Stay put.” Instead, he fought with Hashem and wanted permission to go against Hashem.

How often do we do this? We know the answer, and we try to manipulate the outcomes to work in our favor.

This makes sense why Hashem might be angry. And might be why:

22God’s wrath flared because he was going, and an angel of the Lord stationed himself on the road to thwart him, and he was riding on his she-donkey, and his two servants were with him.

Let’s keep going:

23The she-donkey saw the angel of the Lord stationed on the road with his sword drawn in his hand; so the she-donkey turned aside from the road and went into a field. Balaam beat the she-donkey to get it back onto the road.

24The angel of the Lord stood in a path of the vineyards, with a fence on this side and a fence on that side.

25The she-donkey saw the angel of the Lord, and she was pressed against the wall. She pressed Balaam’s leg against the wall, and he beat her again.

26The angel of the Lord continued going ahead, and he stood in a narrow place, where there was no room to turn right or left.

27The she-donkey saw the angel of the Lord, and it crouched down under Balaam. Balaam’s anger flared, and he beat the she-donkey with a stick.

Ok. I’ll say it. How often do we look like an ass because we see signs of the direction things are naturally headed – but we beat it down to make it go the way we want to?

This morning I was reading Mark Nepo’s “The Book of Awakening” and he ended with this quote:

“Go beneath the many languages of desire…for our peace depends on whether we fight or ride the stream.”

I got back to my writings on peace and chaos. How much I desire peace in my heart – and at the same time get afraid that with my peace, I will get lost in the shuffle. No one will notice me. The Universe won’t provide for me.

Imagine sitting at home struggling to pay your rent. You vehicle is broken down. And someone comes to you and offers a ton of money – but they want you to curse someone. You go to Hashem and He tells you “nope!”

You feel momentary peace. But these people keep coming back and bringing you more money. Rent is due. So maybe this is Hashem telling you to go? So you go back and He says – do what you want here – but do what I say.

And you set off on your journey, and nothing works. Your car breaks down. You know you need to get to a certain city to get your rewards. Nothing supports you going there.

How do we respond? Do we beat our heads against the wall? Or do we feel the flow and decide – ok – maybe this isn’t how I am meant to go. Trust the flow and let things unfold. I will stay in my peace.

Balaam was getting angry at the Donkey.  The Donkey was trying to protect him.

This is where our desires can get the best of us.  We scheme our way to meet our surface desires – instead of trusting the deepest desires of our hearts to be met.

How long will this game go on between the Donkey and Balaam?

28The Lord opened the mouth of the she-donkey, and she said to Balaam, “What have I done to you that you have struck me these three times?”

29Balaam said to the she-donkey, “For you have humiliated me; if I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.”

So basically, Hashem opened the mouth of the Donkey.  And instead of being in awe of the Donkey talking? Balaam is still hyper focused on his desire.

How much do we miss a moment of awe because we are scheming our way to get a desire?

30The she-donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your she-donkey on which you have ridden since you first started until now? Have I been accustomed to do this to you?” He said, “No.”

Then the Donkey starts to rationalize. And Balaam sees – the Donkey has never humiliated him before. Why does he believe the donkey is trying to humiliate him now?

My takeaway here? We will sacrifice what we know to be true about someone in the midst of our selfish schemes to fill our own desires.

We will take red flags in a relationship and convince ourselves they are green to scheme our way to meeting our surface level of desire instead of supporting the deepest part of our heart’s desire.

We create an alternate reality to keep us on track for our desires. And it might just hurt us.

The Donkey in our life – the wave we’ve ridden in every moment – it has brought us to this moment. We can trust it. We may be off in a field. We may be in a barn. It may not be where we want. And? It may be exactly where we need to be – to keep us safe. Because as soon as Balaam shifts and remembers his Donkey has been reliable?

31The Lord opened Balaam’s eyes, and he saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road, with a sword drawn in his hand. He bowed and prostrated himself on his face.

32The angel of the Lord said to him, “Why have you beaten your she-donkey these three times? Behold, I have came out to thwart you, for the one embarking on the journey has hastened against me.

33When the she-donkey saw me, it turned aside these three times. Had she not turned aside before me, now also I would also have killed you and spared her [the she-donkey].”

The angel was revealed to him when he came back to his reality – instead of this fictional reality in his head that was pushing him to his desire.

34Balaam said to the angel of the Lord, “I have sinned, for I did not know that you were standing on the road before me. Now, if it displeases you, I will return.”

Balaam is basically – look – I get it. I’ll go back now.

Hashem had other plans though.

35The angel of the Lord said to Balaam, “Go with these men, but the word I will speak to you-that you shall speak.” So Balaam went with Balak’s dignitaries.

This is a smidge confusing. If this was the purpose – why did Hashem get angry with Balaam going?

Because this was first about Balaam and his heart. There was a critical piece for Balaam  (and us) in terms of our desire.

Are we riding the Donkey and letting it take us where the Donkey knows the way? Or are we trying to scheme and steer the donkey towards an outcome?

Now we shift back to Balak.

36Balak heard that Balaam was coming; so he went out toward him to the city of Moab which is on the border of Arnon-at the extreme edge of the border.

37Balak said to Balaam, “Did I not send to you to call for you? Why did you not come to me? Am I indeed incapable of honoring you?”

Balak was OFFENDED it took so long for Balam to get there.  Instead of showing gratitude that Balaam came, he was UPSET because he didn’t arrive on Balak’s timeline. Again – Balak is scheming a desire here just as much as Balaam was.

When it comes to our desires – are we Balak or are we Balaam? This is the question.

We close the portion with this:

38Balaam said to Balak, “Behold I have come to you, do I have any power to say anything? The word God puts into my mouth-that I will speak.”

Balaam says firmly – he is there to serve Hashem – not Balaam.

What about us? Are we scheming to serve our surface desires? Or are we trusting the true desires of our deepest and highest soulful heart? Can we swim in the current, or will we fight it to get the outcomes we want?

And – will we look like an ass doing it?

These are my thoughts. What are yours?

Also.

TL:DR version of this entry?

Desire – will we look like an Ass or an Angel?

Here are my thoughts from the past two years:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 10 Tamuz, 5783

Today’s double portion is fascinating.  I love it a lot because it has a lot to teach us.  The relationship dynamics between Balaam, Hashem, and his donkey are really an interesting study!

The first thing that jumps out at me this year as I read it, is this interaction from Hashem:

God came to Balaam at night; “if you feel that the offer of these men will be profitable for you, get moving and go with them. But you must only do whatever I tell you.”

I think this gets to the heart of the matter on our spiritual journeys.  “What is profitable for us?”  We don’t often sit in this question.

This morning in meditation, I sat in the question in a multidimensional way.  I thought about:

• What is profitable for my past? To heal it? To reconcile it?
• What is profitable in this moment? What am I feeling and desire right now?  What is Hashem telling me to do in the moment?
• What is profitable for my future self? What moves do I make right now that help my future self get closer to their profit?  How can I be strategic.

And what I came to the realization was the answer to these three questions were VERY different.  And. I realized. For me? Worrying about my future self?  That took up a lot of energy within me.  I was stressed about doing the “right” thing so that my future self had less worry.

I realized. I didn’t trust my future self to make the best decisions.  I had to make the best decisions NOW so that less decisions were left up to my future self.

Because in the moment? In this current moment of reality? The questions I do NOT ask myself are this: Am I  listening? Or am I too busy trying to find peace for my past? Am I caught up in worrying about my future?

But when I sit and reflect, coming to an answer of “what is profitable for me?” that lines up my past, present AND Future self all together?  THEN I know I am on the right path.

However. That HAS to start by deciding what “profit” is to us.  It may not be financial. For me? It’s purpose. It’s peace.  So I rewrite these questions:

• What will bring me the most peace in healing my past?
• What will live out my purpose in the moment, assuming I have peace in the moment.
  • If I do NOT have peace in the moment? I need to slow down and not react until I do.  This is a LOT EASIER said than done.
• What will allow my future self the most opportunities to make decisions regarding our purpose with the information they have in future moments?  How can I leave doors OPEN for my future self and not close them off?

What is my purpose? Love. Being a father. Compassion. Kindness.

That seems to be a good way to avoid becoming Balaam and acting to hastily.

What are your thoughts?

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 13 Tamuz, 5782

Good morning! As we continue our journey in the darkness of the month of Tamuz, and we are about to reach the darkest point of the month, AND AT THE SAME TIME, the moon will be the brightest and closest it will ever be this year. I’m reflecting on how we see in the darkness. The moon does not give off light itself. The moon reflects light and shines in the darkness. But the source is the sun.

How much does our moon reflect the light of Hashem, to bring light to the darkness around us?

Let’s dig into todays portion!

Yesterday, Balaam had been resisting going with Balak’s messengers. But they kept increasing their offer. It got to the point they made Balaam an offer he couldn’t refuse. Even though God told him not to go and curse Israel, he approached God and said “but come on God! This offer is too good to be true!!!”

God’s response was surprising. He didn’t get mad. He said “if you think this offer is going to be profitable for you, then go. But do what I tell you.”

So as I shared yesterday- God told him he could go. But he had to listen to God. And. The question God had Balaam reflect on is the idea of profitability. Was the offer profitable for Balaam? Let’s dig into today’s portion:

Balaam got up and saddled his donkey. He went with the messengers from Balak.

Verse 22:22 says; “God was angry that he was going, and so God’s Angel was placed on the road to obstruct him.”

Let’s stop here. Ok. God JUST gave him permission to go. Why was God angry?

My take is God was angry that Balaam didn’t heed the question of profitability, and chose poorly. AND Balaam seemed to saddle his donkey without consulting God. What are your thoughts?

The other thought I have is God’s Grace and mercy here. He didn’t strike Balaam down. He sent an Angel to obstruct him.

How often do WE feel obstructed by our goals and journey when it seems like Hashem is blocking us? We see that as cruelty. But what if it is our protection? How would we know the difference? Have we considered the profitability of what we are about to embark on? That seems like a crucial question.

If you feel stuck. If there is something you feel like you are struggling with. If you have desires that are being unmet. Is it possible that we need to reflect on whether what we want is profitable for us?

It is interesting because this is the conversation I had with my 9 year old daughter last night.

 We were talking about feelings, and she was struggling to figure out how she was feeling. She said “I think I’m Angry and Afraid, but neither of those feel right to me.” We looked at a resource a friend gave me around David Hawkins’ “map of consciousness.”

She and I looked at the map: and right in the middle of Anger and Fear was Desire. I asked her if what she was struggling with might be desire? We talked about what that was, and discovered that there were a LOT of things she was wanting – and she wasn’t getting what she wanted. Or even needed. We then closed our eyes and listened to our bodies to discover where desire manifests itself. She articulated some new sensations. And we were off and running around the idea of feeling desire. One of the things the map of consciousness can teach us is the role courage can play in changing the game. How do we take courage and apply it to desire?

That’s a crucial component. It was a great conversation and moved Natana back on track (to a degree). It didn’t fix the problem, but it allowed her to experience the feeling with curiosity and not judgment.

Back to the portion:

So Balaam was wrestling with the donkey because the Donkey could see the Angel, but Balaam could not.

Balaam kept beating the donkey every time it veered. Three times the donkey veered and Balaam beat it.

Let’s stop here. How often do we feel like the donkey; we see things our friends and loved ones can’t see. We try to help avoid obstructions. And we get yelled at or people become frustrated with us. It’s a struggle. How do we navigate that? Well let’s keep going in the portion;

Finally, after being beaten three times, God opens the donkey’s mouth.

Full stop. God opened the donkey’s mouth.

If we are struggling with seeing things our friends can’t; how often do we keep our mouth closed? We don’t want to hurt feelings. We don’t want to cause conflict in our relationships. We are afraid to put our cards on the table.

Yet we are called to speak.

Now. There are those of us who speak too much. And sometimes we need to shut the hell up (sorry for the language) because we need to listen. We are like Balaam. God is trying to tell us something, but we aren’t focused or we are distracted. Sometimes it takes an ass to open their mouth to help us hear. I deeply appreciate those asses who have spoken to me to open my mind and ears to what I need. Those donkeys are super critical because they really help us. And instead of being grateful, we end up being frustrated.

Because you see, we have moments where we are the ass, and we have moments where we are Balaam. And if you think about it? The roles feel a little reversed don’t they?

Ok. Let’s keep going.

So, ok. The donkey speaks. And how does Balaam respond? I mean I’d expect Balaam to get down and worship the donkey. Or at least stop in his tracks.

Because the Donkey said “what have I done to make you hit me?”

Balaam’s response is telling: “because you embarrassed me. If I had a sword, I’d kill you.”

Stop again. Embarrassed. Balaam was feeling embarrassed. And we asses need to hear this. Because this is why we are sometimes an ass. We may have a voice and things to say to help our friends. But if we embarrass them, it’s not going to go well. So we should do everything we can to preserve our friends dignity. That’s key for us.

And the donkey heard Balaam. Because the donkey’s response was “aren’t I your donkey that you’ve ridden since you first started? Do I normally do this to you?”

The ass is saying “ok, I hear you are embarrassed; but do I normally do that?”

Balaam said “no” and then God opened Balaam’s eyes to see the Angel. And the Angel had a sword in its hand.

Balaam got down and prostrated himself before the Angel. NOW he got it.

And even though Balaam got it, the Angel explained to him even further. If it weren’t for the ass, Balaam would be dead.

Balaam repented and said he’d turn back. But the Angel told him to go. But warned Balaam to only say the words the Angel tells him to say.

Cut scene to Balak waiting for Balaam. Balak heard Balaam was coming and went out to meet him in Moab. Balak questioned Balaam about why it took him so long to come.

Balaam simply responds – “at least I’ve come to you. Do you think I have power to say anything I want? I will only speak the words God puts in my mouth.”

And that is where today’s portion ends.

Wow. So much here. I’m curious to know what you think!