Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 14 Kislev, 5785

Good morning! We have a new week and a new parsha! The full moon is approaching tonight!  This week’s portion is “And he settled.”

What is interesting to me is the word settled. It has two different connotations doesn’t it? We associate settling with a negative association (we should not settle for less).  And a positive association (The chaos is starting to settle).  It is a word that means both “lowered expectations” and “stability.”

In this Torah portion, we see it connected to stability. And? Lowering expectations may be connected.

Today’s portion connects with a conversation I had with my 9 year old last night.  She was talking about a “friend” who isn’t really a good friend. This friend is a roller coaster. They are best friends one minute, mortal enemies the next (hyperbole – but still).

I know this other kid. She is 10 and has had it ROUGH.   Super ROUGH. Family situation.  Adopted from a foreign country. The siblings know this other kid.

Does my 9 year old deserve to be treated poorly? No.

And? I tried to bring up in compassion, kindness, and empathy – the humanity of this 10 year old.

The immediate response I got? “Why are you EXCUSING her bad behavior, dad?”

I asked the question – “how can I communicate to you that her behavior is wrong while at the same time showing kindness, empathy, and compassion for her as a person?”  My 9 year old was not having it.

Fortunately the older siblings got it.

It feels a lot like having empathy, compassion, and kindness for others is received as “excusing” poor behavior.

This is the binary way of thinking.

And it’s limiting. Jacob ran into this with Joseph and his brothers.

How do we show compassion for others while not excusing their behaviors?

And? More importantly?

How do we should compassion, empathy, and kindness to OURSELVES when we act in a manner that triggers guilt and shame within?

Sit with that.

Just sit.

As we come to the light of the full moon? May we discover ways to love ourselves while NOT excusing the behavior we are wanting to work on.

I hope you have an amazing week!

Here are my thoughts from last year:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 20 Kislev, 5784
Parsha Va-Yeshev (Genesis 37:1 – 40:23)
First Portion: Genesis 37:1 – 37:11

Good morning! It is a new week with a new Parsha.  I am really reflecting on the journey.

We read the Parsha “Toledot” a few weeks ago – meaning “Descendants.”  This was the transition from Isaac (the miracle child) to Jacob and Esau.

Next we read “Va-Yetze” – “and he departed” that focused on Jacob’s journey and dreams

Last week we read “Va-Yishlah” – “and he sent” that focused on Jacob reuniting with Esau and then ghosting him.  We ended with Esau.

This week it’s “Va-Yeshev” – “and he settled.”  The quote from the Chumash I am reading says this: “Jews have survived history only because they were dreamers.  Dreaming helps you rise above the limitations of life and fulfill your potential.”

As I reflect on this past month – from Toledot to Va-Yeshev. I am curious.  Who is “he” in the one who departed, the one who sent and the one who settled.

On a literal level, it would likely refer to Jacob. Jacob departed Laban – he sent gifts to Esau – and then settled in a new land -where our story turns to Joseph.

I ALSO see this transition – from Isaac to Jospeh as Hashem being “He” in these parshas – in a sense – He allowed and encouraged Jacob to depart from Laban despite hyperfocusing on Rachel. Jacob was afraid and left out of fear

Hashem sent Jacob to reconcile with Esau but fear still kept Jacob from reconciling.  We ended with Esau seemingly healed and recovered for a moment – but the cycle will always continue.

Hashem seems to be settling down here with Jacob.  In a sense we are destined to become slaves in Egypt at this point.  From Isaac to Jacob; one generation – we see how there was freedom and liberation and we “descended” into slavery.

Before we judge this as a “bad” thing – it happens for our good!  Hashem allows us to ALWAYS make choices – and even if we end up in slavery – Hashem will always be there to free us. 

A friend who I study the Torah with weekly shared the story of the check. Think about it – a check mark starts in one place – descends downward – hits bottom and then rises higher than the starting point.  Compare that to an X.  Where we start one low, one high, and end up in the same place – stuck.  We are all checks. We will go “down” to go up. This is seemingly the path of spiritual liberation and freedom!  We should not judge the path.  Just trust it.

Ok – with this context – let’s dig in (Genesis 37:1) :

1Jacob dwelt in the land of his father’s sojournings, in the land of Canaan.

2These are the generations of Jacob: when Joseph was seventeen years old, being a shepherd, he was with his brothers with the flocks, and he was a lad, [and was] with the sons of Bilhah and with the sons of Zilpah, his father’s wives; and Joseph brought evil tales about them to their father.

3And Israel loved Joseph more than all his sons, because he was a son of his old age; and he made him a fine woolen coat.

So my first observation here is that we transition BACK from Jacob to Israel.  I am curious.  Why does the Torah switch here from Jacob back to Israel?

Second observation; It is NOT clear that the sons of Bilhah, the sons of Zilpah, and his brothers actually DID evil when they were with Joseph.  We can assume they did – because otherwise, Joseph would have been a liar, right?  Like did Joseph lie about his brothers to his father? For those of us with teenagers, that is NOT so far fetched; is it?

So – we don’t REALLY know – Joseph lied to his dad Israel about the brothers; or the brothers did evil and Joseph was a snitch. 

However – Israel is the name who responded to Joseph. Out of love – he made Joseph a coat. Regardless of what was happening with Joseph – I think about Israel.

If one of my children came to me with an evil report about their siblings? How would I respond?

The story is either true and I’d be angry about the other kids behavior.  I might be a little concerned my kid is becoming a snitch.

Or

The story ISN’T true – and Joseph is lying for some reason. 

I am not sure there is a third option here. 

Now. Let’s consider ourselves as Joseph.  We’ve either lied or snitched. Maybe we’ve done something worse? How would we expect a response from Hashem?  In our shame? In our guilt? What response would we WANT from a loving parent vs what response would we EXPECT from a loving parent?

Israel gives Joseph a gift. He communicates love, kindness, and empathy for Joseph. 

Now. Imagine you are Joseph’s brothers.  Either Joseph lied about you or he snitched on you.  And then? You see your dad give him a gift?

How did the brothers’ respond?

So. If I put myself in the brothers’ shoes – and I did nothing wrong, and watched my brother snitch on me – and be given a gift? I would likely go to my dad and say “hey. Um. I just saw you give Joseph a gift. We didn’t do anything wrong.  Why are you giving him a gift? Doesn’t that reinforce his behavior?”

I could imagine Israel saying “look. You are right. You did nothing wrong. I’m curious – what do you believe Joseph’s motive was for lying about your behavior to me?  For me, it would seem Joseph does not feel loved. He does not feel seen. He feels neglected. And wants to boost himself up. He’s 17 – just a teenager. I responded to him in love.  I gave him a gift to reassure him he is loved.  I can definitely see from YOUR perspective how that looks.  It looks unjust to you. I wasn’t focused on Justice with Joseph. I was focused on empathy, kindness, and compassion.  Can you see that?”

Wow. That’s something.  And. Let’s ask ourselves; would I even go to my father and ask what is going on? Or would I just make assumptions in my head – “my dad loves Joseph more than us” – he doesn’t care about injustice – he rewards injustice. No conversation.  Just assumptions. Miscommunication.

The OTHER option is the brothers DID evil, and saw Joseph as a snitch.  In that situation, they aren’t going to their dad.

The truth is – the Torah is NOT clear here as we might think as to what ACTUALLY happened.  And that miscommunication?  It’s not going to get better; is it?  Let’s keep going:

4And his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, so they hated him, and they could not speak with him peacefully.

So – again – either they hated Joseph because he snitched on their evil – or they were so overcome with jealousy they hated him for that. We don’t REALLY know why. How we approach this story will determine what we get out of it – won’t it?

If we had more data – more communication from Hashem? We might be able to make a better assessment or judgement about the situation, right?  So why? Why would the Torah not be as clear here? Maybe because of a check on our hearts. To allow US to fill in the gaps of the story according to where our heart is. Because if we cannot create space within our hearts that this is a story about innocent brothers letting jealousy overtake them to hate someone without communication, then our hearts are closed and solely focused on evil. Which isn’t bad – it’s just where we are on our current spiritual journey. And this is EXACTLY what I love about the Torah!

Let’s finish the portion out:

5And Joseph dreamed a dream and told his brothers, and they continued to hate him.

6And he said to them, “Listen now to this dream, which I have dreamed:

7Behold, we were binding sheaves in the midst of the field, and behold, my sheaf arose and also stood upright, and behold, your sheaves encircled [it] and prostrated themselves to my sheaf.”

8So his brothers said to him, “Will you reign over us, or will you govern us?” And they continued further to hate him on account of his dreams and on account of his words.

9And he again dreamed another dream, and he related it to his brothers, and he said, “Behold, I have dreamed another dream, and behold, the sun, the moon, and eleven stars were prostrating themselves to me.”

10And he told [it] to his father and to his brothers, and his father rebuked him and said to him, “What is this dream that you have dreamed? Will we come I, your mother, and your brothers to prostrate ourselves to you to the ground?”

11So his brothers envied him, but his father awaited the matter.

Now – our brains add a lot to this, don’t they? 

It is possible, the coat Joseph was given changed him.  He was no longer needing the attention from his father Israel – he felt safe and secure. He wasn’t afraid of retribution.  He shared openly and honestly – because his brothers didn’t clearly communicate how they felt.

Because if Joseph was a snitch or lied? I am not sure how he feels safe telling his brothers about his dream.  We just don’t know though – we are left to fill in a lot of blanks here. If he felt reassured by his dad – he may have felt forgiven, and put the past behind him – thinking all was ok. Just my thoughts.  A guilty conscience usually manifests in fear – doesn’t it?  Joseph wasn’t afraid here.  He was bold. That tells me he felt safe and secure. Otherwise, we’d have to see Joseph as Naïve – which is ALSO a possibility. 

So many questions and curiosities about this passage.

My big takeaway? Communication.  Inference vs Intent. What do WE infer from what we read or hear vs what is clear vs what is insinuated? Clarity is the path to spiritual freedom and liberation.  If things are unclear – we have the choice to fill in the blanks, ask curious questions, or wait until clarity comes.  If we take action BEFORE?  We are taking a major risk to descend into slavery – ESPECIALLY if we act with information we created instead of information we know for sure.

Those are my thoughts. What are yours?