Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 10 Tevet, 5785

Good morning! We are heading towards the end of Genesis. Today and tomorrow we read the final two portions before turning to Exodus.

And what is the theme? Energy.

I wrote this a year ago:

When in relationship with others – do we tend to take their feelings on FOR them instead of allowing the feelings to unfold for them NATURALLY? Providing space and silence for THEM to navigate the storm of emotions?

How much do we latch onto or absorb the feelings of others without their permission to do this? I’ve written a lot about the idea of holding someone in their feelings instead of holding their feelings for them.

How adept are we at “holding space” for someone to navigate their feelings without us becoming entangled?

One of the feelings that seems REALLY tough to navigate with others is anger. I had an interesting conversation with my kids yesterday.  The older kids were struggling with something I’ve been working on with my six year old. The idea that “anger is safe.”

The older kids don’t like this. Because their experiences with anger? Has not felt safe.

And? Some of that (a lot of that) is what I have taught them as a father. My repressed anger was not safe.

I asked the older kids if we could all agree that repressed anger was not safe. They all did.

So the six year old releasing her anger? What a beautiful way of teaching her not to repress her anger.

Screaming? Yelling? Ways to release anger.

Hurting someone in that anger? Not ok.  There is a safe container. How do we learn to process our anger safely?

This. So many adults I know are struggling with a lifetime of anger repressed.

And this I wrote a year ago that feels very apropos:

Are there things we are holding onto in our lives? Things we refuse to allow ourselves to grieve over? Do we need to perform “a very great and impressive eulogy?”  Do we need people to “bear witness” to our grief and wounds in order to let it go?  Maybe bringing people together to have a eulogy is what is called for as we LEAVE 2023 and ENTER 2024?  Or as we LEAVE Tevet (chaos and repair) and ENTER Shevat ( harshness and kindness centered around a holiday for trees) we have time to eulogize the wounds of our past so we don’t bring them into our future.

What is a eulogy?

“a speech or piece of writing that praises someone or something highly, typically someone who has just died.”

Whoa.

If we are going to eulogize anger? We need to praise anger highly. Otherwise we hold onto it.

I’m sitting with that.

I also wrote this a year ago:

What wounds and trauma do we need to bury once and for all? Not in a way that represses them – but a way that honors the Trauma and the impact it has on us? 

Eulogize the trauma. Praise the trauma in order to release it.

Anger is safe. Repressed anger is not.

These are my thoughts.

What are yours?

Here are my thoughts from last year:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 17 Tevet, 5784
Parsha Va-Yehi (Genesis 47:28 – 50:26)
Sixth Portion: Genesis 49:27 – 50:20

Good morning!  Today we have TWO more portions left to finish Genesis.  The Beginning. And He Lived.

And I reflect as we leave the month of Tevet and start looking ahead to Shevat. We will see more order and less chaos. And? The order may not be what we desire – because the harshness of Shevat happens until the moon reaches fullness, and then kindness comes.

“And He Lived.”  Yesterday’s passage seems to indicate “He” may ALSO refer to Moses.  So many “He” possibilities.  We see – And “He” lived could refer to Jacob, Joseph, Benjamin, his brothers.  And? Moses?  I don’t know.  But if Moses arrives in the Torah to teach us more about these parts of our hearts – agitated active, agitated passive, peaceful passive and peaceful active? That would be amazing, wouldn’t it? 

Ok – let’s dig in. We have a longer portion today!

The context is the fullness of the blessings of Jacob – we left off with Jacob’s blessing of Joseph.  Joseph seemed to be the culmination – the blessings of the hearts. It was a double blessing, and I wrote this yesterday to provide context:

Joseph’s head is the blessing Joseph receives in the moment It was given to him.  In each moment of Joseph’s life. And. The one who was separated from his brothers? Acknowledges Joseph was separated from his family.  It’s a different blessing – it is a blessing of the past. And future?

Joseph was given a blessing of the past, future, and present.  With that – let’s dig into today:

27Benjamin is a wolf, he will prey; in the morning he will devour plunder, and in the evening he will divide the spoil.”

Um. On first read? That sounds kind of harsh, doesn’t it?

But let’s get curious.  I’ve written about wolves.  On Kislev 7, 5783

This last weekend I visited a wolf sanctuary near here. The docent told us about the idea of wolf packs. Yes; they are very loyal; but there does come power struggles. If the alpha male or female start feeling like a kid in the pack is gaining too much power – they will push that member out of the pack. One she-wolf at the sanctuary had pushed out multiple members of the pack. I thought that was interesting.

 When a wolf has left the pack, they have two options; find a new pack, or start a new pack. You can see those elements here. Laban was the alpha. Jacob’s wealth and power were growing. It was time to leave the pack. But he didn’t leave alone. He spoke with his wives. They went with him.

 Who is in your “pack?” What power dynamics exist? Are you able to be your authentic self? Or do you have to hide your success because it’s a threat to others in the pack?

Something I’m reflecting on from todays passage. What about you?

 As I reflect on this, and the idea of wolves. We may be able to dig into this passage deeper and ask some questions.

27Benjamin is a wolf, he will prey; in the morning he will devour plunder, and in the evening he will divide the spoil.”

• • Benjamin is a wolf. Is he a lone wolf? Or is he an alpha in a NEW pack?
  • He will prey; What does Benjamin prey on? WHY does Benjamin prey? Is it to care for his pack? Who is his pack?
  • In the morning he devours plunder, Is this a literal morning? Or does this refer to his early life? Does this refer to this NEW life after Jacob passes? Why does he devour? What is he feeding? WHO (or WHAT) is he plundering? 
  • In the evening he will divide the spoil. Is this a literal evening? Is this late in his life? WHO does he divide the spoil with?

 These are the curious questions I have.

 Wolves aren’t alone. The Torah could have called Benjamin a lone wolf.

Remember – for Jacob and Joseph to heal, Benjamin had to be let go of – released. He wasn’t pushed out of the pack of brothers from Jacob. He was risked for the purpose of survival of the pack.

And he isn’t a lone wolf.  And he is, right?  Because this portion separates Benjamin out from his brothers.  The Torah is almost saying – all of the other brothers? They are one pack with Joseph. Benjamin is starting a NEW pack here. It’s almost like – at the end of Genesis – Benjamin is our “begin again” isn’t he?

Benjamin will prey.  It almost feels like we are alluding to his agitated heart. Or maybe that is what Benjamin will prey on. He will actively seek out agitated hearts? In order to protect his pack? To protect the peace?  We talked about Joseph and conflict.  Joseph seems to let conflict come to him. Benjamin is going to seek out conflict. And early in his life? He devours the agitation. He absorbs it. Later on he will learn to observe it – and bring the spoils of the agitation back to his pack.

This leads to another lesson (I think).

When we deal in relationship with the souls of others.  We have a choice.

Absorb energy, emotions, conflict and feelings of others.  If they are sad, I feel sad. If they are angry, I fell their anger.  This is devouring plunder. This is taking the sovereignty of others’ energy on to ourselves.

How many of us do this? 

The move is to OBSERVE the energy. See it’s manifestations.  If someone is sad, we can hold them in their sadness – instead of holding their sadness for them.  If someone is angry, we can hold them in their anger, instead of holding their anger for them.

Because as a pack leader? It would get EXHAUSTING devouring the energy of others. Absorbing their emotions (especially those who repress and refuse to feel them) and taking them on as our own.  Devouring plunder.

The path to peace? DIVIDING spoils. Taking the energy – observing it – allowing it to pass as a storm within those we care about.  And see the SPOILS of that – being health and wholeness. 

Just my thoughts here.  So almost we could rewrite this:

27Benjamin is a wolf, he will prey; in the morning he will devour plunder, and in the evening he will divide the spoil.”

To this:

Benjamin is a leader of a pack. He will seek out energy.  Early in his life? He will absorb that energy and consume it. Benjamin will learn later in life, to observe it and let it pass – and the healing that results will be the spoils divided within the group he leads.

Benjamin is a new leader – it would seem?  This is just a hypothesis.  It will be interesting to see in Exodus how this plays out.  I could be COMPLETELY wrong.  What are YOUR thoughts?

Our takeaway though is this:

• When in relationship with others – do we tend to take their feelings on FOR them instead of allowing the feelings to unfold for them NATURALLY? Providing space and silence for THEM to navigate the storm of emotions?

I’ve had quite a few conversations with men and women recently.  Society does NOT train us to do this.  Society has trained women to absorb the emotions and feelings of men. They devour feelings.  Most men tend to be unaware of their emotions – or, have a hidden agenda. Women encounter these emotions, FEEL these emotions FOR these men -and devour these emotions.  We pray on these men to fill a void and a need within us – because we have not been validated in OUR feelings, so we need to validate and absorb the feelings of others.

For men? We are told to stuff our feelings. Deep. It is weakness to display most of our emotions.  So that when we encounter others who HAVE emotions?  We feel HELPLESS to do ANYTHING.  Our training has taught us? When we feel helpless? Try to fix. Analyze the problem. We are watching our female friends DEVOUR their own emotions (which are exponentially greater because they ALSO absorb the emotions of others). 

The goal here for us is to instead – listen. Provide space. Allow the storm of emotions to pass. And like Benjamin – see the spoils of that storm and divide the peace that COMES with it. 

This would seem like (to me) as healthy masculinity. This would be a way for us to “begin again.”

Ok.  We’ve made it through ONE LINE of today’s long portion.  Let’s keep going!

28All these are the twelve tribes of Israel, and this is what their father spoke to them and blessed them; each man, according to his blessing, he blessed them.

29And he commanded them and said to them, “I will be brought in to my people; bury me with my fathers, in the cave that is in the field of Ephron the Hittite,

30in the cave that is in the field of Machpelah, which is before Mamre in the land of Canaan, which field Abraham bought from Ephron the Hittite for burial property.

31There they buried Abraham and his wife Sarah, there they buried Isaac and his wife Rebecca, and there I buried Leah.

32The purchase of the field and the cave therein was from the sons of Heth.”

33And Jacob concluded commanding his sons, and he drew his legs [up] into the bed, and expired and was brought in to his people.

Benjamin was a way for us to “Begin again” it would seem.  A fresh start.  So much so, the Torah ends Jacob’s life here. And. Jacob is telling his sons to “bring me home.” Jacob’s body is going back to where it was. I would assume his soul was too!  Let’s keep going:

1Joseph fell on his father’s face, and he wept over him and kissed him.

2And Joseph commanded his servants, the physicians, to embalm his father, and the physicians embalmed Israel.

3And forty days were completed for him for so are the days of embalming completed and the Egyptians wept over him for seventy days.

4When the days of his weeping had passed, Joseph spoke to Pharaoh’s household, saying, “If now I have found favor in your eyes, speak now in Pharaoh’s ears, saying,

5’My father adjured me, saying, “Behold, I am going to die. In my grave, which I dug for myself in the land of Canaan, there you shall bury me.” So now, please let me go up and bury my father and return.’ “

6And Pharaoh said, “Go up and bury your father as he adjured you.”

This is fascinating to me.  Joseph mourned his father.  And instead of JUST GOING to bury his father? He trusted.  He went to Pharoah to ask for permission.  He gave Pharoah the sovereignty that Pharaoh was due. Joseph trusted Hashem this would all work out, and he did not have to manipulate the situation.

Our takeaway?  How often do we take sovereignty away from OTHERS because we are afraid to trust Hashem to work it all out for our good? How many opportunities to do we rob Hashem of blessing us?  Because in my head?  “what if Pharaoh had told Joseph NO?”  That would be scary to put this in Pharoah’s hands!!!  But that isn’t what happened. Joseph held space “what if Pharoah says YES???”

Do we assume we are going to get a negative response from others? Why?  By assuming this, do we create this reality for ourselves? These are the questions I ask. Let’s keep going!

7So Joseph went up to bury his father, and all Pharaoh’s servants, the elders of his house, and all the elders of the land of Egypt went up with him,

8and Joseph’s entire household and his brothers and his father’s household; only their young children and their flocks and cattle did they leave in the land of Goshen.

9And chariots and horsemen also went up with him, and the camp was very numerous.

10And they came to the threshing floor of the thornbushes, which is on the other side of the Jordan, and there they conducted a very great and impressive eulogy, and he made for his father a mourning of seven days.

Joseph honors his father. They bring everyone but the kids and animals. And they crossed the Jordan – and they “conducted a very great and impressive eulogy.” And mourned for seven days.

What is a takeaway here? 

Well, we’ve been talking about GRIEF being the path to freedom. The way to create space from reaction to response.

Are there things we are holding onto in our lives? Things we refuse to allow ourselves to grieve over? Do we need to perform “a very great and impressive eulogy?”  Do we need people to “bear witness” to our grief and wounds in order to let it go?  Maybe bringing people together to have a eulogy is what is called for as we LEAVE 2023 and ENTER 2024?  Or as we LEAVE Tevet (chaos and repair) and ENTER Shevat ( harshness and kindness centered around a holiday for trees) we have time to eulogize the wounds of our past so we don’t bring them into our future.

What wounds and trauma do we need to bury once and for all? Not in a way that represses them – but a way that honors the Trauma and the impact it has on us? 

Journal. Speak to a friend. Go back in time to bear witness to the wounds. Eulogize them. Give them air. They mourned Jacob for seven days. Maybe that is what WE are called to do.  To begin again. To give Benjamin a head start. To move from DEVOURING our prey to Dividing the spoils of healing?

Alright let’s keep going…

11The Canaanite[s], the inhabitant[s] of the land, saw the mourning at the threshing floor of the thornbushes, and they said, “This is an intense mourning for the Egyptians.” Therefore, they named it Abel Mizraim (Egypt mourns), which is on the other side of the Jordan.

12And his sons did to him just as he had commanded them.

13And his sons carried him to the land of Canaan, and they buried him in the cave of the field of Machpelah, which field Abraham had bought for burial property from Ephron the Hittite before Mamre.

14And Joseph returned to Egypt, he and his brothers, and all who had gone up with him to bury his father, after he had buried his father.

Interesting.  They grieved SO MUCH strangers saw it and attributed it to Egypt. This might lend to the idea that the Torah is telling us to grieve our trauma – because when we do – we step into the promised land for a time. Because – and I am not 100% sure. This is the LAST time the Israelites enter the promised land in the Torah as a group.  Only the 12 spies enter it for the entire rest of the Torah.

This would seem – grief brings us back to the promise. Freedom. Liberation.  Even when we are living in Egypt – we can go back and bury our dead. Our trauma. Not repress it. Not ignore it. But honor it. Jacob had trauma.  His decisions created trauma. And. He rested in the promise.

And what happened when they buried the trauma? They lived happily ever after, right?

Wrong.  Because the sons buried their father, they did not bury their trauma there.  And here we go:

15Now Joseph’s brothers saw that their father had died, and they said, “Perhaps Joseph will hate us and return to us all the evil that we did to him.”

16So they commanded [messengers to go] to Joseph, to say, “Your father commanded [us] before his death, saying,

17’So shall you say to Joseph, “Please, forgive now your brothers’ transgression and their sin, for they did evil to you. Now please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father.” ‘ ” Joseph wept when they spoke to him.

Although they buried Jacob? The brothers HELD ONTO their guilt and shame.

And. How much do we do this in our lives? Forgive the person AND hold onto our shame.  We always have more work to do. And. The brothers did give air to this with Joseph:

18His brothers also went and fell before him, and they said, “Behold, we are your slaves.”

19But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid, for am I instead of God?

20Indeed, you intended evil against me, [but] God designed it for good, in order to bring about what is at present to keep a great populace alive.

And here we close today’s portion with a lesson we’ve discussed in the past. Intentions aren’t relevant.  The impact in a moment is. Joseph reminds them – our intentions don’t matter; Hashem’s design is ALWAYS for good. We can release our shame and guilt.

This is just another takeaway from Genesis.

Ok. What are YOUR thoughts?  Tomorrow? We close the book on the beginning.  What a ride it has been.  I look forward to digging into Exodus – and next year when we come BACK to Genesis again!  We are never done. We always (like Benjamin) begin again!