Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 27 Tevet, 5785

Good morning! As we start a new week, the energy of last week really was turbulent.  I don’t know about you, but there was major chaos and turbulence for how last week went.  And? This turbulence builds compassion and our understanding of humanity.

I want to reshare this poem I wrote last year:

The Path to Love begins with being open to being loved.

Internally first

Without the willingness to be loved, there is only turbulence

Because we are blocking the light

The source

Because we are called to love. To be love.

And when we block love by learning to resist being loved, it creates turbulence within us

Because love is light

Love is divine

And we seek the filling of the hole in our hearts (that yearns to be loved within) in others.

Hoping their compassion can do what we are unwilling to do for ourselves in our own power, love, and sovereignty.

And it drains. It just creates more turbulence.

Because.

We are love.

We are designed to receive turbulence as a gift of our humanity.

We are to receive that gift of humanity and strive for compassion.

First within.

Someone else’s compassion for the turbulence will never fill the hole created by our own unwillingness to be compassionate towards ourselves.

This is the beginning.

This is love.

Receive turbulence.

Receive love.

Resist turbulence.

Resist love.

We are sovereign.

We are love.

A lot of the turbulence might be designed to move us into our grief. We cannot strike a bargain with grief. This was the takeaway studying Pharaoh last year:

The take away for us? We cannot bargain with grief. We must grieve in fullness. To go to the dry and painful place with the fullness of who we are. And cry. Grieve. Get angry. Sacrifice to Hashem – our hearts.

And the reason we can’t bargain with grief? We have to accept that we are WORTHY of grief. We are WORTHY of the feeling on anger. And sadness. We are worthy of support in our grief. These are really tough concepts to hold as humanity.

We believe we are worthy of the loss, so we don’t grieve.

This is where we find Pharaoh and Moses in today’s portion. They are in negotiations. We negotiate our grief. Bargain with it. Try to cut a deal

Right now, the energy we are entering into – as we head into the darkness of the new moon is around toxic relationships. Co-dependency. Relying on others to fill the hole in our own grief. This is what Pharaoh was doing with Moses.

Asking others to manage our feelings for us is not healthy. We are called to be sensitive to our own feelings, needs, desires, etc.

And? We are called to sacrifice for our own needs and desires. This is not selfishness. This is love. We are so quick to sacrifice for OTHERS. Mainly because we believe OTHERS are more worthy of our sacrifice than we are worthy ourselves.

Would we rather sacrifice our own values and beliefs so we can retain the hero status in someone else’s story? Or would we sacrifice being the villain in someone’s story who is asking us to sacrifice our values and beliefs to retain our hero status with THEM?

We are not talking the sacrifice for resources or energy or time.

We are talking about the sacrifice of inner space.

What is the difference between co-dependency and health sacrifice?

One requires the sacrifice of what is within us.

I spoke about this last week.  See the entire blog here

“Devotion is a feeling of strong love, affection, or admiration for someone or something, while codependency is a relationship dynamic where one person feels the need to “save” another person”

We are not sacrificing to save someone else. We don’t have power over them. That is arrogance and ego.

We are sacrificing because our values and beliefs within us align with the desire to devote ourselves to them.

What are your thoughts?

Here are my thoughts from last year:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 5 Shevat 5784
Parsha Bo’: (Exodus 10:1 – 13:16)
Second Portion: Exodus 10:12 – 10:23

Good morning! We are back on track. I reread my thoughts from a year ago, and feel they are incredibly salient today.  Here they are:

The biggest takeaway for me is the idea of straddling. We have one foot in each portion (physical/spiritual) when it comes to the plagues. Do we have one foot straddling the physical and the spiritual? And is Hashem telling us this is ok?

Yesterday I did Yoga for the first time (that wasn’t on Wii Fit, lol). And I realized how Yoga straddles the physical and spiritual. And I struggled to keep up. As someone who meditated daily – and focuses on the breath; to be able to focus on my breath WHILE moving my body? A new challenge.

And. I learned. I need more balance in my life.

And. I learned. One side of my body is more balanced than the other.

And. I learned. I don’t remember which side is more balanced.

This weekend, I also took myself out on a date. When I was younger, and in college I used to write a lot of poetry. On my date with myself, I wrote poetry. I am sharing it with you.

The Path to Love begins with being open to being loved.

Internally first

Without the willingness to be loved, there is only shadow

Because we are blocking the light

The source

Because we are called to love. To be love.

And when we block love by learning to resist being loved, it creates shadow and disjointedness internally

Because love is light

Love is divine

And we seek the filling of the hole in our hearts (that yearns to be loved within) in others.

Hoping their light and love can do what we are unwilling to do for ourselves in our own power, love, and sovereignty.

And it drains. It’s shadow.

We are love.

This is the energy I’ve received from this portion in the past. It is relevant during this time of harshness. Turbulence.

And someone shared yesterday how turbulence has a purpose. It provides the gift of humanity. Without turbulence, we would not be human. How we navigate turbulence is our humanity. And. The purpose of this gift? Compassion. We cannot just “be” compassionate. It is not a light switch to turn on or off.  Without turbulence, there is no compassion.

And now I am compelled to re-create the poem I wrote a year ago:

The Path to Love begins with being open to being loved.

Internally first

Without the willingness to be loved, there is only turbulence

Because we are blocking the light

The source

Because we are called to love. To be love.

And when we block love by learning to resist being loved, it creates turbulence within us

Because love is light

Love is divine

And we seek the filling of the hole in our hearts (that yearns to be loved within) in others.

Hoping their compassion can do what we are unwilling to do for ourselves in our own power, love, and sovereignty.

And it drains. It just creates more turbulence.

Because.

We are love.

We are designed to receive turbulence as a gift of our humanity.

We are to receive that gift of humanity and strive for compassion.

First within.

Someone else’s compassion for the turbulence will never fill the hole created by our own unwillingness to be compassionate towards ourself.

This is the beginning.

This is love.

Receive turbulence.

Receive love.

Resist turbulence.

Resist love.

We are sovereign.

We are love.

Whew. That felt powerful.

Ok. With this energy, let’s dig in.

Pharaoh got angry because instead of negotiating, (Bargaining) Moses wanted the fullness of freedom. He was unwilling to sacrifice a smidge of it. And Pharaoh was getting ready to answer Moses. Let’s see what he says:

11Not so; let the men go now and worship the Lord, for that is what you request.” And he chased them out from before Pharaoh.

Pharaoh says – I offered you the young children and you wanted them all. I will bargain with you and tell you the men can go instead. Which still isn’t the fullness.

The take away for us? We cannot bargain with grief. We must grieve in fullness. To go to the dry and painful place with the fullness of who we are. And cry. Grieve. Get angry. Sacrifice to Hashem – our hearts.

And this was Hashem’s response:

12The Lord said to Moses, “Stretch forth your hand over the land of Egypt for the locusts, and they will ascend over the land of Egypt, and they will eat all the vegetation of the earth, all that the hail has left over.”

13So Moses stretched forth his staff over the land of Egypt, and the Lord led an east wind in the land all that day and all the night. [By the time] it was morning, the east wind had borne the locusts.

14The locusts ascended over the entire land of Egypt, and they alighted within all the border[s] of Egypt, very severe; before them, there was never such a locust [plague], and after it, there will never be one like it.

15They obscured the view of all the earth, and the earth became darkened, and they ate all the vegetation of the earth and all the fruits of the trees, which the hail had left over, and no greenery was left in the trees or in the vegetation of the field[s] throughout the entire land of Egypt.

The message? The sign we discussed yesterday? We lose sight of our grief. We look elsewhere.

I have been talking to many about their grief. Many are struggling because they cannot understand WHY they feel unworthy to receive goodness from others. When people do kind things for them, their instinct is to reject. I have conversations and they share “I know why I reject it – I don’t feel worthy of it.”

But then when I ask “Why do you feel unworthy?”  Almost EVERYONE I know has responded with something along the lines of “I don’t know. I have never thought about it.”

We’ve lost sight. Feeling unworthy is valid. But we’ve lost the desire or ability to be CURIOUS about why we feel unworthy. 

And this is a significant part of the grief process.  Why? BECAUSE WE BELIEVE INSIDE US WE ARE DESERVING OF THE LOSS. 

Let’s see how Pharaoh reacts:

16Pharaoh hastened to summon Moses and Aaron, and he said, “I have sinned against the Lord your God and against you.

17But now, forgive now my sin only this time and entreat the Lord your God, and let Him remove from me just this death.”

It seems as if Pharaoh is moving into acceptance, doesn’t it? And yet? It isn’t.  Because Pharaoh says “the Lord YOUR God.” Pharoah has not accepted that Hashem is also Pharaoh’s God. And let’s see how Hashem and Moses react:

18So he [Moses] left Pharaoh and entreated the Lord,

19and the Lord reversed a very strong west wind, and it picked up the locusts and thrust them into the Red Sea. Not one locust remained within all the border[s] of Egypt.

20But the Lord strengthened Pharaoh’s heart, and he did not let the children of Israel go out.

Hashem is giving us signs. He had compassion for Pharaoh. He listened. He stopped the suffering. And. Pharoah wasn’t done grieving. There was more. Hashem wanted Pharaoh’s ENTIRE heart. He didn’t want to be just Moses and Aaron’s God. He wanted to be Pharaoh’s.

So what happens next:

21The Lord said to Moses, “Stretch forth your hand toward the heavens, and there will be darkness over the land of Egypt, and the darkness will become darker.”

22So Moses stretched forth his hand toward the heavens, and there was thick darkness over the entire land of Egypt for three days.

23They did not see each other, and no one rose from his place for three days, but for all the children of Israel there was light in their dwellings.

Darkness. This time supernatural. Because the loss of sight with the locusts? That was one thing.

The sign from Hashem for us.

We’ve lost sight of our grief.  We’ve distracted ourselves from it. We have convinced ourselves it’s one thing (I am unworthy) and ignored how deep our grief goes. The fullness of it.

Where are we at with our grief? Have we dug deep? Would we rather live in the slavery and prison of being unworthy? Or would we trust we ARE worthy, and thus understand fully our feelings of unworthiness are NOT the reason for our suffering? We must get to the heart of WHY we are unworthy to unlock our freedom and liberation.

Where are we today? The old tree is being uprooted and torn up as we head to the full moon. We can see each night light shining brighter. And when it shines brightest? We will plant a NEW tree. A NEW work. And we will have joy and blessing for two weeks (and longer) after.

This is our time to dig. To get dirty. To get into the soil and ask ourselves the tough questions. To spend time with ourselves. To see the turbulence around us and go inward. To see our own HUMANITY. To find the spring of our own COMPASSION.  Not so we can be MORE compassionate for others – but so we can have an unending source of compassion to GIVE to others without being greedy for their compassion in return.

Those are my thoughts.  What about you?