Tyler’s torah Thoughts for 10 Adar, 5785

Uncertainty.  This has been a theme around us lately – there seems to be a lot of uncertainty.  And this creates fear within us.  Because for those of us who have learned to survive – because of past trauma? Uncertainty is something we avoid – at all costs. Even if it means rejecting our own desires.

Because as (I think) Wayne Gretzsky said “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”  It would be better to not risk and be certain than to risk and see what unfolds.

This is really the energy around us right now.  What are you willing to risk? What do you desire?

A year ago, I wrote this from Oren Jay Sofer:

“To not know means we have to let go. We want what we want.

When we are clearer about what we need, we have more choice and more space.

See if we can let go a little bit.

Let go of the outcome. Of our expectations. About what should happen. What we want to have happen. Are we willing to not know? At least a little bit?

How does this change things? More space to listen? More space to be creative and explore in ourselves?

When we are willing to not know, it opens the whole playing field. Anything is possible. When we are attached to an outcome – there are far fewer options for how to move.

Be willing to not know.”

Are we willing to not know? Can we be comfortable in the uncertainty? Or will we block the timeline and take matters into our own hands and sabotage the outcome – so we can be certain of failure?

Leo Buscaglia wrote this beautiful poem that has been with me since I was in grad school:

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your ideas, your dreams,
before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because
the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The people who risk nothing, do nothing,
have nothing, are nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but
they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves;
they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

This is the uncertain life. And only the bravest among us can engage with it. This is the theme of the Portion today and this week.

You see, Moses went to the mountain top.  And people had predicted his return. They were certain they knew when he would. And when he didn’t? The people panicked.

Life is uncertain.  How we operate in that uncertainty is critical for remaining in our own strength and softness.

Grace.

Courteous goodwill.

This is the graciousness we need when faced with dishonor.  The golden calf was a dishonor to Hashem. To Moses. And? It was because of the uncertainty of the moment. And? Hashem was still giving the people goodwill.

So even in this risk? There is grace.

The key focus is honor.  Taking a risk HONORS our heart.

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your ideas, your dreams,
before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because
the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The people who risk nothing, do nothing,
have nothing, are nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but
they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves;
they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

What are your thoughts?

Here are my thoughts from a year ago:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 17 Adar 1, 5784
Parsha Ki-Tissa: (Exodus 30:11 – 34:35)
Second Portion: Exodus 31:18 – 33:11

Good morning! We have a LONG passage today.  In reflecting on my thoughts from the past two years, along with my meditation this morning? A major theme emerges.

This morning in my meditation, the teacher (Oren Jay Sofer) talked about approaching each moment with “freshness” or “newness.”

He said this:

Mindfulness is:

“Letting go of the outcome. Just showing up for this moment. Not knowing what’s going to happen next.

As you as you think you know what’s happening, you’re not actually being mindful.  You’re living in a thought or story based on the past. Mindfulness is about meeting our experience fresh. Each moment. Bring the spirit of not knowing and being fresh.”

“To not know means we have to let go. We want what we want.

When we are clearer about what we need, we have more choice and more space.

See if we can let go a little bit.

Let go of the outcome. Of our expectations. About what should happen. What we want to have happen. Are we willing to not know? At least a little bit?

How does this change things? More space to listen? More space to be creative and explore in ourselves?

When we are willing to not know, it opens the whole playing field. Anything is possible. When we are attached to an outcome – there are far fewer options for how to move.

Be willing to not know.”

So much of life is this. We try to predict and hold onto an outcome. And this is connected to our portion today. Today we engage with the Golden Calf. The Children of Israel had been rescued from slavery. They were free. And. They weren’t. Despite NOT being slaves, Hashem was showing them where their “stuckness” was. This is what I wrote prior:

Moses was meeting with the King of Kings. And the people were waiting to meet with Moses. They got impatient. They couldn’t predict when Moses would return. And so they went to a place of comfort. They sought out comfort with what they knew. They trusted themselves.

Can we let go of predictability? Can we approach this moment with freshness and curiosity?  Let’s dig in.

31:18When He had finished speaking with him on Mount Sinai, He gave Moses the two tablets of the testimony, stone tablets, written with the finger of God.

This passage starts with what seems like the culmination of Moses receiving the tablets from Hashem.  We would EXPECT the next line to be something like “and then Moses went down to the people and shared with them ALL Hashem told him, and they all lived happily ever after!”  And. That is NOT what happened. We cut to the people’s perspective. Moses’ reality was meeting with Hashem. The Torah shows us a COMPLETELY different reality for the people:

32:1When the people saw that Moses was late in coming down from the mountain, the people gathered against Aaron, and they said to him: “Come on! Make us gods that will go before us, because this man Moses, who brought us up from the land of Egypt we don’t know what has become of him.”

Um. They had predicted Moses would have returned already. And when he didn’t? They got scared. We are AFRAID of unpredictability. This is the wilderness we live in. Wild = unpredictable.

I am reflecting – there are three states of being:

• Slavery
• Wilderness
• The Promised Land

Where do we see ourselves in THIS moment? Do we see ourselves stuck in slavery? There is a predictability to that isn’t there?  Do we see ourselves in the Promised Land? There is a predictability to that isn’t there?

The truth? We are in the wilderness. It’s wild. It’s unpredictable. We have wants. We have needs. And we just don’t know. That’s the freshness we were discussing earlier.  Do we see the wilderness we live in? Or do we convince ourselves we live in predictability?

Aaron, being the wise dude he was, of COURSE told them – just be patient! Right? Um. No.

2Aaron said to them, “Remove the golden earrings that are on the ears of your wives, your sons, and your daughters and bring them [those earrings] to me.”

3And all the people stripped themselves of the golden earrings that were on their ears and brought them to Aaron.

4He took [them] from their hand[s], fashioned it with an engraving tool, and made it into a molten calf, upon which they said: “These are your gods, O Israel, who have brought you up from the land of Egypt!”

5When Aaron saw [this], he built an altar in front of it, and Aaron proclaimed and said: “Tomorrow shall be a festival to the Lord.”

Um. Aaron? What. The. Efff.

I’m chewing on this. Here’s a hypothetical.

Rent is due on Friday.

There are no credit cards to pay rent.

You have half the money in your bank account on Monday.

How do you approach the moment? Do you BELIEVE you aren’t going to make rent? Do you become desperate and make decisions to sacrifice short term goals to provide comfort of knowing where rent will come from on Friday?  Here’s a choice:

• You figure out Tuesday how to pay rent, you find the $1000 you need and you feel peace about Friday.
• You remain open and see where things go and Thursday you make decisions because of the opportunities presented Wednesday and you now have $2000 to pay rent AND pay an extra month’s rent

What option do you go with looking backwards?

But in the moment. The fear. The unpredictability? We will likely choose the stability and predictability of the first one, won’t we?

What is happening here is not unusual if we really get curious. The people were scared Moses hadn’t returned when they thought he would. Aaron likely was a little concerned too.

They all wanted something CONCRETE. Something they could see.  Enter the Golden Calf.

What are the Golden Calves in our lives? How do WE navigate unpredictability?

Do we eat food that brings us comfort (um. Yes.)

Do we spend money we don’t have because it feels like control. (um. Yes.)

Can we instead approach the moment in freshness? In newness? And not be stuck? (um. That sounds MUCH MORE DIFFICULT, tyler).

And yet, this is where the children of Israel found themselves:

6On the next day they arose early, offered up burnt offerings, and brought peace offerings, and the people sat down to eat and to drink, and they got up to make merry.

They got up to “make merry.” Um. Party, anyone? That brought comfort. For me? I eat junk. That’s my “making merry.”  What is yours? 

Ok. Cut back to the mountain and Moses/Hashem meeting:

7And the Lord said to Moses: “Go, descend, for your people that you have brought up from the land of Egypt have acted corruptly.

8They have quickly turned away from the path that I have commanded them; they have made themselves a molten calf! And they have prostrated themselves before it, slaughtered sacrifices to it, and said: ‘These are your gods, O Israel, who have brought you up from the land of Egypt.’ “

9And the Lord said to Moses: “I have seen this people and behold! they are a stiff necked people.

10Now leave Me alone, and My anger will be kindled against them so that I will annihilate them, and I will make you into a great nation.”

Whoa. Hashem seems a smidge angry, doesn’t He? Why would the Torah tell us this? Is Hashem a petulant child who can’t emotionally regulate?

No.

My take is Hashem was wanting Moses to learn more compassion – because here is Moses’ response:

11Moses pleaded before the Lord, his God, and said: “Why, O Lord, should Your anger be kindled against Your people whom You have brought up from the land of Egypt with great power and with a strong hand?

12Why should the Egyptians say: ‘He brought them out with evil [intent] to kill them in the mountains and to annihilate them from upon the face of the earth’? Retreat from the heat of Your anger and reconsider the evil [intended] for Your people.

13Remember Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, Your servants, to whom You swore by Your very Self, and to whom You said: ‘I will multiply your seed like the stars of the heavens, and all this land which I said that I would give to your seed, they shall keep it as their possession forever.’ “

14The Lord [then] reconsidered the evil He had said He would do to His people.

Think about this. Moses gave Hashem a rational argument. Why does the Torah include this?

I think it’s because our own souls need to hear this.

Look – Hashem (the Universe, Source, etc) has brought us out of slavery. He has acted in our lives in a VERY strong way. Why should our enemies – those who are observing our lives – see Hashem then annihilate us? Trust in the promises of Hashem.

Can we trust this?

Can we trust that Hashem provides for EVERY animal on earth. All animals have what they need. Can we trust we have what we need? We may not see HOW in this moment – but can we trust it? This is the message.

15Now Moses turned and went down from the mountain [bearing] the two tablets of the testimony in his hand, tablets inscribed from both their sides; on one side and on the other side they were inscribed.

16Now the tablets were God’s work, and the inscription was God’s inscription, engraved on the tablets.

17When Joshua heard the voice of the people in their shouting, he said to Moses: “There is a voice of battle in the camp!”

18But [Moses] said: “[It is] neither a voice shouting victory, nor a voice shouting defeat; a voice of blasphemy I hear.”

19Now it came to pass when he drew closer to the camp and saw the calf and the dances, that Moses’ anger was kindled, and he flung the tablets from his hands, shattering them at the foot of the mountain.

20Then he took the calf they had made, burned it in fire, ground it to fine powder, scattered [it] upon the surface of the water, and gave [it to] the children of Israel to drink.

So this is interesting right? On the mountain, Moses seemed less angry until he SAW the reality. Then he was PISSED. Yes. I used that word. Because I think it appropriately communicates Moses’ reality.

Moses was angry.

Here’s a question. Was Moses’ anger abuse? What Moses’ anger problematic? How do we FEEL about Moses being angry? Especially if we put ourselves in this story as the ones who made the Golden Calf?

And then? Moses looks to Aaron:

21Moses said to Aaron: “What did this people do to you that you brought [such] a grave sin upon them?”

Moses assumed Aaron’s failed leadership was because of the people – not Aaron. That is an interesting thought, isn’t it? And I wonder how much sarcasm was in this statement from Moses.

22Aaron replied: “Let not my lord’s anger grow hot! You know the people, that they are disposed toward evil.

23They said to me, ‘Make us gods who will go before us, because this man Moses, who brought us up from the land of Egypt we do not know what has become of him.’

24I said to them, ‘Who has gold?’ So they took it [the gold] off and gave it to me; I threw it into the fire and out came this calf.”

25And Moses saw the people, that they were exposed, for Aaron had exposed them to be disgraced before their adversaries.

Aaron points out to Moses – why are you surprised? This is part of the design.

We are disposed towards evil.

Let that sink in.

What do we do with this?

Do we numb ourselves to it?

Do we distract ourselves from it?

Do we explore it with curiosity?

Do we pretend it’s not true?

“And Moses saw the people, that they were exposed.”

The people were vulnerable. They were disgraced.

And how did Moses respond?

26So Moses stood in the gate of the camp and said: “Whoever is for the Lord, [let him come] to me!” And all the sons of Levi gathered around him.

In their nakedness. Moses gave them a choice.

We have a choice. We are not slaves. We are free.

Will we go with Moses? And keep in mind – they did NOT know what was going to happen. They were asked a question and given an action. They didn’t know.

We have a question. Are we for the Lord? Are we for Hashem? Are we for the Universe? Will we take action and go with Moses?

27He said to them: “So said the Lord, the God of Israel: ‘Let every man place his sword upon his thigh and pass back and forth from one gate to the other in the camp, and let every man kill his brother, every man his friend, every man his kinsman.’ “

28The sons of Levi did according to Moses’ word; on that day some three thousand men fell from among the people.

On one hand. What the efff? Kill.

On the other? Within each of us – are we willing to kill those parts of who we are that are stuck? That are holding onto outcomes? Are we willing to “begin again” within us to live in the unpredictability of the wilderness and TRUST Hashem.

Trust the rent money is going to come in – provided we take the right action at the right time, instead of acting out of desperation and fear?

Trust that the food will arrive like the manna, provided we take the right action at the right time, instead of acting out of desperation and fear?

We often think we have a false choice: Take action or Be Lazy. This is NOT the choice. There are ALWAYS two choices; “What is the right action?” And “What is the right time to act?”

And if we do this? We get a fresh start.

29And Moses said: “Initiate yourselves today for the Lord for each man with his son and with his brother so that He may bestow a blessing upon you this day. “

Blessing will come. If we are willing to put to death those parts of us that are keeping us stuck? Blessing will come.

30It came to pass on the next day that Moses said to the people: “You have committed a grave sin. And now I will go up to the Lord; perhaps I will obtain atonement for your sin.”

Moses tells the people – “I am going to talk to Hashem on your behalf.”

31And Moses returned to the Lord and said: “Please! This people has committed a grave sin. They have made themselves a god of gold.

32And now, if You forgive their sin But if not, erase me now from Your book, which You have written.”

33And the Lord said to Moses: “Whoever has sinned against Me, him I will erase from My book!”

34And now go, lead the people to [the place] of which I have spoken to you. Behold My angel will go before you. But on the day I make an accounting [of sins upon them], I will bring their sin to account against them.”

35Then the Lord struck the people with a plague, because they had made the calf that Aaron had made.

Now before we judge – because we THINK we know where this is headed? Let’s pause and be curious.

Hashem strikes the people with a plague. A sickness. And then Hashem sends Moses back:

33:1The Lord spoke to Moses: “Go, ascend from here, you and the people you have brought up from the land of Egypt, to the land that I swore to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, saying: ‘I will give it to your descendants.’

2I will send an angel before you, and I will drive out the Canaanites, the Amorites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Hivvites, and the Jebusites

3to a land flowing with milk and honey; because I will not go up in your midst since you are a stiff necked people, lest I destroy you on the way.”

After striking the people with a plague, this is interesting right? Hashem is STILL saying “I’ve got your back. I will send out an angel before you to drive out your enemies. You are STILL going to a land of Milk and Honey.” But instead of ME going with you – it will be my ANGELS.

Hashem knows if He goes? He will destroy them because we are stiff necked.

4[When] the people heard this bad news, they mourned, and no one put on his finery.

The people’s hearts were broken. They knew the guilt and shame of what they did.

And. What is finery?  Luxury. They were in mourning for their guilt.

5And the Lord said to Moses: “Say to the children of Israel: ‘You are a stiff necked people; if I go up into your midst for one moment, I will destroy you; but now, leave off your finery, and I will know what to do to you.’ “

6So the children of Israel divested themselves of their finery from Mount Horeb.

In mourning and letting go of their guilt? In grieving their shame? They were asked to let go of their luxury.

7And Moses took the tent and pitched it for himself outside the camp, distancing [it] from the camp, and he called it the tent of meeting, and it would be that anyone seeking the Lord would go out to the tent of meeting, which was outside the camp.

8And it would be that when Moses would go out to the tent, all the people would rise and stand, each one at the entrance of his tent, and they would gaze after Moses until he went into the tent.

9And it would be that when Moses entered the tent, the pillar of cloud would descend and stand at the entrance of the tent, and He would speak with Moses.

10When all the people would see the pillar of cloud standing at the entrance of the tent, all the people would rise and prostrate themselves, each one at the entrance of his tent.

11Then the Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as a man would speak to his companion, and he would return to the camp, but his attendant, Joshua, the son of Nun, a lad, would not depart from the tent.

The story of the Golden Calf ends with Moses and Hashem and the people returning to a proper relationship.  The children let go of the wealth they brought from Egypt. Hashem TOLD THEM to bring this with them. And. It had become a burden. They released the finery and went back to trusting Hashem. They released the SAFETY that came from wealth and trusted Hashem.

They were patient. They rose and prostrated themselves (got up to go down) because they knew what they had done.

And. Joshua – a lad – becomes a symbol of hope. He never left the tent. He wanted to be where Hashem was.

And. This is the context for yesterday’s portion. You may want to consider reading it again. Because we now have DEEPER context for the grace and mercy shown to us. Are we open to re-reading the passage with an attitude of freshness?  Are we open to living our day today with this same attitude of freshness? Yes, we may have been here before. It may feel familiar to us. And. We may be missing something that was there and we were to narrow focused to see it.

Let me know what you think!