Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 13 Iyar, 5783

Today’s Omer theme is “Malchut of Netzach” or “Dignity of Endurance.”  This is the final piece of the puzzle of endurance.  If we endure but lose our dignity, then it is not love.

From Chabad:

Sovereignty is the cornerstone of endurance. Endurance that encompasses the previous six qualities is indeed a tribute and testimony to the majesty of the human spirit.

Is my endurance dignified? Does it bring out the best in me? When faced with hardships do I behave like a king or queen, walking proudly with my head up, confident in my G‑d-given strengths, or do I cower and shrivel up in fear?

Exercise for the day: Fight for a dignified cause.

I’ll confess. I have sacrificed my dignity for the sake of endurance.  I have given away my sovereignty.  This quote from a year ago resonates:

“I know for me; it’s the trauma of neglect. How that yearning to be healed from a childhood of neglect has impacted how I navigate my relationships with others. How I internalize anxiety in a response to doing everything I can to not neglect others. To the point I don’t take care of myself and then shut down, which then causes neglect of others. Which then creates guilt and shame, and the spiral goes down and down and down.

I’ve learned the importance of self care. That I need to be grounded from within. And understand I am human just like the rest of you. My spending time taking care of me, I am LESS likely to neglect those in my life I care about. I always thought it was the other way around.”

Looking within, I see where I neglect myself in order to endure.  It’s exhausting.  I let me guard down with those I need to keep my guard up on.  I keep my guard up with those I should lower it.  Because. At the end of the day? I don’t want dignified endurance.  I want to endure drama. I want to endure toxicity.  And at some point? I need to take responsibility for the decisions I am making.  I need to guard myself from toxicity – instead of wearing the endurance of toxicity like a badge of honor.  Instead of telling myself and being proud of “look at all this crap you’ve had to endure!  You are amazing” I am ignoring the part of me that says “why do you keep making choices to walk in this crap?  You don’t HAVE TO endure this crap if you chose differently.”  This isn’t victim blaming.  It’s me taking sovereignty for the decisions I am making, and the boundaries I set up for myself and continue to cross over.

It is fitting today’s portion is about the “days of awe.”  Are we seeing ourselves as spiritually free beings who are worthy of awe? Do we endure with sovereignty?

“When faced with hardships do I behave like a king or queen, walking proudly with my head up, confident in my G‑d-given strengths, or do I cower and shrivel up in fear?”

That. And. Do I allow my God given strengths to help me AVOID situations that I would even need to endure?

Every day. Every moment. We can reflect as we do during the 10 days of awe.  We can reflect on “10 seconds of awe” or “10 minutes of awe” or “10 hours of awe.”  Can I start with a reflection on where I need to change (repent) and move through that to choose what is going to be sovereign in my life (Yom Kippur).  And maybe enjoy some apples and honey along the way.

We all endure. Because we all love. But we will only love externally as far as we love internally.  Our field only extends out as far as it extends within.  Take this moment to reflect. Repent. Forgive ourselves. Then move forward. Towards freedom. Liberation. And. The giving of the Torah.  Direction.

What are your thoughts?

This is my commentary from a year ago:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 11 Iyar, 5782

Today is the 26th day of the Omer!

As we have passed through the midpoint of the Omer and turn our attention towards Shavuot – when the ”new crop” is brought before Hashem. This “new crop” hopefully is connected to our freedom and liberation journey from Passover. This new crop is planted in freedom and not out of obligation.

It is interesting because today’s passage is relatively short. But it’s dense.

The portion today talks about two holidays – Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur; the days of awe.

The theme of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are repentance and forgiveness – and atonement. It’s a good reminder; that even in freedom and liberation, we need to reflect and chew on areas we need forgiveness for – both behaviors that occurred while we were still in slavery – and those that occur while in liberation.

As we journey to bring our new crop to Hashem on Shavuot, it’s good to pause and reflect on those areas we need to deal with and navigate. What are we holding onto that we haven’t let go of? Now is the time to reflect and seek forgiveness; because by doing so, the “new crop” we bring to Hashem on Shavuot is going to be even more pleasing and sweet to Him!

All along the walk with Hashem, He provides us opportunities to turn inward and reflect.

So what thoughts, behaviors and/or beliefs have been dragging you back to slavery? What might we deal with today that will help us continue our journey in the wilderness towards liberation?

I know for me; it’s the trauma of neglect. How that yearning to be healed from a childhood of neglect has impacted how I navigate my relationships with others. How I internalize anxiety in a response to doing everything I can to not neglect others. To the point I don’t take care of myself and then shut down, which then causes neglect of others. Which then creates guilt and shame, and the spiral goes down and down and down.

I’ve learned the importance of self care. That I need to be grounded from within. And understand I am human just like the rest of you. My spending time taking care of me, I am LESS likely to neglect those in my life I care about. I always thought it was the other way around.

So those are my thoughts. What about you? What are yours?