Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 17 Cheshvan, 5785

Today we read the second portion of the “Life of Sarah” and we begin to see a picture of Sarah’s “Life” which ends up being the world she left when she passed. Her legacy. The life of Sarah is about legacy.

How much do we reflect on our legacy? We can’t “control” our legacy, can we?

What can I “control?” The legacy of my parents. The lessons I learned. The things I bring with me, and the things I leave behind in each moment. The life of Sarah is in us. We can choose to write the story of our parents legacy.

And? This is self fulfilling and self defeating, isn’t it?

How can we say our parents left an ugly legacy while being a part of that legacy?

How we view our parents legacy may reflect on us in a moment. We had no “control” over the upbringing we had. Trauma may have reigned for many of us.

And? This is the precipice, isn’t it? Do we choose to live on the edge of a legacy of trauma? Or do we heal within the impact of the trauma so we can see the beauty of our parents legacy?

The life of Sarah is a legacy. We often look into the future for the legacy we live, right? What if the answers are in the past? And the laboratory is in the next 30-60 seconds we have on this earth. The choices we make? That is our legacy. That is the only legacy.

What will our lives look like once we are gone? Who is going to write our legacy story?

Finally, I wanted to share something that has been ruminating within my head.

My kids this past weekend (Three of them) performed in the high school version of the Wizard of Oz. It was amazing.

There is a line in the show that has created a lot of dissonance for me.

Towards the very end, Dorothy and her friends meet the Wizard – the man behind the curtain. And he talks about love and heart to the tin man and says this quote: “A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.”

I have struggled with this quote.  On the surface? I feel a lot of resistance to it. For a few reasons.

First, judged. I resist the idea of judging hearts. I work to remain curious. And? I can flow and look at and contemplate a heart.

Second, I resisted the idea that “being loved by others” is the goal – it felt very “people pleasing” to me. That life is about being a chameleon in order to get people to love you.

Upon reflection, I think I see both sides of this. I have often shared “We can only love others to the capacity at which they love themselves.”

I understand the ego and the self are two different thing. Loving our ego?  Vanity and Narcissism. Loving our self? Purpose. Legacy.

The more we love who we truly are, and the more we allow others to experience this part of who we are? We are taking true vulnerability, intimacy, and tenderness;  this is indeed the measure of love. The measure of a heart.

Capacity. Not control.

We so much want to control. Its built into our nature (I think).

Creation connects with Chaos.

Chaos connects with Capacity.

As we engage with creation – as we learn to co-create – it is required we let go of control. To create chaos – which expands our capacity to love and be loved. To move beyond the prison of our own egos. To just live in the beauty of the freedom we are surrounded by.

Prosperity comes from embodiment. When we compromise who we are to “get others to love us” – we lose the capacity to be loved for our true selves. We build an ego that convinces us we are “great and powerful” because we have so many people in our corner.

In this compromise we lose competence in our true selves. As we live authentically, as we live in creation and chaos, we build competence within and begin to “embody” our legacy. This embodiment leads to prosperity, plenty, and generosity. True generosity, and not giving from a place of ego or selfishness.

These are my thoughts, and seem to be the legacy of the “Life of Sarah.”

What are your thoughts?

Here are my thoughts from last year:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 22 Cheshvan, 5784
Parsha Hayyei Sarah: (Genesis 23:1 -25:18) 
Second Portion: Genesis 23:17 – 24:9

It is REALLY interesting.  In today’s second portion, we basically move on from Sarah’s life. This entire Parsha is labeled “the life of Sarah” And yet, this is NOT a Quentin Tarantino movie – where we start at the end and go BACK to the beginning. Let’s dig in (Genesis 23:17-20):

17And so the field of Ephron which was in Machpelah, facing Mamre, was established (as Abraham’s possession). [This included] the field and the cave that was in it, and all the trees that were in the field, which were within its entire border around.

18[It was] to Abraham as a possession before the eyes of the sons of Heth, in the presence of all who had come within the gate of his city.

19And afterwards, Abraham buried Sarah his wife in the cave of the field of Machpelah, facing Mamre, which is Hebron, in the land of Canaan.

20And the field and the cave within it were established to Abraham as burial property, [purchased] from the sons of Heth.

And this is it. That’s as much as the portion goes into Sarah’s life. We turn the page and move to Isaac, and Abraham’s finding him a wife:

1And Abraham was old, advanced in days, and the Lord had blessed Abraham with everything.

2And Abraham said to his servant, the elder of his house, who ruled over all that was his, “Please place your hand under my thigh.

3And I will adjure you by the Lord, the God of the heaven and the God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose midst I dwell.

4But you shall go to my land and to my birthplace, and you shall take a wife for my son, for Isaac.”

So.  One of the things I am reflecting on is how the Torah handles women.  Sarah’s life ends. And we are now focusing on a NEW woman. We read about many men in the Torah.  But it would seem like the Torah focuses on one woman at a time (unless we see daughters doing some things that aren’t that great).

Sarai, Sarah – and now, the feminine is gone from the Torah – it is time for a new woman to enter the picture. And Abraham makes a point and places importance on (asking a dude to place a hand under your thigh? Pretty serious and intimate) finding a wife for Isaac from Abraham’s people. Let’s keep going:

5And the servant said to him, “Perhaps the woman will not wish to go after me to this land. Shall I return your son to the land from which you came?”

6And Abraham said to him, “Beware, lest you return my son back there.

7The Lord, God of the heavens, Who took me from my father’s house and from the land of my birth, and Who spoke about me, and Who swore to me, saying, ‘To your seed will I give this land’ He will send His angel before you, and you shall take a wife for my son from there.

So. Here’s two different takeaways on the life of Sarah:

1. Sarah’s life did not begin until her death. The impact Sarah had on Isaac while she was alive – is her life. Sarah lives on through Isaac. Everything we see Isaac do was established during the life of Sarah. 
2. Sarah’s life and then death left a space in the created world that needed to be filled. We needed the next matriarch, and Abraham saw the value and importance of this. Rebecca was the next woman who would build off Sarah’s life.

This leads me to this thought:

What legacy am I leaving to my children? When I pass from this earth, will they see my values lived out through them? Will I build into them safety, peace, patience, and kindness?

I ALSO reflect how my parents’ legacy has lived on in MY life. Which honestly? Is kind of surprising. Let me explain more:

This weekend, I went home to West Chester, PA with my oldest daughter. I showed her my childhood. It was a walk down the legacy my parents left for me. Which at the time I was experiencing it – was incredibly traumatic. And yet, here I was with my oldest daughter, speaking fondly of the legacy my parents left for me:

• We actually started our “tour” with the home my mom lived in when she passed away. We began with the end of my mom’s life.
• Then we went to my high school and elementary school.
• Then my childhood home.
• We got a picture in front of our house together
• We went to the place of one of my favorite memories as a kid – a place called Booth’s Corner
• We then ended up at my parents grave site – where I put together that on my mom’s grave was the word “grandmother” which I realized in that moment – the ONLY reason that was on the monument was because of my oldest daughter. My mom died 6 months after she was born. She never even met my daughter. And yet loved my daughter a ton.

I share all of this to put together; my mom’s best lives on through me. And through my daughter.  But only because I am free. Free to choose which life I want to move forward with. One of the pain and trauma of my mother’s life – or one of value, freedom, and legacy. The life of my mother continues through MY life, and the life of the next crucial woman in our legacy – my oldest daughter. That might feel like some pressure – and may feel like a prison – but let’s go back to the Torah portion.  Here is how today’s portion ends (Genesis 24:8-9):

8And if the woman will not wish to go after you, you will be absolved of this, my oath; only do not return my son back there.”

9And the servant placed his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master, and he swore to him concerning this matter

Abraham gave his servant an “out” – the woman (who we know is Rebecca) had a CHOICE.  He was not to force the woman to return. She got to decide.

My children have a legacy to uphold – but it is purely a choice. I have a legacy to uphold – but it is purely a choice.  I can build upon the positive legacy my parents left for me – and truly live the “life of Arlene” (my mother’s name) or choose to live a different life. Freedom. Liberation.

I want to give my children the choice – do they want to live the “life of Benjamin” (my Hebrew name) or do they want to go their own way and live a different life?

We see Abraham give Isaac a legacy too.  What Isaac does with the legacy is up to him.

What are your thoughts?