Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 22 Nisan, 5784 – Eighth Day of Passover – Day 7 of Omer
Parsha ‘Aharei Mot – “After the death”: (Leviticus 16:1 – 18:30) 

The last day of Passover. The 7th day of the Omer.

Today’s Omer theme is “Malchut of Chesed.” Or “Dignity of love.”

From Chabad:

“Mature love comes with – and brings – personal dignity. An intimate feeling of nobility and regality. Knowing your special place and contribution in this world. Any love that is debilitating and breaks the human spirit is no love at all. For love to be complete it must have the dimension of personal sovereignty.

Exercise for the day: Highlight an aspect in your love that has bolstered your spirit and enriched your life – and celebrate.”

The key line for me is “Any love that is debilitating and breaks the human spirit is no love at all. For love to be complete it must have the dimension of personal sovereignty.”

I have realized in my life – my problem is I want to control the uncontrollable. I have shifted away from control and towards authority. I am not in control of my surroundings or circumstances. I am, however, the authority on them. I know myself best – and I have the sovereignty and authority to make the best decisions in every moment.

I have learned my body holds a lot of past trauma. My brain creates order by telling stories to control the narrative in my mind. It creates a picture story where there is control out of chaos – there are victims and villains to navigate the trauma.  All to avoid actually FEELING the feelings. I know in my head how I feel, but I do not allow my heart and body to actually feel them.

I can know that I am sad.  But to actually allow myself to feel sad? That is different.

I can know that I feel shame. But to allow myself to feel shame? That is different.

This is the healing work.  This is the dignity of love.

Mark Nepo’s writes in the “Book of Awakening”:

Time and time again, the head must be brought beneath the heart or the ego swells. If you do not bend, life will bend you. In this way, humility is accepting that your head belongs beneath your heart, with your thinking subordinate to your feeling, with your will subordinate to the higher order. This acceptance is key to receiving grace.

Lay your head down and the world of being will open its joys.

In other words. My mind has been the Dom, and my feelings the sub. However, this is ego. My Mind must bend to the will of my feelings.

This is why I don’t like this emotional work. There are no clear answers. And this is humility.

My trauma wants me to disconnect from my heart. Because it’s chaos. There is no order. I’ve created order in my head to control the uncontrollable.

And this is the lesson. Feelings aren’t ordered. They are chaotic. Feelings connected to trauma? Even worse. To be in a moment and feel both confidence and insecurity literally makes NO SENSE. And so my mind jumps right in to MAKE IT MAKE SENSE. Instead of resting and giving dignity to the idea that in a moment I can feel insecure AND confident. Because honestly? I have felt shame about that for too long.

This is the attempt to control the uncontrollable. I can’t control my feelings. I can try. I can try to make them my sub. My mind can whip the feelings and reframe them, manipulate itself and convince itself of realities to try and change the feelings. All to avoid the chaos of feeling conflicted and satisfied at the same time.

Instead of trying to convince myself “something is wrong” if I feel feelings that make no sense? I need to embrace and give air to these various emotions. To allow my mind to get out of the way of my heart. And live according to my feelings.

And this? This is the dignity of love.

For love to be complete? As Chabad wrote “it must have the dimension of personal  sovereignty.”

What are your thoughts?