Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 25 Kislev, 5784
Parsha Va-Yeshev (Genesis 37:1 – 40:23)
Sixth Portion: Genesis 39:7 – 39:23

Happy Hanukkah! Hopefully last night was a special night to light our first candle – to do our first mitzvah in the darkness.  I know I was able to complete my assignment and reached out to a friend I had not connected with in over a year. How about you?

As we continue Hanukkah, it is time to start thinking about the new moon cycle that starts at sundown on December 12^th (the sixth night of Hanukkah) so Tuesday night.  We will be in full darkness!  It is time to start thinking about our intent for the next cycle.  What do you want to do in the next moon cycle? Just to warn you – it’s likely going to be an interesting ride.  Tevet brings some judgment from the Universe – some might call it Karmic. The actions we’ve taken so far since Yom Kippur may be in for an adjustment. If we made promises we haven’t kept – if we haven’t been true to our selves – we may come to be put in touch with that.  More on this next moon cycle to come – but the Tenth of Tevet – as we begin to approach the light of the next full moon – it will all come to light for our good.  Remember – even in judgment and chaos, it is always for our good and best! To read more, click this link

Let’s dig into the portion. We left off with Joseph being sold into slavery – and building trust with Potiphar. He became the Pharoah’s Chambermaid’s Chambermaid.  In charge of the entire household.  Let’s dig in:

7Now it came to pass after these events that his master’s wife lifted up her eyes to Joseph, and she said, “Lie with me.”

8But he refused, and he said to his master’s wife, “Behold, with me my master knows nothing about anything in the house, and all he has he has given into my hand.

9In this house, there is no one greater than I, and he has not withheld anything from me except you, insofar as you are his wife. Now how can I commit this great evil, and sin against God?”

Uh oh. Tale as old as time, isn’t it? Joseph ascends to great heights. His journey so far was – a childhood brat ratting on his brothers (or worst case lying about them) to his dad. He has an epiphany and turns around – heals and goes to his brothers to see to their welfare – and they throw him into a pit and sell him into slavery.  Instead of becoming bitter, Joseph continues to serve Hashem – he finds himself with Potiphar – and serves Potiphar so well with Hashem’s help that Potiphar trusts him with his entire house.  Great heights!  We see the “check mark” often in Joseph’s life.  He goes down to go up!

Now. So far – there isn’t anything REALLY wrong.  Potiphar’s wife communicates her desires clearly and honestly. No shame or guilt in that.  No judgment on her. Just because our morality might judge that, Potiphar’s wife was just being open and honest. She knew what she wanted. SO far – no issues.

Joseph lays down a personal boundary.  He tells Potiphar’s wife “your view of reality and my view of reality is different – please respect mine.”  Boundaries are crucial.

Here’s my first takeaway here – boundaries.  In our lives – what boundaries do we have? Personal boundaries that don’t involve anyone else. Are these boundaries ours? Or are these boundaries put in place because of others?

When working in higher education – we sometimes had to create policies, procedures, etc because a staff member would find a “loop hole.”  So we’d create the “tyler rule” because some staff member named tyler (it’s me BTW) would figure out a way to get around the boundary.  We’d even refer to it as the “tyler rule” when training on it.  The tyler rule isn’t something we created for us – it was to protect ourselves from the tyler’s coming next who might expose our loop hole.

Now. For you and me? What boundaries do we have for ourselves that are put there PURELY to protect us from others? Vs. Boundaries we’ve created that are ours?

One last example – my past trauma created a bunch of “rules” I wouldn’t follow to avoid feeling certain feelings – things like “not mixing salt and sweet foods.”  These were boundaries I set for myself because of past traumas that had NOTHING TO DO with food. I just liked being able to have things in their safe “boxes.” When I let go of this rule, I discovered yummy food – and had to navigate the emotional trigger that was being protected by my boundary and brain.

This is a MUCH different boundary than Joseph sets here. Joseph is convicted it is the wrong thing to lie with Potiphar’s wife. He lays a clear boundary down.

Now – if Potiphar’s wife received that takes Joseph at his word? Maybe she backs off. Best case scenario “Oh, I am sorry for crossing a line here. I won’t bother with this any more.”

But.

That’s not what happened. Let’s keep going:

10Now it came about when she spoke to Joseph day in and day out, that he did not obey her, to lie beside her [and] to be with her.

11And it came about on a certain day, that he came to the house to do his work, and none of the people of the house were there in the house.

12So she grabbed him by his garment, saying, “Lie with me!” But he left his garment in her hand and fled and went outside.

So. Potiphar’s wife saw this as a control thing.  “He did not obey her.” This was not about mutual respect.

How many of us engage with people like this? We share our boundaries, and people push on them and try to convince us not to have these boundaries? This gets to the heart of it.  Control. “He did not obey her.”

If you are struggling because you are in a relationship with someone who won’t respect your boundary? And let me be clear – who actively challenges the boundary? This is not a relationship based on mutual respect. It’s a relationship based on control. Just my opinion – take it for what it’s worth.

And again – I can’t place boundaries on SOMEONE else. Joseph wasn’t in a position to say “if you ask me to lie with you again, I will leave” because at the end of the day Joseph was still a slave.  He was stuck.

So as much as he was riding high – he was still reminded of his prison. His slavery.

And – eventually? He still left. Knowing what that would do. Let’s keep going:

13Now it happened, when she saw that he had left his garment in her hand and had fled outside,

14that she called to the people of her house, and she spoke to them, saying, “Look! He brought us a Hebrew man to mock us. He came to me to lie with me, but I called loudly.

15And it happened that when he heard that I raised my voice and called out, he left his garment beside me, and he fled and went outside.”

16So she left his garment beside her, until his master came home.

Potiphar’s wife didn’t get what she wanted. So she lied. Because again – this was about control.  Joseph made the only choice he could make.

Surely Potiphar himself knew what kind of man Joseph was. He likely knew what kind of woman he married.  I would think.  But let’s see what happens when Potiphar returns:

17And she told him the same thing, saying, “The Hebrew slave that you brought to us came to me to mock me.

18And it happened when I raised my voice and called out, that he left his garment beside me and fled outside.”

19Now it came about when his master heard his wife’s report that she spoke to him, saying, “Your slave did such things to me,” that his wrath burned.

Ok. So I am sitting with the end of verse 19. “His wrath burned.” It is unclear who his wrath burned AGAINST. We infer from the passage it was LIKELY Joseph.  But there is ALSO a possibility his wrath burned against his wife because he knew.  There are two different realities here, aren’t there?  The Torah does NOT say “his wrath burned AGAINST Joseph.” And the Torah could have easily said that, right?

Now – if his wrath burned against Joseph, I’d imagine death would be a likely result, but that is not where Joseph went:

20So Joseph’s master took him and put him into prison, the place where the king’s prisoners were imprisoned, and he was there in the prison.

Potiphar put him in the royal prison. That’s an interesting choice if his wrath were burning against Joseph, right? Let’s finish out the portion:

21The Lord was with Joseph, and He extended charisma to him, and He gave him favor in the eyes of the warden of the prison.

22So the warden of the prison delivered all the prisoners who were in the prison into Joseph’s hand, and whatever they did there, he [was the one who] did it.

23The warden of the prison did not inspect anything [that was] in his (Joseph’s) hand, for the Lord was with him, and whatever he did the Lord made prosper.

The Torah tells us – Joseph was given charisma in prison – finding favor in the eyes of the warden.  He quickly rose to power in prison.

Which brings us to our final takeaway from this portion.  Power.  Control.

There are MANY sources of power. What we choose to give power will be sovereign in our life.  Some sources you may not have thought of, and some you might:

• Positional power – Potiphar and Potiphar’s wife had this power. Joseph did not with them – but quickly rose in ranks to gain positional power both in Potiphar’s house and in the prison with the warden.
• Expert power – this is the power that comes from having expertise. Someone can be the CEO of a company but they may not have the expertise other people in their company have. This is why lawyers have power – they are experts on the law – and most others can’t argue with them in their day to day life.
• Referent power – this is the power that comes from relationship – being admired – looked up to. Joseph had this in spades. He rose quickly. And – Joseph’s source was Hashem.
• Coercive/Reward power – This is someone who has the ability to reward or hurt someone.

Just a quick synopsis of power. I think we will dig more into it as we go. This seems to be where the Torah is taking us. Joseph’s power kept getting taken away from him. And he kept getting it back.  He went from an abusive situation with Potiphar’s wife to being in prison and rising in power again.

I will leave you with this:

If you are feeling powerless? Like you don’t have positional power, expert power, referent power, or coercive/reward power? In a job? In a relationship? In a family?  You have one option:

     Empower yourself.

How? How do we empower ourselves?

• Positional power. If someone has positional power over you and you have none? You can quit your job. Walk out of a relationship. Set a boundary.
• Expert power. If you feel like someone else is trying to control you or have power over you because you aren’t an expert? Educate yourself and become an expert. In this world – the extent upon which people with power will google something is limited.  Value learning.
• Referent power. This is key. How are you relating to YOURSELF? Grow and learn more about yourself and fall in love with yourself. When you see who you are; you’ll put up more boundaries to show you the reality upon which you find yourself.

More to come, but these are my thoughts. So let’s add to our learning for when we feel stuck and enslaved.  Here’s what he had so far:

1. When feeling stuck or enslaved we must remember we have freedom and choice
   1. We can choose to dwell in the past and let those (we believe) who brought us to this place of being stuck live rent free within our heads (or consciousness). Or.
   2. We can accept the moment we are in; receive the next 30-60 seconds and decide what our purpose is. Are we safe? Are we secure? What is our mission? What are our values?
2. We must remain grounded in the moment. In our current reality. We can fight the current reality all we like – but all that will do is remind us we are slaves. We can make different choices to focus on our freedom.

To this, let’s add some new takeaways:

When we are stuck or feeling enslaved – set boundaries for ourselves and COMMUNICATE THEM. Not to protect us from external sources. But to protect us from within. What boundaries do I need to have so I do not lose myself in this powerless situation?

Joseph could have completely lost his identity had he crossed lines with Potiphar’s wife. He would have given her even MORE power than she already had.  Because not only would she have positional power (which is the most fragile form of power BTW) she would have had expert power.  She could have held onto what happened and threatened Joseph to go to Potiphar had he gone through with it.

Second:

When we are feeling stuck or enslaved? We can find ways to empower ourselves. Setting boundaries, yes. But also educating ourselves. Learning. Growth. Development.

Those are my thoughts. What are yours?

Here are my thoughts from the past 2 years:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 22 Kislev, 5783

As we come back to this story about Joseph and Potiphar’s wife, I am reminded of the idea of “clothing” in our lives that we need to let go of and shed; for the sake of our own spiritual growth.

In a sense, Joseph’s pampered clothes kept him trapped in a spiritual prison that he needed freeing from. His soul was stuck. And he needed change. By being released from these clothes and being put in and earthly prison, Joseph was more free spiritually than he had ever been living outside the prison.

Joseph had the gift of dreams. Until Prison, it was rejected by others. He must have had a lot of doubts. But going into Prison, his life was about to radically change.

It’s a great lesson on judging our circumstances as a blessing or a curse. To the outside world, it may look tough; but spiritually – it may be just what we need to become more liberated.

As an example, yesterday was a tough day. I was home sick. It was a bold move on my part as I normally would have pushed through and gone to work. I was not aware yesterday of the lesson I needed to learn but this morning I did.

The reason I always pushed myself to go to work when I was sick before was because that is how I felt “seen.” Pushing through, sacrificing myself for others. Being sick, that was the moment to step up!

Taking care of myself yesterday was tough. I didn’t realize how I was feeling. Lonely. Guilty. These are feelings looking back remind me that there are still pieces of me that keep me spiritually locked in. Instead of being aware and embracing these normal human feelings of loneliness (because this was the first time no one was with me to take care of me) and guilt (because I was able to rest and sleep without having to take care of anyone) – I decided to stuff my face with food. I avoided doing some things I normally do.

So the decision to stay home – in almost a prison (I couldn’t go out) I was able to discover spiritual components that were still holding me back. And this morning I wake up more aware than I was a day before.

So. The lesson today (for me) is that our circumstances and the judgments of others are less important than being who we are.

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for Kislev 22, 5782

Todays portion covers a story we all know; Joseph and Potiphar’s wife.

Remember yesterday, that the ancient writings have God challenging Joseph with his success; because Joseph was pampering himself in Potiphar’s house, while Jacob was mourning, Hashem was going to incite Potiphar’s wife against him.

I think this is interesting context here; Potiphar’s wife was acting in Hashem’s design.

She approaches Joseph and asks him to sleep with her.

Joseph refuses. Joseph basically tells Potiphar’s wife she’s the tree in the garden of Eden; he can have whatever he wants, but the wife of his master is off limits!!

Potiphar’s wife continues to try and get Joseph to sleep with her. It says “When she would speak to Joseph day in and day out, he would not listen to her. Even to lie in the same bed as her or to be with her.

I’m thinking about how we deal with temptations today; how often we try to get as close to the temptation as we can without “going over” the line.

I also reflect on what Joseph might have done differently. Could he have gone to Potiphar? Probably not. I’m not sure what the answer here would have been, to avoid what comes next.

Part of this tells me that this was the entire design – that really Joseph was experiencing a blessing that needed to happen even though it appears in the moment to be a curse.

So; let’s move forward. There was a special day for the idol worshipers, and all of Potiphar’s house went to the temple of idolatry. That left Joseph alone with Potiphar’s wife. She grabbed him by the clothes, saying “sleep with me!” And he ran off outside, but left his clothes in her hands.

Rabbi Menachem Nahum Twersky writes about this; “‘Clothes’ are often employed by scripture as a metaphor for our external behavior patterns. Joseph had become to vain in his own eyes – he used beautify himself with attractive hairstyles. It was through these ‘clothes’ that Potiphar was able to grab hold of him.

Joseph realized what had happened, and he understood that this represented Potiphar’s power over him. So he ‘dashed off and went outside, leaving his clothes in her hand.’ He removed his spiritually unclean ‘clothing’ and returned to God.”

I find that really interesting here. That sometimes we need to leave our unclean clothes behind. I’m reflecting on my unclean clothes and how I can move forward!

Now; when Potiphar’s wife realizes she had Joseph’s clothes, she called the members of her house, and told them a lie: she accuses Joseph of trying to assault her.

I’m reflecting on this passage. Part of me wonders if this is where the modern idea that women lie about assaults is rooted in. That our patriarchal society sees women like Potiphar’s wife. Always wanting sex, and then lying about being assaulted. Which gives men more power.

I’m not saying this is true; but it does seem interesting to me that men who were religious (and had power) grew up reading this story every year. They (we) see ourselves as Joseph – of COURSE women want us! And they will lie when we reject them.

When the reality is, Joseph was being vain. He was being a little narcissistic. As men, we don’t often get THAT message, and I find that interesting. The takeaway from this story should be the humbling of Joseph.

I’d love your thoughts; especially women, since I bring my male lens to this portion!

So Potiphar’s wife waits for Potiphar to come home. She tells him what happened, he believes her without hesitation and throws Joseph into prison; where the king’s prisoners were imprisoned. As a friend shared; this isn’t Riker’s island we are talking about. This is where the white collar criminals go.

While Joseph was in prison, after he removed his spiritually unclean clothes, God was with Joseph and once again gave him a favorable image with the prison guards and warden. The warden took all the captives in prison and gave them into Joseph’s hand. God blessed Joseph in this process, and the warden saw success in doing this.

So there is a lot here. The Torah I am reading has this “spiritual vitamin:”

“I demand only according to their capacity” (numbers Rabbah). God, your Creator, declares in the Torah what He requests and demands of you, and He will not exceed your capacity. All that is needed is your firm determination to carry out God’s request.”

A good through going into the weekend. Especially with Hanukkah coming up Sunday night. The story of Hanukkah is all about the Maccabees living up to their potential with Hashem!

What are your thoughts today?