Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 26 Cheshvan, 5785

My thoughts today center around safety and comfort.  This from a few years ago is salient:

When our brains are used to trauma, safety feels uncomfortable. We have gotten so used to the trauma that the absence of that trauma feels like something is wrong.

Yesterday I wrote about how abundance brings chaos and conflict.  When we are used to trauma, and we receive abundance; feeling safe seems very uncomfortable.  In these moments – when we get a taste of safety, a taste of abundance, I wonder if we do things to sabotage it – to bring us back into place where we feel more comfortable – our trauma.

Digging these new wells – from a place of safety – may feel good at the beginning. Can we rest in the discomfort that comes without acting in a way from anxiety or trauma?

And? How do we support those around us who are navigating this? Because everything within us wants to fix it for them, doesn’t it?

And? We can’t fix it. We can just be. And that does not feel safe.

I was having a conversation with one of my kids yesterday/last night. We were hanging out and in their anxiety, they wanted to know how much time we had to hang out. I had explained I wanted to be in bed by 8:00pm.  We went about our evening, and we were having fun. There was an opportunity for her to attend an event that was going to push on her social anxiety – and she wanted to check it out. It became 6:30pm, and she was worried she wasn’t going to have enough time to enjoy it.  I asked her why?  She said it was because I had to be in bed by 8:00pm.

A discussion ensued that saying I want to be in bed by 8:00pm was more of an intent than a boundary. I explained she was worth staying up for.  She responded  “but I know it will disrupt your routine, and I don’t want to impact your day tomorrow!” I explained – “um, I am the adult – I can make the decision to stay up later to have fun with my kid, if I struggle tomorrow with a lack of sleep? That’s ok. You are worth it.”

She was parenting me. I had to explain we can have fun and just enjoy the moment. She said she was worried I would be mad at her for keeping her up. And? I had to acknowledge, the past versions of me? May have taken that tactic with her. I apologized for that, and explained I would not hold it against her. She wanted the fight instead of enjoying the peace between us.

Needless to say we had a really fun time both hanging out together, and to the point I was able to leave her at the event by herself and a friend.  We finished the evening with them navigating the anxiety of trying to pick something out at five below.

All in all, it was a fun journey into digging a well of peace but wanting more conflict because peace feels awkward and uncomfortable.

These are my thoughts. What about you?

Here are my thoughts from a year ago:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 2 Kislev, 5784
Parsha Toledot: (Genesis 25:19- 28:9)
Fourth Portion: Genesis 26:23 – 26:29

Good morning!  Reading today’s portion, and my past commentary, this passage I wrote a year ago REALLY stands out:

When our brains are used to trauma, safety feels uncomfortable. We have gotten so used to the trauma that the absence of that trauma feels like something is wrong.

Today’s passage is the aftermath of Isaac digging a well in safety.  In the last portion, we ended with this:

22And he moved away from there, and he dug another well, and they did not quarrel over it; so he named it Rehoboth, and he said, “For now the Lord has made room for us, and we will be fruitful in the land.”

Hashem is making room for us. We are safe. And that sometimes? Feels SUPER uncomfortable.  When we are used to surviving – we aren’t sure what peace looks like – and how to navigate it.

Let’s dig in:

23And he went up from there to Beer sheba.

24And the Lord appeared to him on that night and said, “I am the God of Abraham, your father. Fear not, for I am with you, and I will bless you and multiply your seed for the sake of Abraham, My servant.”

25And he built an altar there, and he called in the name of the Lord, and he pitched his tent there, and Isaac’s servants dug a well there.

Isaac was safe. There wasn’t quarreling.  And; Hashem knew. Isaac likely needed some reassurance. Don’t be afraid of the peace that comes from digging a well in Rehoboth. For the sake of your dad, I will bless you.

I’ll confess – it’s been a few years of just trying to survive in many ways. I am making good decisions in the wilderness. And I am coming to the edge of peace. There have been moments. I have discovered family. I have discovered healthy independence while maintaining meaningful relationships. I have recognized my trauma and the impact it has in each moment. I am learning. And at times – I have safety.

What I do with that safety? Sometimes I look for a fight. Because that feels natural. Peace feels strange. Like I’ve done something wrong.

Yet Hashem reassures us when peace comes. And. We don’t have to LOOK for a fight.  It will come to us as we discover:

26And Abimelech went to him from Gerar, and a group of his companions and Pichol, his general.

27And Isaac said to them, “Why have you come to me, since you hate me, and you sent me away from you?”

And. Spoiler alert – this is NOT what it seems.  Isaac was curious. The first thing he asks Abimelech? Why?  Isaac could have fought right away with Abimelech.  He just wanted peace.  Hashem has blessed him. And. Here comes the fight.

Why?

Isaac was curious. What is happening here? And instead of fighting with Abimelech – he gave him a chance to respond:

28And they said, “We have seen that the Lord was with you; so we said: Let there now be an oath between us, between ourselves and you, and let us form a covenant with you.

29If you do [not] harm us, as we have not touched you, and as we have done with you only good, and we sent you away in peace, [so do] you now, blessed of the Lord.”

We’ve discussed multiple times. “The Path of Ascension begins with curiosity and not judgement.”  Isaac was curious. And Abimelech answered. Abimelech was scared of Isaac’s power. Isaac likely wasn’t even AWARE of the power he had. Isaac was curious. Abimelech asked for a covenant of peace with Isaac.

What happens next? We will have to wait until tomorrow!  But as the light of Kislev continues to bloom each day towards the Festival of Lights on Hanukah?  We need to remain curious. Breathe.

Our takeaway? Are we looking to fight? Or are we desiring peace? Does peace feel comfortable? Or have we been fighting for so long for survival that peace seems daunting and scary.

And? I’d argue; this is how we end up in Egypt. We become a slave to the conflict. The survival. The battle.

Be curious. Don’t judge.

Those are my thoughts. What about yours?