Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 26 Kislev, 5785

Good morning! Tonight is the second day of Hanukkah!  My our lights continue to grow with those around us. Today, we have the return of the family of Jacob. They are all reunited.

There is a returning this Hanukkah. And its a return to fear.

The first light of the first night of Hanukkah is that “anger is safe.”

On this second night, we are confronted with the light of fear.  Are we afraid more for ourselves, or for others? This is a great metric for us to reflect on.

Am I holding onto my OWN fears? Or am I more anxious for the fear of OTHERS?

Anger is connected to clarity.

Fear is connected to the unknown. It would seem we are working a bit backwards here, no?

The flow of anger comes from the east – where the sun rises. The light of Hanukkah is rising – we are in the second day.  The water is flowing towards anger within us. And the fear is clarity. We are more afraid of clarity.

Think about this. When we go to the doctor – and we get labwork done, or testing – there is an element of fear there, no? Like we are afraid of what the test may (or may not) tell us.  The test is not what makes us sick – it gives CLARITY to the problem. We are AFRAID of clarity because it creates a reality and possibly crashes the reality we have built up in our heads for our future (or our past).

So the light of anger is safe.

The light of clarity and the fear connected with clarity is safe.

What are your thoughts?

Here are my thoughts from last year:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 3 Tevet, 5784
Parsha Mikketz (Genesis 41:1 -44:17)
Sixth Portion: Genesis 43:16 – 43:29

Good morning! Today is the LAST day of Hanukkah – as the sun begins to rise here on the east coast and the darkness of the new moon the past week begins to lift – we begin to move forward with light being revealed.

Light is neither “good” or “bad” and I think that is important to recognize. Light brings clarity. Clarity can bring peace or anger. If we get clarity that things we believe were going to work out a certain way, and our expectations are not going to be met? That can lead to anger. Tibetan Tantra connects this beautifully.

In the book, “Rainbow of Liberated Energy” author Ngakpa Chogyam connects this idea.  In Tantra, the element water – that flows is connected to the color white. Obviously – white also connects with light. This is not the light that comes from the fire of candles (which is more connected to discriminating wisdom, compassion, and pure appropriateness) it is the light that comes from the flow of water.

Water is connected with Clarity; Mirror-Wisdom, Penetrating Insight.  It faces East, and generally comes in the winter.  The time connected is Dawn/Sunrise.

When this energy gets distorted, it brings anger, aggression, hatred, violence.  Because when we get clarity, it puts us in touch with things we’ve resisted and must now face. This is mostly due to fear.

The question for us as we leave the light of Hanukkah, and more clarity arises; what will our emotional reaction be? Will we accept the clarity given to us? Or will we reject it and try to fight it? Will clarity bring peace or will it bring anger?

And this connects to our Torah portion today. Because things hidden are about to be revealed. We left off yesterday with Jacob finally allowing his children to go to Egypt. And we ended with them standing in front of Joseph.  Let’s dig in:

16[When] Joseph saw Benjamin with them, he said to the overseer of his house, “Bring the men into the house and [give orders] to slaughter an animal and to prepare, for the men will eat with me at lunch.”

17And the man did as Joseph had said, and the man brought the men into Joseph’s house.

For those of us unfamiliar with Judaism – this is an important passage.  Joseph saw that Benjamin was with them. And Joseph wanted to reassure the men – he was going to share a meal – and the sons of Jacob were going to see how it was prepared so they could eat in peace. 

However, the brothers couldn’t see this move as anything but threatening because of their continued guilt. Even though they did NOTHING wrong.  Because this wasn’t guilt connected to what they did to Joseph. Remember last time – they had wrestled with their situation because of that?  That seems to have been dealt with. They were now afraid of something different:

18Now the men were frightened because they had been brought into Joseph’s house, and they said, “On account of the money that came back in our sacks at first, we are brought, to roll upon us and to fall upon us and to take us as slaves and our donkeys [as well].”

19So they drew near the man who was over Joseph’s house, and they spoke to him at the entrance of the house.

20And they said, “Please, my lord, we came down at first to purchase food.

21And it came to pass when we came to the lodging place that we opened our sacks, and behold! each man’s money was in the mouth of his sack, our money in full weight; and we returned it in our hand[s].

22And we brought down other money in our hand[s] to purchase food. We do not know who put our money into our sacks.”

They did nothing wrong. They didn’t steal the money.  Yet, they knew how it looked to Egypt. They had “discriminating wisdom” they knew enough that although they did nothing wrong – they were wise enough to know how this could play out.  They were afraid of this coming to light and bringing clarity for the people in Egypt.  So they made a wise move.  They brought clarity to Egypt before clarity was brought for them.  They explained what happened to the man in Joseph’s house.

And here is how the man responded:

23And he said, “Peace to you; fear not. Your God and the God of your father gave you a treasure in your sacks; your money came to me.” And he brought Simeon out to them.

The man attributed it to God.  And. If they were paying attention here – the man said “the God of your father.” So the hint was there for the brothers – Joseph’s house knew of (their) God – Hashem.  The money they were afraid of; it was clearly Hashem’s gift.

My takeaway here.

What are some things we are afraid of – things we know we have not done – that we are worried we will be accused of? That we are afraid of? Might these be “gifts” from Hashem? Reminders that this may not be about us?

Because the odd line here is “your money came to me.”

The man basically said – the money God gave you – that you lived in fear over – wasn’t FOR you at all. It was for the man.

That money isn’t wealth. It doesn’t represent wealth. If it did, I would have expected the Torah to tell us “the man encouraged the brothers to keep the money.” But that is NOT what the Torah says. The fear we held onto wasn’t meant for us.

Whoa.

Sit with that.

What if? The fear we are holding onto isn’t meant for us?

I think about this as a parent. There are things I am afraid of for my kids. And. That isn’t my fear. ESPECIALLY as they get older. I talk to parents with older kids – in their 30s and 40s. Who have fear.  What if that fear isn’t for them?

What fear are we holding onto FOR someone else?

That is the question I take away from this passage. What fears are we holding onto that are not for us? In this next month, what clarity will come to help us release that fear? And how can that help us feel PEACE and not ANGER?

Ok – let’s keep going:

24Then the man brought the men (the brothers) into Joseph’s house, and he gave [them] water, and they washed their feet, and he gave fodder to their donkeys.

25And they prepared the gift until Joseph would come at lunchtime, for they heard that there they would eat bread.

It’s interesting here the brothers washed their feet. In a sense – all of the dirt that they had brought with them – it was going to be washed off moving into the next chapter of their lives. They were at peace. Let’s keep going:

26And Joseph came home, and they brought him the gift that was in their hand[s], into the house, and they prostrated themselves to him to the ground.

27He inquired after their welfare, and he said to them, “Is your elderly father, whom you mentioned, well? Is he still alive?”

28And they said, “Your servant, our father, is well; he is still alive.” And they bowed and prostrated themselves.

29And he lifted his eyes and saw Benjamin, his brother, the son of his mother, and he said, “Is this your little brother, whom you told me about?” And he said, “May God favor you, my son. “

Joseph comes home. And the portion ends with Joseph asking questions.

He asked about his dad. He asked about Benjamin. And. What I notice? Instead of being JEALOUS about Jacob protecting Benjamin? He blessed Benjamin. 

Why does the Torah use the word “son” here?  I am curious.  Was Joseph merely keeping up a rouse? Or is there something maybe deeper?

Let’s remember. Joseph and Benjamin came from the same mother – and she lived her life on the struggle bus. Their dad LOVED their mom more than the brothers’ other moms.  And yet, her life was more of a struggle.

Why does Joseph call Benjamin “my son?”

Purely speculation here.

Joseph had ascended in Egypt. He lived in the world outside of Israel. He had ascended in this world – while Benjamin lived with Israel.

Benjamin ends up becoming almost a spiritual “first born” of Joseph. Front of the line. And though I don’t remember – and we will explore this over the next months – I wonder if that will play out as we look at the Exodus – and the wandering in the wilderness – and the inheritance. Will Benjamin be first? Will he be last? These are all curious questions.

We know Joseph’s heritage from Egypt is that his name won’t be as prominent as his sons – Ephraim and Manasseh. Where will Benjamin fall as the “first born” of Joseph within Egypt?

Just something I am reflecting on – without much in terms of answers.  If you have thoughts? I’d love to hear them!