Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 3 Kislev, 5785

This morning I am feeling the need to dig deep into gratitude and gratefulness and worth. Looking at today’s portion, we are reflecting on Rebecca and Leah – and where their value and worth comes from.  We have also been exploring this idea of beauty, harmony and hospitality – all traits the month of Kislev is bringing to light.

And. The idea here comes down to this concept of “satisfaction.”

Does our idea (and beliefs) of beauty, harmony, hospitality, worth, and value bring us satisfaction with who we are in this moment?

It’s a simple yes or no question. And. It’s a continuum. And. Each moment, it shifts.

There could be a moment I feel this. I am satisfied with my definition of beauty, harmony, hospitality, worth and value in comparison to who I am in a moment. And? A minute (hour, day, week, month, year) later? I can be completely unsatisfied.

And.

I can be everywhere in between.

This is the internal struggle. Leah and Rebecca were competing externally with one another. Neither was satisfied.

This was the salient point I made:

“What we really want is a real relationship. We get stuck in the trial (worthy vs unworthy). We get obsessed with the external validation. What we REALLY want Is someone else to know our potential, to recognize it, and to see our best qualities. We also want others to help us out when we are not doing so well. To point out where We need to put more energy or put in more effort or ask for help.

The reason for this is because we do NOT believe internally that we have potential. We do not recognize our own potential or see our own best qualities. We don’t want to help ourselves out when we are not doing so well; we don’t feel valued to tell ourselves where we need to put more energy or effort. Or ask for help!”

Do I feel enough value to ask for help?

I am sitting with that concept.

Is my definition of beauty, harmony, hospitality, worth and value aligned with the idea of asking for help?

And? Is my definition of beauty, harmony, hospitality, worth and value  aligned with the idea of doing the work within myself to do my own work before JUMPING TO asking for help in others?

Really it comes down to this question:

Is my definition of beauty, harmony, hospitality, worth and value aligned with the idea of discerning from one moment to the next between when I have the willingness and abilities to look within myself for support, AND when I have the willingness and ability to ASK FOR support?

We want it to be all or nothing here. It would seem we are asked to make these decisions moment by moment. And it is not an easy decision.

Do I believe I am CAPABLE of discerning from one moment to the next where I need to go? Digging within myself or asking someone to hold space and support me? And? Can I trust my decision in one moment will not limit me from making a decision in the future? That I am free in each moment I arrive to – to make the decision to go within and do the work, or ask for support from those around me?

So this comes back to – where does my value and worth come from? Is it my bank account? Is it the number on the scale? Is it having someone in my life romantically?

What determines my worth? And? Does that align with beauty and harmony? And? Am I satisfied?

What are your thoughts?

Here are my thoughts from last year:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 9 Kislev, 5784
Parsha Vayeitzei (Genesis 28:10 – 32:3)
Fourth Portion: Genesis 30:14 – 30:27

Good morning – as we enter into this holiday season in America, we are focusing in on gratitude. Today’s portion (and if you read my commentary from the past two years) focused on worth.

I am reflecting on yesterday’s portion – what will we choose to work towards? What determines our worth? Tenderness? Beauty? Something else? Let’s dig in:

30:14: Reuben went in the days of the wheat harvest, and he found dudaim in the field and brought them to Leah, his mother, and Rachel said to Leah, “Now give me some of your son’s dudaim.”

15And she said to her, “Is it a small matter that you have taken my husband, that [you wish] also to take my son’s dudaim?” So Rachel said, “Therefore, he shall sleep with you tonight as payment for your son’s dudaim.”

Rachel and Leah have competing worth here. Rachel likes surface/material things. Her beauty was skin deep. She was unhappy with the love of Jacob in her life – that is not where her worth came from. She wanted dudaim (Jasmine flowers).

Leah was tender. And her worth came from tenderness. She wanted the tenderness of Jacob – and didn’t have it.

Here we have two women who did not feel fully worthy on their own. They needed something external to bring them value. And they make a trade.

At no point did either one feel satisfied with the situation as is.  They needed different circumstances to be happy.

How much do we struggle with this? Neither Rachel or Leah felt like they MATTERED. They were “seeking things they already had” (as I wrote two years ago). 

This is super salient from what I wrote two years ago:

“What we really want is a real relationship. We get stuck in the trial (worthy vs unworthy). We get obsessed with the external validation. What we REALLY want Is someone else to know our potential, to recognize it, and to see our best qualities. We also want others to help us out when we are not doing so well. To point out where We need to put more energy or put in more effort or ask for help.

The reason for this is because we do NOT believe internally that we have potential. We do not recognize our own potential or see our own best qualities. We don’t want to help ourselves out when we are not doing so well; we don’t feel valued to tell ourselves where we need to put more energy or effort. Or ask for help!”

So – I think I am realizing something. We struggle with our feelings and thoughts – especially when they do not line up. Coherence of thought/consciousness and heart? That is belief.

We do not believe.

I can THINK I have potential. I can THINK I have these REALLY good qualities within me.  I can RECOGNIZE these qualities. But I don’t feel it. I don’t truly accept it. I don’t BELIEVE it. I don’t BELIEVE internally I have potential at times. Because feelings come and go like the waves of a storm – my belief in myself wavers with these feelings.   My feelings argue with my thoughts about reality – “oh, you THINK you are trustworthy – but we don’t FEEL trustworthy!”

Sometimes I FEEL potential.  I FEEL expansive. I FEEL joy and peace about myself. But I do not THINK I have these qualities, because I don’t see the IMPACT externally. My consciousness argues – and convinces me my feelings are wrong.  “Oh, you feel TRUSTWORTHY! But you don’t THINK you are!”

This is the struggle. Getting our thoughts and feelings on the same page. And maybe THIS is what the Torah wants us to do within. AND. With Hashem? 

The crossroads we find ourselves with Jacob, Leah and Rachel may be this: Do we FEEL Hashem loves us and is tender with us? But we look and see ourselves as ugly so we don’t BELIEVE it?  Or do we look and see ourselves and think we are beautiful, but we don’t FEEL Hashem sees it the same way?

Do we BELIEVE Hashem loves us? Finds us worthy? Where our hearts and minds align? This may be the point here. One way will descend us into slavery – the other the path to spiritual liberation and freedom.

Ok let’s keep going:

16When Jacob came from the field in the evening, and Leah came forth toward him, and she said, “You shall come to me, because I have hired you with my son’s dudaim,” and he slept with her on that night.

17And God hearkened to Leah, and she conceived and bore Jacob a fifth son.

18And Leah said, “God has given [me] my reward for I have given my maidservant to my husband”; so she named him Issachar.

19And Leah conceived again, and she bore Jacob a sixth son.

20And Leah said, “God has given me a good portion. This time, my husband will live with me, for I have borne him six sons”; so she named him Zebulun.

So Leah had 6 naturally born sons. Leah had zero. Jacob’s other two wives – each has two. It would see at this time, Leah is communicating to us she is satisfied. She found her worth. As a mom. And – to put a period on it – she has a daughter.

21And afterwards, she bore a daughter, and she named her Dinah.

And – keeping in mind – the names Leah gave to her sons were all positive names. Names of gratitude. And then…

22And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and He opened her womb.

23And she conceived and bore a son, and she said, “God has taken away my reproach.”

24So she named him Joseph, saying, “May the Lord grant me yet another son!”

So Hashem remembered Rachel. And Rachel’s attitude? Give me more. That seems like a lack of gratitude to me.

Now. Joseph was a crucial son. Because his story is really what leads us to Egypt, right? Without Joseph – we don’t end up in Egypt. And if we don’t end up in Egypt, there is no Moses to leads us to freedom. So although Rachel struggled a lot, Hashem STILL blessed her.

And – for Jacob? He seems to come back into the picture satisfied:

25It came to pass when Rachel had borne Joseph, that Jacob said to Laban, “Send me away, and I will go to my place and to my land.

26Give [me] my wives and my children for whom I worked for you, and I will go, for you know my work, which I have worked for you.”

So – Jacob is ready to GO! He got a son from the woman he loved. That was where his value was. And although that son was going to lead the people into Egypt – he was also going to save the people too.

27And Laban said to him, “If only I have now found favor in your eyes! I have divined, and the Lord has blessed me for your sake.”

 We get a cliff hanger – don’t we? Laban divined (see commentary from two years ago on this verse) – and Laban acknowledged Jacob’s worth. 

What is the takeaway for us?

 For me it seems to come back to worth and value.  Independent of anyone else – where is my value coming from? What metrics do I use to determine my own value? How do others and their perceptions of these metrics impact how I see my own value?

So if you want homework, it would be – write out; “My value and worth comes from…” and just bullet point whatever comes to mind. Don’t over think it. Don’t over feel it. Just let it unfold and flow. There is no right or wrong answer – only the answer that we truly BELIEVE about ourselves. Where our consciousness and feelings align.  This is where we have to start.

Those are my thoughts – what are yours?