Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 4 Nisan, 5784
Parsha Tazria’ – “Conceives”: (Leviticus 12:1 – 13:59)
Sixth Portion: Leviticus 13:40 – 13:54

Good morning! Today begins my 52^nd year (according to the sun and the Gregorian calendar).  What a start it has been as I have been able to spend time with family, and I am heading home today.  The journey these past four years has been so incredible as I have been “coming home” in so many ways!  Today is such an extension of that.  The Torah has provided the directions “home” for me in such clarity and purpose!  May these words help all of us continue our journey “home.”

Let’s dig in!

40If a man loses the hair on [the back of] his head, he is bald. He is clean.

Sit with that. Baldness. Clean.

How does our society fight baldness. I will confess I deal with my own shame about my hair loss. I see pictures of me from behind and cringe. And here the Torah basically says – NOPE – you don’t need to cringe. You are CLEAN.

41And if he loses his hair on the side toward his face, he is bald at the front. He is clean.

SO not just bald spots in the back. Full baldness. Clean. Not ugly.

42If there is a reddish white lesion on the back or front bald area, it is a spreading tzara’ath in his back or front bald area.

43So the kohen shall look at it. And, behold! there is a reddish white se’eith lesion on his back or front bald area, like the appearance of tzara’ath on the skin of the flesh,

44He is a man afflicted with tzara’ath; he is unclean. The kohen shall surely pronounce him unclean; his lesion is on his head.

Being bald also shows us if/when we have imperfections to look at.  It exposes us – we are not covered with the hair.

I come back to what I wrote a year ago.

My big takeaway as I read it this year is around shame. “So often we want to keep our impurities and misfortunes to ourselves. Out of Shame. The Torah tells us to share it.”

We don’t talk about shame a lot. Brene Brown has done amazing work opening up venues for discussion around guilt and shame. I have discovered in my own life, the repressed guilt and shame festers inside of me. And – it is one of the major causes (for me) to deceive myself and others. Because I want to keep this hidden from myself, because I am too afraid to face it, I in turn find ways to hide it from others. Deceit is one major way that happens.

Self-deceit is the root. I repress and deceive myself to my own reality. As my eyes are opened, and I can look upon my own guilt and shame without malevolence towards myself. Without regret. Without judgment. But instead get curious about it. Bring compassion to it. Kindness. That will in turn begin to heal it.

And. This is not to say we shouldn’t feel guilty about how we’ve hurt others. What this IS to say is that the choices I have made in the past are over. I have no control anymore of those choices. Just the ones I make now. In this moment.

I can choose to ask for forgiveness of myself in this moment. Once I have forgiven myself (i think – this is a working theory here), I then can ask others to forgive me. Someone else’s forgiveness of my actions won’t heal the internalized guilt and shame. At least not based on anything I have experienced. I may be wrong on this. I am open to others thinking and feelings on the matter.

If I feel shame. And someone says “I forgive you.” I know I hold onto the shame. Because I haven’t forgiven myself.

Shame. Guilt. Letting it go. The Solar Eclipse is all about starting a process of letting go of our guilt and shame.  And how do we do this?

45And the person with tzara’ath, in whom there is the lesion, his garments shall be torn, his head shall be unshorn, he shall cover himself down to his mustache and call out, “Unclean! Unclean!”

46All the days the lesion is upon him, he shall remain unclean. He is unclean; he shall dwell isolated; his dwelling shall be outside the camp.

We share our guilt and shame with others.

Full stop.

We’ve gotten it wrong as a society.  We cover up our guilt and shame. And think about it. From the beginning. From Adam and Chava. They ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. And Hashem had them cover it up. That was the result of their mistake. Of their resistance to the guidance.

The rest of the Torah? It’s about grieving this. And how we do this? Unpacking our guilt and shame with others.

What do we do with our guilt and shame? Cover it? Hide it? Lie about it?

No. We expose it to those we can trust with it.

This BEGS the question.

“Am I someone that people feel safe exposing their guilt and shame with?”

Just sit with that question.

That is the question we must ask ourselves on this journey.

And.

“What do I do when someone shares their guilt and shame with me?”

Do I expose it to OTHERS? Or do I hold the space SAFELY for those to unpack their shame and guilt with?

And. Am I safe unpacking my OWN Shame and Guilt with myself?

That’s the beginning of safety.

Because others’ guilt and shame likely triggers our OWN guilt and shame, and we REACT to that instead of feeling solid and safe with it.

This is big.

47[And as for] the garment that has the lesion of tzara’ath upon it, on a woolen garment, or on a linen garment,

48or on [threads prepared for the] warp or the woof of linen or of wool, or on leather or on anything made from leather.

49If the lesion on the garment, the leather, the warp or woof [threads] or on any leather article, is deep green or deep red, it is a lesion of tzara’ath, and it shall be shown to the kohen.

50The kohen shall look at the lesion, and he shall quarantine [the article with] the lesion for seven days.

51And he shall look at the lesion on the seventh day. [If] the lesion has spread on the garment, or on the warp or woof [threads], or on the leather or on any article made from leather, the lesion is a malignant tzara’ath; it is unclean.

52And he shall burn the garment, the warp or woof [threads] of wool or of linen, or any leather article which has the lesion upon it, for it is a malignant tzara’ath ; it shall be burned in fire.

53But if the kohen looks, and, behold! the lesion has not spread on the garment, the warp or woof [threads], or any leather article,

54the kohen shall order, and they shall wash what the lesion is upon, and he shall quarantine it again for seven days.

Because it’s not just about us. It’s about our bodies. Our garments. The Torah wants us to expose AND heal our guilt and shame. This is the Genesis of our collective wound and trauma. We make a mistake, we feel guilt and shame, and we cover it up. And we cover it up. And we cover it up.

Until? Like Pharoah? Our hearts get hardened.

Hashem hardened Pharoah’s heart to show us. For our benefit. To navigate our guilt and shame.

And to close. As Jews? We understand this from the Holocaust. One of the things growing up Jewish was our relationship and connection to Germany.  I had family that would not OWN a German car because of the Holocaust.

And. We can see HOW Germany dealt with (and continues to deal with) their collective shame over the Holocaust.  They don’t run from it. They engage with it. Set up reminders about it. To show they will NEVER forget.

And yes, there may be some Germans who WANT to forget and WANT to cover up their shame.

And in America? How have we navigated OUR shame? The shame of Slavery. Of Japanese Internment?

We cover it up COLLECTIVELY.  There are likely as many Germans who want to FORGET the Holocaust as Americans who want to REMEMBER slavery.

That is not objected data. It’s just a feeling. Take that as you will.

But our purpose here? To experience grief. To experience guilt and shame. And to heal.

Because our souls? Can’t experience this without our bodies.

And THIS is my thoughts on the ENTIRE Torah and Today’s portion all at the same time.

What are your thoughts?

Here are my thoughts from the past two years:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 27 Nisan, 5783.

The 12th Day of the Omer. Today is ALSO the last day of the 51st year of my life (according to the Hebrew Calendar) as at sundown tonight, I will begin my 52nd year. Again, how we measure time is so interesting. Especially given that we are currently compelled to measure time via the Omer these weeks.

Today’s theme is “Chod of Gevurah” or Humility of Discipline (or judgment)

From Chabad on the 12th day of the Omer:

The results of discipline and might without humility are obvious. The greatest catastrophes have occurred as a result of people sitting in arrogant judgement of others. Am I arrogant in the name of justice (what I consider as just)? Do I ever think that I sit on a higher pedestal and bestow judgement on my subjects below? What about my children? Students?

A judge has to be the most humble of creatures, recognizing that he sits in judgement not by his own merit but only because G‑d gave the right to judge His children.

Exercise for the day: Don’t judge anyone unless you are doing so selflessly with no personal bias.

This is excellent to take with us as we move into our day!

Let’s dig into the portion.

My big takeaway as I read it this year is around shame. “So often we want to keep our impurities and misfortunes to ourselves. Out of Shame. The Torah tells us to share it.”

We don’t talk about shame a lot. Brene Brown has done amazing work opening up venues for discussion around guilt and shame. I have discovered in my own life, the repressed guilt and shame festers inside of me. And – it is one of the major causes (for me) to deceive myself and others. Because I want to keep this hidden from myself, because I am too afraid to face it, I in turn find ways to hide it from others. Deceit is one major way that happens.

Self-deceit is the root. I repress and deceive myself to my own reality. As my eyes are opened, and I can look upon my own guilt and shame without malevolence towards myself. Without regret. Without judgment. But instead get curious about it. Bring compassion to it. Kindness. That will in turn begin to heal it.

And. This is not to say we shouldn’t feel guilty about how we’ve hurt others. What this IS to say is that the choices I have made in the past are over. I have no control anymore of those choices. Just the ones I make now. In this moment.

I can choose to ask for forgiveness of myself in this moment. Once I have forgiven myself (i think – this is a working theory here), I then can ask others to forgive me. Someone else’s forgiveness of my actions won’t heal the internalized guilt and shame. At least not based on anything I have experienced. I may be wrong on this. I am open to others thinking and feelings on the matter.

If I feel shame. And someone says “I forgive you.” I know I hold onto the shame. Because I haven’t forgiven myself.

It all starts within. Once I forgive myself. And I let go of guilt and shame. Then when someone forgives me? Our relationship can be fully restored. Until then, it’s just going to continue to be one sided.

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 29 Adar II, 5782

Today is the last day of the month of Adar; hopefully Mazal has reigned supreme in your life these past two months!

Let’s dig in;

The Torah is now going to bless baldness!

We start todays portion; if a man loses hair on the back of his head, he is bald, he is ritually pure!!!

Likewise if he loses his hair on the front of his head, he is bald and his is ritually pure.

Nachmanides writes this was to establish that losing hair was not a sign of Tzara’at – it was natural baldness. That is a critical piece to remember.

Now, if a bald person develops a streaked red and white lesion on the back or front bald spot, the priest should examine it. If it’s there, and it looks like Tzara’at – then the priest should declare the person spiritually impure.

So now we’ve established all the the ways a priest determines a Tzara’at. The question is how were people dealt with who HAD it.

The Torah continues:

• The garments of the person should be torn
• His hair should be grown long
• He should wear a cloak down to his mustache like a mourner
• He should call out “I’m ritually impure!”

Let’s stop. This seems really harsh.

But Maimonides and the Talmud remind us;

An impure person has to make the public aware of their impurity in order for the public to know the person could negatively impact them. AND; by sharing our misfortunes (and maladies) with others, we have the added benefit of other people praying for our well being.

So often we want to keep our impurities and misfortunes to ourselves. Out of shame. The Torah tells us to share it.

This concludes learning what happens when our bodies develop a lesion.

The portion today closes with what happens if a garment develops a lesion. Yes; it’s not just people. Garments become struck with Tzara’at. Consider it like mildew or mold.

The process is very similar – the person shows the priest the garment – the priest examines it, and the garment is quarantined for 7 days.

After 7 days if the lesion has spread its a “piercing Tzara’at” and the garment needs to be burned.

If it doesn’t spread, then it should be cleaned and quarantined for another 7 days.

This is where the portion ends.

When we think of clothing or garments, there is a literal translation; but we can also picture a garment like our attitudes – we can put on an attitude – we wear our attitudes about what is happening – that we have no control of (we wear literal garments to protect us from the weather and elements we have no control over). If our attitude has a lesion, we have the opportunity to clean it and see if it spreads.

Just something I’m reflecting on. What are your thoughts?