Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 5 Elul, 5783

A lot to cover in today’s portion!  And as I develop my thoughts, what is coming to light is today’s passage continues the journey of exploring relationships.  Friendships, romantic relationships, etc.

And we start with…..the EGO!!!

If you read last year’s commentary, Moses begins today’s portion regarding building a new house and putting a guardrail on the roof.

I am seeing that this may be symbolic of a relationship with friends, loved ones, children.  I liken the development of a new friendship, or a new relationship with a child like building a house we live in.

The rabbis and Kabbalah seem to indicate the roof relates to the ego; which in a relationship would seem to be the place relationships struggle.  As we are spiritually liberated and enter into relationships with others? The guardrail needs to be build so we don’t shed the blood of others who get to know us (and our egos).  How can we build this guardrail?

By being conscious of our own ego.  By remembering how our ego creates a future reality that may or may not be real.  Our ego defines our past in ways that may or may not be real.  Both working to “protect” our own egos – building a strong roof – but then not building guardrails for when others come to visit.

So starting with the ego?  Both parties in a healthy relationship (I think – or rather I am exploring the idea that) need to be conscious of their own egos, and working to protect the other person from “falling off” the roof of their ego.  That’s the first part of a healthy relationship.  Ego.  Dealing with our own EGO.

Just a thought.

Step 2 in healthy relationships – compatibility.  

Once we are aware of our own ego and protecting others?  The Torah moves to discuss the mixing of animals – we have within us (according to Kabbalah) – the animal soul.  I’m wondering if that animal looks different for each of us?  And the idea of being in relationship with someone else?  Maybe we need to ensure our animal souls are aligned?   The message I read from last year’s commentary and the Torah is that the purpose of being aligned with our animal souls is the concept of preventing the causing of pain.  When we enter into a relationship – we don’t desire (at least most of us don’t) to cause the person pain.  And yet, we do.  Maybe it’s because we don’t look at our animal soul and instincts within us, and what it needs.  And we are in relationship with someone who creates more of that need?  So we shouldn’t mix different animals together.

The Torah also talks about clothing and mixing linen and wool.  I wonder if this is about our bodies? Because our bodies are often referred to as clothing to our souls.  Maybe the idea is there needs to be compatibility and alignment physically.

So we have:

First – deal with our own ego

Second – choose friends and partners that are aligned.

Next, we move to the part about marriage – and instead of thinking about someone external, I think about the energies within me.

Step 3 in healthy relationships – balance and harmony WITHIN

If our internal masculine HATES our internal feminine? That is a no win situation as I discussed last year.  I think this is the source of a lot of toxic masculinity.  Because Within me, as I “know” my internal feminine and internal masculine? I am falling in love with them both.  But if that weren’t the case? I think it would not work – and I would likely have to kill off one or both of them.  And I see a lot of men who have killed off their internal feminine.  And honestly? A lot of women who have killed off their internal masculine.  In response, we have to step in and take the place externally of what we’ve killed off inside of us to give us fulfillment, haven’t we?

So three steps for a healthy relationship:

1. Deal with our own ego.
2. Find a compatible person
3. Find harmony within. Balance.

Thoughts?

Here is my commentary from a year ago:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 10 Elul, 5782

Good morning! I hope you all had a nice weekend with the extra day! And for those of us starting school this week, may it be a smooth transition!

lets dig in!

Today’s portion begins with building a new house, making a guardrail for your roof and making sure blood is not spilled in your house from someone falling from your roof.

Rabbi Isaiah Horowitz connects this to our ego:

“A roof, being the highest part of any structure, alludes to the ego, which gives you an elevated impression of yourself. In order to prevent you from “falling off your roof” allowing your feelings of overstated self-esteem to degenerate into selfishness, you are warned to “make a guardrail for your roof” – to carefully control and temper the ego with “guardrails”

Kabbalah goes even further:

The metaphysical universe is, essentially, a three-story construction: the worlds of Asiyyah (action), Yetzirah (formation), and Beriah (creation). Above this is the realm of God’s immediate light, the world of Atzilut (emanation).

According to the Kabbalah, we must construct a “guardrail” on the “roof” of this three-story metaphysical building to prevent the lights of Atzilut from “falling down” and “dying”

How does a spiritual light die?

It’s rather like a brilliant idea which you try to convey to others but, when words elude you, people glare at you stony-faced. What happened was you “killed” the idea by letting it “fall down” too fast. It needed a guardrail to hold it back until it could descend gracefully, articulately and compellingly.

Don’t let your bright ideas “fall” and “die.”  Hold back your brilliance until you have found a way to communicate it effectively. (end quote)

These are some interesting concepts to consider on our journey from slavery to liberation. That internally we must do the work to create guardrails for our ego.

Ok. Let’s keep going.

Moses tells the people not to mix seeds in a field. Not to play with an ox and donkey together, wear wool and linen together.

Then – we are reminded of the commandment to wear tzitzit.

A lot is written about the mixing of animals:

This is to prevent causing pain to animals. Since the donkey is considerably weaker than the ox, it would have to exert itself far more in order to keep up, therefore it is forbidden to have both kinds plow together (Rabbi Abraham ibn Ezra, 12th century).

The ox chews its cud while the donkey does not. If they were bound together, it would seem to the donkey as though the ox is constantly being fed while she receives nothing, causing her undue distress (Rabbl Asher b. Jehiel, 13-14th century).

Generally, animals prefer to cling to their own kind. Bringing different animals together and having them work together in tandem would

cause them much anxiety, just as it would be wrong to have people with conflicting personalities work together on a project, as this would lead to much frustration (Rabbi Aaron ha-Levi (Hinnukh), 13th century).

Plowing with an ox and a donkey together is forbidden because it would lead to the further prohibition of crossbreeding species (Leviticus 19:19). The farmer will house the ox and the donkey together, and they will breed with each other (Nahmanides, 13th century).

Some interesting insights!

Ok. Controversy alert. We are going to dig into the relationship between a man and a woman who are married.  There are going to be things we don’t like here.

Moses starts by saying that if a man takes a wife and is intimate with her and hates her, and he makes scandalous accusations against her and defames her name, mostly around the concept of virginity (but I wonder if that is just an example), the woman’s parents should take proof of the issue (proof of her virginity) and go to the elders at the city gates.

The father should confront the elders about the scandalous accusations – and provide evidence.

If it’s true, and the man made up the accusations? The elders should take the man and reprimand him with lashes. He should pay the woman’s father. And…

She should remain as his wife. He may not send her away.

However, if the words of the husband were true – and the girl was not a virgin, she should die because she committed adultery in her father’s house.

I’m reflecting on a few things here.

One; the idea that in a marriage, the woman had sex with her husband on their wedding night in her father’s house to prove she was a virgin.

Two; what about women who were without parents?

Three; what if there are other issues; maybe the husband (or wife) made scandalous claims in other ways? What then?

My takeaway here is not to lie about a situation.

Also. Marriage is sacred – that the husband and wife were to remain married after this?

Also. That seems harsh punishment for the woman. So basically, my options as a woman are to EITHER be stoned to death or remain married to an asshole? No thanks. It would seem marriage (especially arranged marriages) would be extremely problematic and concerning.

Just sayin.

We go further now. A man laying with a married woman? Both must die.

A man taking a betrothed woman and lies with her? Both must die; because the dude took another’s wife, and the woman didn’t resist. She didn’t cry out for help. (Psst- this means it was consensual)

Because if the dude overpowered her against her will? Only the dude dies. So. The punishment for rape? Death. Maybe that’s part of our problem in our society today. Death penalty for rape? Interesting thought.

If a woman is not betrothed and a man takes her and they are found – the two are married.

We are now into who shouldn’t be getting married:

A man shouldn’t marry his fathers wife.

A man shouldn’t even take off the clothes of a woman destined for his father in a Levirate marriage.

A dude with damaged testicles or a severed phallus shouldn’t marry a Jewish woman or even enter the congregation of God.

A mamzer (a dude born to parents who violated Jewish law by being married) should not enter the congregation of God – their entire bloodline may not enter the congregation of God.

Finally Moses brings us back to the story of the Moabites and Ammonites. A Moabite or Ammonite may not marry a Jewish woman and enter the congregation of Hashem. This is because of what happened in the story we read about Balaam.

This is a lot today about marriages and betrothals. What are your thoughts?