Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 8 Elul, 5783

Greetings! As we enter into the second week of Elul, and work towards the end of this week’s Parsha – something new I learned yesterday that my Torahmate taught me.  The passage in today’s portion about taking a wife and not going to war and staying home to “make her happy?”

Spoiler alert – that was about REMARRIAGE.  The word is actually connected to “new” wife, and immediately follows the passages regarding divorce.  I had never put those together before.

And as I am reflecting on this there is some semblance of sense to it, right?  Like inherently we know this.  We know second marriages fail and a much more significant rate than first marriages. I wonder if this is connected somehow?  Like it is designed that if we find ourselves in a situation to marry a second time, the PRIORITY needs to be on the relationship between the two people – and not rely on the commitment (the marriage itself) to sustain the relationship.

We conclude this passage of the miracle of what Hashem did with Miriam.  Hashem rebuked Miriam – gave her a disease.  And at the same time – healed her.

I am thinking about how this connects to marriage and relationships.  Because it ABSOLUTELY was connected to marriage – because Miriam was criticizing who Moses married.

I am purely wondering out loud: I wonder if the “disease” of divorce can heal into a new marriage – provided the new relationship is the priority.

I also wonder if divorce comes because couples rely too heavily on the “commitment” of marriage to see their relationships through?  And maybe “we are married so you are obligated to stay” isn’t enough to sustain the marriage?  “Till death do us part” as a vow? Maybe not the healthiest thing when it comes to marriage.  Maybe that creates a wound?

And – now that I think about this more? Maybe it creates an abandonment wound? Or triggers an OLD abandonment wound? Like “we had an AGREEMENT!” and “IT WAS LEGAL!” And you left?

What Moses may be telling us here – don’t criticize – don’t dwell.  Look ahead.  The marriage isn’t the thing to relate to – it’s our spouse.  Spending time to build a foundation in a second marriage that is GROUNDED in relating to one another?  That is the foundation that will keep a second marriage thriving.  Maybe?  Again, I am speculating – but I am curious to your thoughts here!

Here is my commentary from a year ago…

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for Elul 13, 5782

Good morning! As we engage with the full moon this weekend, may our light shine as bright as the moon does on a clear night! We can’t always control the clouds over certain parts of the earth; even over our heads; but we can trust, like the moon, we will shine to those who have no clouds over their heads! Likewise, if we are in a process where we are shining, our own personal clouds may dissipate so the light of other moons can inspire and connect with us!!!

Let’s dig in:

Moses now moves us towards new marriage. New connections. New romance! And the Torah is pretty interesting here; when a man takes a new wife, he must not go to war in the army; and no military duty may be imposed on him. He must remain FREE for his own house for a year; and make his wife who he has taken happy.

So the husband’s job in his new marriage is to make his wife happy. Now. There are some thoughts with this:

If a husband marries a woman who isn’t happy to begin with, the road is difficult for a husband to inspire his wife’s happiness. I really believe no one can “make” someone happy without first looking within. We can see this passage from an internal perspective. Our inner divine masculine working with our inner divine feminine to love and live in harmony. Our jobs; our purpose; is to make OURSELVES happy first; and from that inner harmony flows the stuff to co-create happiness with another – who desires to co-create happiness. If one person is the creator; and the other is the creation in a relationship, that is not going to work over the long haul. The goal is for the first year to find that artist within; and work to create with another artist a BEAUTIFUL relationship of harmony; built on truth, love, compassion, empathy, strength, surrender, and a foundation of these elements within each human who is connecting.

Just some thoughts.

Let’s keep going:

In collecting debts, one may not take things like a millstone for security because that is a life sustaining thing for someone else. Our debts and collecting debts should not impact someone’s livelihood.

And the next section is super interesting given our history in the Torah: Moses tells us; if anyone kidnaps a brother (the children of Israel) and treats him as a slave and sells him? The kidnapper must die.

That is interesting given how the Jews ended up slaves in Egypt. If this law existed before Egypt, then the entire nation of Israel would have been wiped out from the start because Jacob’s sons sold Joseph into slavery. Only Joseph would have survived.

Something to chew on. Often I hear people say “God never changes.” Yet here is an example in how God may never change, but how he engages US might change. His relationship with us does seem to change; even within the Torah.

Next Moses moves onto the Tzerarat lesions. We are told “do not interfere with them” and to listen to the priests. How difficult would it be if we develop these lesions? I’d want them gone as quickly as I could. I might consult people other than the priests to see if they could be removed. Yet Moses tells us not to do that.

And he tells us why. Moses tells us to remember what God did to Miriam in Egypt. And when we remember, I take from this two perspectives.

Remember what God did to Miriam May be a warning. “If you question the leadership, you will be stricken with lesions.”

And “Remember what God did to Miriam” May also be encouraging. “Remember how quickly God removed the lesions.”

How often do we remember what God did to Miriam with one of those two realities? But not both.

It’s all a matter of perspective. God healed Miriam. He can heal us. The story of Miriam is deep. It’s not just a cosmic hammer of judgment type warning. The next time (In a few minutes) when I am finishing davening, when I remember this, my perspective is going to shift.

Next is looking and debtors and collectors. Moses clearly tells us in the Torah; if you hold Debt against a fellow, we shouldn’t go into his house to take property as security. We must stand outside and the man whom we are lending should bring the security to us outside.

Likewise, if they are poor, we may not go to sleep while holding his security. You must return the security to him by sunset so he can go to sleep in his garment. Doing so means he will bless us, and even if he doesn’t? The Torah tells us it will be a “righteous act before God.”

There you have it. Some great nuggets of wisdom today! What are your thoughts?