Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 7 Elul, 5784
Parsha Ki Tetze’– “If you go out”: (Deuteronomy 21:10 – 25:19)
Third Portion: Deuteronomy 22:8 – 23:7
Good morning! As we begin our journey to the full moon of Elul – which is a little over a week away – it is the full light of the final moon of 5784, and a perfect climax for the year we’ve navigated together.
This is the spirit to bring into our Torah portion of the day:
8When you build a new house, you shall make a guard rail for your roof, so that you shall not cause blood [to be spilled] in your house, that the one who falls should fall from it [the roof].
I love what has been written about this over the past two years. The idea of restraint is one we struggle with as a society. Holding back feels constricting – and? It may lead to expansion. This is one of the beautiful quotes that is still resonating:
Don’t let your bright ideas “fall” and “die.” Hold back your brilliance until you have found a way to communicate it effectively.
I struggle to “hold back” my brilliance due to fear. I am afraid I will miss a moment if I don’t share it when it comes. This fear? It’s not trusting my future self to wrestle with it more, fully develop it until it can be released effectively into the world.
9You shall not sow your vineyard [together with] a mixed variety of species, lest the increase, even the seed that you sow and the yield of the vineyard [both] become forbidden.
10You shall not plow with an ox and a donkey together.
11You shall not wear a mixture of wool and linen together.
We then get three “you shall not” related to “mixing.” The idea of harmony is crucial within the Torah. Alignment. Where are we not aligned?
12You shall make yourself twisted threads, on the four corners of your garment with which you cover yourself.
This is the message of the Torah to make Tzitzit on the corners of our garments. It is a beautiful reminder to “do good.” Because regardless of what our circumstances are – we can always be free to choose to “do good.”
13If a man takes a wife, is intimate with her and despises her,
14and he makes libelous charges against her and gives her a bad name, saying, “I took this woman, and when I came to her, I did not find any evidence of virginity for her.”
15Then the girl’s father and her mother shall obtain evidence of the girl’s virginity, and take it out to the elders of the city, to the gate.
16And the girl’s father shall say to the elders, “I gave my daughter to this man as a wife, and he despised her;
17And behold, he made libelous charges, saying, ‘I did not find evidence of your daughter’s virginity.’ But this is the evidence of my daughter’s virginity!’ And they shall spread the garment before the elders of the city.
18Then, the elders of that city shall take the man and chasten him.
19And they shall fine him one hundred [shekels of] silver because he defamed a virgin of Israel, and he should give it to the girl’s father. And she shall be his wife; he shall not send her away all the days of his life.
I have struggled with this passage for the past three years. I have done mental gymnastics around it. Trying to make it work within the context of our current values.
The only takeaway that makes sense to me? Reputation. At the end of the day, verses 13-19? About the woman’s reputation.
And the consequence here? Having the man remain the wife of a woman whose reputation he falsely ruined? That seems like a fitting consequence.
And? I reflect on this within. How much do we accuse OURSELVES falsely in order to dissociate from our trauma?
20But if this matter was true: [indeed,] no evidence of the girl’s virginity was found.
21they shall take the girl out to the entrance of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall pelt her with stones, and she shall die, for she did a disgraceful thing in Israel, to commit adultery [in] her father’s house. So shall you clear away the evil from among you.
I am reflecting on how virginity – connects to trauma. It is a sense of body trauma. Because the first time a woman has sex? Her body likely sheds blood.
I am still wrestling with this idea of trauma – falsely accusing ourselves to navigate trauma, and letting go of the trauma so we can heal and move forward. I’m curious if any of you have thoughts.
22If a man is found lying with a married woman, even both of them shall die the man lying with the woman and the woman. So shall you clear away the evil from Israel.
23If there is a virgin girl betrothed to a man, and [another] man finds her in the city, and lies with her,
24you shall take them both out to the gate of that city, and you shall pelt them with stones, and they shall die: the girl, because she did not cry out [even though she was] in the city, and the man, because he violated his neighbor’s wife. So shall you clear away the evil from among you.
So a dude (married or unmarried presumably) has consensual relations with a woman who has committed to another dude? Both of them die.
25But if a man finds the betrothed girl in the field, and the man overpowers her and lies with her, then only the man who lay with her shall die.
26Whereas to the girl, you shall do nothing the girl did not commit a sin deserving of death, for just as a man rises up against his fellow and murders him, so is this case.
27Because he found her in the field. The betrothed girl had cried out, but there was no one to save her.
However, if a dude rapes a woman and it was NOT consensual? He dies.
28If a man finds a virgin girl who was not betrothed, and seizes her and lies with her, and they are found,
29the man who lay with her shall give fifty [shekels of] silver to the girl’s father, and she shall become his wife, because he violated her. He shall not send her away all the days of his life.
Now this is tough, right? Basically a dude rapes a woman and they are married. In our culture today, this does not make a lot of sense. Back then? If a dude raped a woman, it would have created significant hardships for her marrying in the future – because she would not be a virgin.
We can discuss the problems culturally of all of this. I am not sure the Torah can give us prescriptions fully on how to navigate our culture today. And? We can pull lessons out here that would be helpful.
First – consent is critical. There should be significant consequences for violating a woman.
Second – sex is commitment. When two adults honor that commitment, things seem to go ok. If one does not? They are required to honor the commitment.
Now we dig into some restraints on sex and connection to the “assembly of the Lord” (read- synagogue or even church):
23:1A man shall not take his father’s wife, nor shall he uncover the corner of his father’s [cloak].
2[A man] with injured testicles or whose member is cut, may not enter the assembly of the Lord.
3A bastard shall not enter the assembly of the Lord; even the tenth generation shall not enter the assembly of the Lord.
4An Ammonite or Moabite shall not enter the assembly of the Lord; even the tenth generation shall never enter the assembly of the Lord.
So. A man sleeping with his mom or mother in law? NOPE
A man with injured testicles or a missing penis? NOPE
A man with no dad? NOPE.
An Ammonite or Moabite? NOPE. Wait. What?
Why?
5Because they did not greet you with bread and water on the way, when you left Egypt, and because he [the people of Moab] hired Balaam the son of Beor from Pethor in Aram Naharaim against you, to curse you.
6But the Lord, your God, did not want to listen to Balaam. So the Lord, your God, transformed the curse into a blessing for you, because the Lord, your God, loves you.
7You shall not ever seek out their welfare or their good, all your days.
Dang. Harsh. So that story we discussed about Balak and Balaam? It has come back around. That’s why the harshness.
What are your thoughts?
Here are my thoughts from the past two years:
Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 5 Elul, 5783
A lot to cover in today’s portion! And as I develop my thoughts, what is coming to light is today’s passage continues the journey of exploring relationships. Friendships, romantic relationships, etc.
And we start with…..the EGO!!!
If you read last year’s commentary, Moses begins today’s portion regarding building a new house and putting a guardrail on the roof.
I am seeing that this may be symbolic of a relationship with friends, loved ones, children. I liken the development of a new friendship, or a new relationship with a child like building a house we live in.
The rabbis and Kabbalah seem to indicate the roof relates to the ego; which in a relationship would seem to be the place relationships struggle. As we are spiritually liberated and enter into relationships with others? The guardrail needs to be built so we don’t shed the blood of others who get to know us (and our egos). How can we build this guardrail?
By being conscious of our own ego. By remembering how our ego creates a future reality that may or may not be real. Our ego defines our past in ways that may or may not be real. Both working to “protect” our own egos – building a strong roof – but then not building guardrails for when others come to visit.
So starting with the ego? Both parties in a healthy relationship (I think – or rather I am exploring the idea that) need to be conscious of their own egos, and working to protect the other person from “falling off” the roof of their ego. That’s the first part of a healthy relationship. Ego. Dealing with our own EGO.
Just a thought.
Step 2 in healthy relationships – compatibility.
Once we are aware of our own ego and protecting others? The Torah moves to discuss the mixing of animals – we have within us (according to Kabbalah) – the animal soul. I’m wondering if that animal looks different for each of us? And the idea of being in relationship with someone else? Maybe we need to ensure our animal souls are aligned? The message I read from last year’s commentary and the Torah is that the purpose of being aligned with our animal souls is the concept of preventing the causing of pain. When we enter into a relationship – we don’t desire (at least most of us don’t) to cause the person pain. And yet, we do. Maybe it’s because we don’t look at our animal soul and instincts within us, and what it needs. And we are in relationship with someone who creates more of that need? So we shouldn’t mix different animals together.
The Torah also talks about clothing and mixing linen and wool. I wonder if this is about our bodies? Because our bodies are often referred to as clothing to our souls. Maybe the idea is there needs to be compatibility and alignment physically.
So we have:
First – deal with our own ego
Second – choose friends and partners that are aligned.
Next, we move to the part about marriage – and instead of thinking about someone external, I think about the energies within me.
Step 3 in healthy relationships – balance and harmony WITHIN
If our internal masculine HATES our internal feminine? That is a no win situation as I discussed last year. I think this is the source of a lot of toxic masculinity. Because Within me, as I “know” my internal feminine and internal masculine? I am falling in love with them both. But if that weren’t the case? I think it would not work – and I would likely have to kill off one or both of them. And I see a lot of men who have killed off their internal feminine. And honestly? A lot of women who have killed off their internal masculine. In response, we have to step in and take the place externally of what we’ve killed off inside of us to give us fulfillment, haven’t we?
So three steps for a healthy relationship:
- Deal with our own ego.
- Find a compatible person
- Find harmony within. Balance.
Thoughts?
Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 10 Elul, 5782
Good morning! I hope you all had a nice weekend with the extra day! And for those of us starting school this week, may it be a smooth transition!
lets dig in!
Today’s portion begins with building a new house, making a guardrail for your roof and making sure blood is not spilled in your house from someone falling from your roof.
Rabbi Isaiah Horowitz connects this to our ego:
“A roof, being the highest part of any structure, alludes to the ego, which gives you an elevated impression of yourself. In order to prevent you from “falling off your roof” allowing your feelings of overstated self-esteem to degenerate into selfishness, you are warned to “make a guardrail for your roof” – to carefully control and temper the ego with “guardrails”
Kabbalah goes even further:
The metaphysical universe is, essentially, a three-story construction: the worlds of Asiyyah (action), Yetzirah (formation), and Beriah (creation). Above this is the realm of God’s immediate light, the world of Atzilut (emanation).
According to the Kabbalah, we must construct a “guardrail” on the “roof” of this three-story metaphysical building to prevent the lights of Atzilut from “falling down” and “dying”
How does a spiritual light die?
It’s rather like a brilliant idea which you try to convey to others but, when words elude you, people glare at you stony-faced. What happened was you “killed” the idea by letting it “fall down” too fast. It needed a guardrail to hold it back until it could descend gracefully, articulately and compellingly.
Don’t let your bright ideas “fall” and “die.” Hold back your brilliance until you have found a way to communicate it effectively. (end quote)
These are some interesting concepts to consider on our journey from slavery to liberation. That internally we must do the work to create guardrails for our ego.
Ok. Let’s keep going.
Moses tells the people not to mix seeds in a field. Not to play with an ox and donkey together, wear wool and linen together.
Then – we are reminded of the commandment to wear tzitzit.
A lot is written about the mixing of animals:
This is to prevent causing pain to animals. Since the donkey is considerably weaker than the ox, it would have to exert itself far more in order to keep up, therefore it is forbidden to have both kinds plow together (Rabbi Abraham ibn Ezra, 12th century).
The ox chews its cud while the donkey does not. If they were bound together, it would seem to the donkey as though the ox is constantly being fed while she receives nothing, causing her undue distress (Rabbl Asher b. Jehiel, 13-14th century).
Generally, animals prefer to cling to their own kind. Bringing different animals together and having them work together in tandem would cause them much anxiety, just as it would be wrong to have people with conflicting personalities work together on a project, as this would lead to much frustration (Rabbi Aaron ha-Levi (Hinnukh), 13th century).
Plowing with an ox and a donkey together is forbidden because it would lead to the further prohibition of crossbreeding species (Leviticus 19:19). The farmer will house the ox and the donkey together, and they will breed with each other (Nahmanides, 13th century).
Some interesting insights!
Ok. Controversy alert. We are going to dig into the relationship between a man and a woman who are married. There are going to be things we don’t like here.
Moses starts by saying that if a man takes a wife and is intimate with her and hates her, and he makes scandalous accusations against her and defames her name, mostly around the concept of virginity (but I wonder if that is just an example), the woman’s parents should take proof of the issue (proof of her virginity) and go to the elders at the city gates.
The father should confront the elders about the scandalous accusations – and provide evidence.
If it’s true, and the man made up the accusations? The elders should take the man and reprimand him with lashes. He should pay the woman’s father. And…
She should remain as his wife. He may not send her away.
However, if the words of the husband were true – and the girl was not a virgin, she should die because she committed adultery in her father’s house.
I’m reflecting on a few things here.
One; the idea that in a marriage, the woman had sex with her husband on their wedding night in her father’s house to prove she was a virgin.
Two; what about women who were without parents?
Three; what if there are other issues; maybe the husband (or wife) made scandalous claims in other ways? What then?
My takeaway here is not to lie about a situation.
Also. Marriage is sacred – that the husband and wife were to remain married after this?
Also. That seems harsh punishment for the woman. So basically, my options as a woman are to EITHER be stoned to death or remain married to an asshole? No thanks. It would seem marriage (especially arranged marriages) would be extremely problematic and concerning.
Just sayin.
We go further now. A man laying with a married woman? Both must die.
A man taking a betrothed woman and lies with her? Both must die; because the dude took another’s wife, and the woman didn’t resist. She didn’t cry out for help. (Psst- this means it was consensual)
Because if the dude overpowered her against her will? Only the dude dies. So. The punishment for rape? Death. Maybe that’s part of our problem in our society today. Death penalty for rape? Interesting thought.
If a woman is not betrothed and a man takes her and they are found – the two are married.
We are now into who shouldn’t be getting married:
A man shouldn’t marry his fathers wife.
A man shouldn’t even take off the clothes of a woman destined for his father in a Levirate marriage.
A dude with damaged testicles or a severed phallus shouldn’t marry a Jewish woman or even enter the congregation of God.
A mamzer (a dude born to parents who violated Jewish law by being married) should not enter the congregation of God – their entire bloodline may not enter the congregation of God.
Finally Moses brings us back to the story of the Moabites and Ammonites. A Moabite or Ammonite may not marry a Jewish woman and enter the congregation of Hashem. This is because of what happened in the story we read about Balaam.
This is a lot today about marriages and betrothals. What are your thoughts?
No responses yet