Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 11 Kislev, 5875

This morning, our portion comes with a trigger warning. The Torah today deals with sexual assault. If that is something emotionally challenging? You may want to hold off on reading last year’s thoughts today.  My thoughts today won’t be connected to the sexual assault piece, so you are safe.

Today’s portion is a check point. What are we committed to?  I wrote this last year:

We are at a crossroads, friends. And the Torah seems clear.  If we want spiritual freedom and liberation, we need to check in with our purpose. Who is coronated in our hearts? Who did we decide to let be in charge of us back on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.  Because as we move forward, that decision will impact whether we end up in Egypt or we end up in the promised land.

And there is NO Pressure here. Because if we end up in Egypt? Hashem will rescue us. We will have another chance at this NEXT Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

So check in with yourself today? What do you need? Where is your heart?

This morning, Mark Nepo’s reflection was this (from the book of awakening):

“It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.” Agnes Repplier

He goes on to say this gem:

“So run, if you like, for it will all come with you. Or think and reason as many times as you must, for your heart will outlast the ripples of your thought. Or blame the things of things world if you need to, for the things you blame will eventually disappear.

Then you and I will still be left with ourselves and the world and the treasure at our feet.”

This is a beautiful reflection. We cannot outrun our hearts. It may take lifetimes – but they will always be there with us.

So where is your heart today? What are we running from within us? What are we blaming the world for?

Let me know your thoughts!

Here are my thoughts from last year:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 17 Kislev, 5784
Parsha Va-Yishlah (Genesis 32:4 – 36:43)
Fifth Portion: 34:1- 35:11

Good morning! It has been an interesting morning of reflection for me.  Today’s passage is longer – and comes with a trigger warning – it involves sexual assault.  Keep this mind – if you aren’t in a space to navigate this, feel free to skip today’s portion.  Let’s jump right in:

First, we need to remember the context.  Jacob JUST ghosted Esau. Jacob made a choice. And I think we are going to see the impact of his choice in how he saw Esau…

(34:1)Dinah, the daughter of Leah, whom she had borne to Jacob, went out to look about among the daughters of the land.

2And Shechem the son of Hamor, the Hivvite, the prince of the land, saw her, and he took her, lay with her, and violated her.

So. It would seem. One of the first impacts of Jacob’s decision NOT to go to Seir? His family is hurt by the decision. This does not EXCUSE the behavior of Shechem.  But had Jacob went to Seir to be with Esau? How would things have been different for Dinah?

And we don’t need to judge this – it’s not “things would have been better for Dinah in Seir,” right?  We can just be curious. Things could have been worse in Seir for all we know.

Let’s keep going:

3And his soul cleaved to Dinah the daughter of Jacob; he loved the girl and spoke to the girl’s heart.

4And Shechem spoke to his father Hamor saying, “Take this girl for me as a wife.”

The Torah makes this interesting connection.  It is a curious thing, isn’t it? Shechem violates Dinah, and the Torah says “his soul cleaved to Dinah.”

Even in the worst case scenario – connecting with someone in physical intimacy creates a “cleaving” of souls. 

Now. Remember. As we’ve discussed the soul – a soul is “purpose.”  Shechem’s purpose became Dinah.  We can judge that all we want. But in Shechem’s reality? That was who he became. We don’t read that Dinah’s soul became cleaved to Shechem however. Just because Shechem violated Dinah- and his purpose became her, her purpose here isn’t about him it would appear. 

So Shechem violates Dinah and his life purpose is her. Let’s keep going:

5Jacob had heard that he had defiled his daughter Dinah, but his sons were with his livestock in the field, and Jacob kept silent until they came [home].

So word gets back to Jacob – and he does not react. I am reflecting on possible reasons why he wouldn’t react the way I would expect him to (getting angry).  I feel like the most PLAUSIBLE reason is because Jacob feels sadness, guilt, and shame – he’s reflecting on how his decision to leave Esau and not go to Seir – and how THAT decision led to his daughter being defiled.

I also consider Jacob in this situation may represent the “freeze” response to Trauma.  Our guilt and shame trigger a response of freezing.  Jacob was frozen by his sadness, guilt and shame.

As a father, things happen sometimes and I get asked “don’t you get angry about that?” And my response is usually one of reflecting how my actions contributed to the incident or information about my kids suffering or struggling. I think about my past actions and how that contributed to the situation and causes me to pause. 

Other times, I don’t see that – and I do react out of alarm, disturbance, anger. And I think we are going to see that…

6And Hamor, the father of Shechem, went out to Jacob to speak with him.

7And Jacob’s sons had come from the field when they heard, and the men were grieved, and they burned fiercely, because he had committed a scandalous act in Israel, to lie with a daughter of Jacob, and such ought not to be done.

8And Hamor spoke with them, saying, “My son Shechem his soul has a liking for your daughter. Please give her to him for a wife.

9And intermarry with us; you shall give us your daughters, and you shall take our daughters for yourselves.

10And you shall dwell with us, and the land shall be before you; remain, do business there and settle there.”

11And Shechem said to her father and to her brothers, “May I find favor in your eyes. Whatever you tell me I will give.

12Impose upon me a large marriage settlement and gifts, and I will give as [much as] you ask of me, but give me the girl for a wife.”

So we have two fathers here. Jacob so far has been a little reserved in his response. Hamor seems scared. He knows the depths of what is going on here.  Hamor’s reality and Jacob’s reality are similar and different.  Hamor does not react in sadness to the circumstances of what led his son to violate Dinah. He reacts in fear. Hamor reacts to this violation and trauma by “fawning” over Jacob and trying to do anything he can to appease the trauma to make it go away. He bargains with the trauma.

Now we are going to see how the brothers react:

13Thereupon, Jacob’s sons answered Shechem and his father Hamor with cunning, and they spoke, because [after all] he had defiled their sister Dinah.

14And they said to them, “We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to a man who has a foreskin, for that is a disgrace to us.

15But with this, however, we will consent to you, if you will be like us, that every male will be circumcised.

16Then we will give you our daughters, and we will take your daughters for ourselves, and we will dwell with you and become one people.

17But if you do not listen to us to be circumcised, we will take our daughter and go.”

18Their words pleased Hamor and Shechem, the son of Hamor.

The Torah says – the brothers were “cunning” – they didn’t freeze. They didn’t fawn.  They didn’t fight right away.  They strategized.  They remained in peace.  It may be because they felt no guilt or shame – they just were sincere in seeing the violation, caring about Dinah, and wanting justice.

And let me be clear – I don’t think there is judgment on any of these responses to the trauma and violation.  The violation is going to be dealt with.  There will be justice.  But we are seeing the human reaction to the violation in it’s most natural form.  Let’s keep going:

19And the young man did not delay to do the thing because he desired Jacob’s daughter, and he was the most honored in all his father’s household.

20And Hamor and his son Shechem came to the gate of their city, and they spoke to the people of their city, saying,

21″These men are peaceful with us, and they will dwell in the land and do business there, and the land behold it is spacious enough for them. We will take their daughters for ourselves as wives, and we will give them our daughters.

22However, [only] with this [condition] will the men consent to dwell with us, to become one people, by every male among us being circumcised, just as they are circumcised.

23Then shall not their cattle, their property, and all their beasts be ours? But let us consent to them, and they will dwell with us.”

24And all those coming out of the gate of his city listened to Hamor and his son Shechem, and every male, all who went out of the gate of his city, became circumcised.

First. Why did Shechem agree to this high price? Because his soul was hyper focused on Dinah.  So of COURSE he’d circumcise himself for her.  So IMMEDIATELY he circumcised himself.  Then he and his father went to the people.  This explains why.

Now. Whoa.  Let’s consider the people. It does NOT make much sense why they would listen to the Shechem and Nahor and be circumcised.  Hamor explained the high cost of having these people live with them.  Not just circumcision – but financial loss for the people as well.  Hamor’s soul was for his son – it is obvious. He was doing everything for his son. We can relate to that, can’t we? Even if it means the destruction of the city.

But the people? Why? Why did THEY circumcise themselves?

Their soul’s purpose was the king. Remember – Shechem was a prince. Hamor was the king.  This was devotion.   This is the ONLY explanation I can think of.  So let’s see where their devotion led them:

25Now it came to pass on the third day, when they were in pain, that Jacob’s two sons, Simeon and Levi, Dinah’s brothers, each took his sword, and they came upon the city with confidence, and they slew every male.

26And Hamor and his son Shechem they slew with the edge of the sword, and they took Dinah out of Shechem’s house and left.

Wow.

Just sit with this.

My first reaction. Why was this cunning?  It seemed REALLY shady.

And my response is this: at each step of this way, people had choices to make. I am curious what would have happened had people made different choices. Had Hamor punished his son for his transgression. Had Hamor approached Jacob from a place of pain and hurt and seeking forgiveness. Had the people questioned Hamor and not circumcised.

Jacob’s sons literally had NOTHING to do with these choices. But what they saw unfold was a people who were so stuck on their devotion to something that was NOT Hashem (Shechem cleaving to Dinah, Hamor cleaving to his son, the people cleaving to the king) that no one stopped to question what was happening.

And it cost them their life.

What a warning for us.

It is interesting the timing of this message.  Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are behind us significantly.  Those holy days were about who we would coronate as the king of our life. Who are OUR souls clinging to for purpose?

We just left Jacob and Esau – and Jacob ghosting Esau, instead of reconciling.  Jacob chose fear. Hashem didn’t tell him NOT to go to Seir. That would be different. Jacob chose fear.

We are at a crossroads, friends. And the Torah seems clear.  If we want spiritual freedom and liberation, we need to check in with our purpose. Who is coronated in our hearts? Who did we decide to let be in charge of us back on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.  Because as we move forward, that decision will impact whether we end up in Egypt or we end up in the promised land.

And there is NO Pressure here. Because if we end up in Egypt? Hashem will rescue us. We will have another chance at this NEXT Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. 

Who (or what) is OUR SOULS cleaved to? Which way will we go?

It feels like we are halfway between Yom Kippur and Passover – that’s just a feeling. I don’t know if that is reality. This is a gut check. A reality check. Who is king in our life?

Let’s keep going: 

27Jacob’s sons came upon the slain and plundered the city that had defiled their sister.

28Their flocks and their cattle and their donkeys, and whatever was in the city and whatever was in the field they took.

29And all their wealth and all their infants and their wives they captured and plundered, and all that was in the house.

The other brothers came to the city and plundered it.  As was the custom.  Again, leaving the infants and wives there would not have been good. 

30Thereupon, Jacob said to Simeon and to Levi, “You have troubled me, to discredit me among the inhabitants of the land, among the Canaanites and among the Perizzites, and I am few in number, and they will gather against me and attack me, and I and my household will be destroyed.”

31And they said, “Shall he make our sister like a harlot?”

Jacob once again responds in fear. Jacob is afraid. It seems as if his path is set before him. And this is where Hashem speaks to Jacob – in his fear.  Because Jacob is not alone. Hashem has been with him the entire time:

1And God said to Jacob, “Arise and go up to Beth el and abide there, and make there an altar to the God Who appeared to you when you fled from your brother Esau.”

2Thereupon Jacob said to his household and to all those who were with him, “Remove the deities of the foreign nations, which are in your midst, purify yourselves and change your clothes.

3And we will arise and go up to Beth el, and I will make an altar to the God Who answered me on the day of my distress, and was with me on the way that I went.”

4And they gave Jacob all the deities of the nations that were in their possession and the earrings that were in their ears, and Jacob hid them under the terebinth that was near Shechem.

Hashem is giving Jacob another chance. “Here I am, Jacob. Now go. Go and remember who your king is. Remember your name, Israel.  You’ve gotten off track, but you are still on track.  Set up an altar. Mark this path. Remove everything collected from when you fled Esau.”

Jacob is at a crossroads.  Now Hashem doesn’t tell him to go back to Esau at this point.  So we can’t say Jacob’s decision to flee Esau was “wrong” per se – even though reading my Torah thoughts since that time you might infer I am saying Jacob was “wrong” to flee Esau.  He made his choice. Hashem willed it and could have intervened.  There is no right or wrong. Things just are.

This is the beauty of Hashem. He puts in front of us opportunities to connect. To be at peace. And He gives us the freedom to choose. Without judgment. We can choose war. We can choose peace. He will intervene if we get too far off the path (like Jacob here) but everything happens for our good. This is the message of the Torah. 

And our own choices will lead to more and more choices. And Hashem will intervene to make different decisions.  The choice we made 30 seconds ago does not need to be the choice we make in this moment. This is freedom. Jacob did not have to be afraid.

Let’s close today’s portion out:

5Then they traveled, and the fear of God was upon the cities that were around them, so that they did not pursue Jacob’s sons.

6And Jacob came to Luz, which is in the land of Canaan that is Beth el he and all the people who were with him.

7He built there an altar, and he called the place El Beth el, for there God had been revealed to him when he fled from before his brother Esau.

8And Deborah, Rebecca’s nurse, died, and she was buried beneath Beth el, beneath the plain; so he named it Allon Bachuth.

9And God appeared again to Jacob when he came from Padan aram, and He blessed him.

10God said to him, “Your name is Jacob. Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel shall be your name.” And He named him Israel.

11And God said to him, “I am the Almighty God; be fruitful and multiply; a nation and a multitude of nations shall come into existence from you, and kings shall come forth from your loins.

Hashem took Jacob’s fear and put it on the cities and nations.  Jacob did what Hashem asked him to do. And Hashem responded.

10God said to him, “Your name is Jacob. Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel shall be your name.” And He named him Israel.

I did a double take here. Almost like a déjà vu. Didn’t Hashem ALREADY have this conversation with Jacob?

Sure enough He did:

32:29And he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, because you have commanding power with [an angel of] God and with men, and you have prevailed.”

Now. Technically, the angel gave Jacob that name. But it seems like it wasn’t believed at the time. Jacob forgot his name. He was afraid. He was Jacob. He was NOT Israel.  Hashem reminds him of his name.

Do we need a reminding of our name? Are we Israel? “Commanding power with Hashem because he is our King?”  

Or are we stuck on being Jacob? A heel, a trickster, a supplanter? Because we are afraid?

This is the choice before us today.  And we are being asked to reflect on the work we did at Yom Kippur – who have we coronated as king in our lives?   That is likely what has led us to where we are today? Are we afraid? This may be why.

I’d love your thoughts.