Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 10 Tamuz, 5783

Today’s double portion is fascinating.  I love it a lot because it has a lot to teach us.  The relationship dynamics between Balaam, Hashem, and his donkey are really an interesting study!

The first thing that jumps out at me this year as I read it, is this interaction from Hashem:

God came to Balaam at night; “if you feel that the offer of these men will be profitable for you, get moving and go with them. But you must only do whatever I tell you.”

I think this gets to the heart of the matter on our spiritual journeys.  “What is profitable for us?”  We don’t often sit in this question.

This morning in meditation, I sat in the question in a multidimensional way.  I thought about:

• What is profitable for my past? To heal it? To reconcile it?
• What is profitable in this moment? What am I feeling and desire right now?  What is Hashem telling me to do in the moment?
• What is profitable for my future self? What moves do I make right now that help my future self get closer to their profit?  How can I be strategic.

And what I came to the realization was the answer to these three questions were VERY different.  And. I realized. For me? Worrying about my future self?  That took up a lot of energy within me.  I was stressed about doing the “right” thing so that my future self had less worry.

I realized. I didn’t trust my future self to make the best decisions.  I had to make the best decisions NOW so that less decisions were left up to my future self.

Because in the moment? In this current moment of reality? The questions I do NOT ask myself are this: Am I  listening? Or am I too busy trying to find peace for my past? Am I caught up in worrying about my future?

But when I sit and reflect, coming to an answer of “what is profitable for me?” that lines up my past, present AND Future self all together?  THEN I know I am on the right path.

However. That HAS to start by deciding what “profit” is to us.  It may not be financial. For me? It’s purpose. It’s peace.  So I rewrite these questions:

• What will bring me the most peace in healing my past?
• What will live out my purpose in the moment, assuming I have peace in the moment.
  • If I do NOT have peace in the moment? I need to slow down and not react until I do.  This is a LOT EASIER said than done.
• What will allow my future self the most opportunities to make decisions regarding our purpose with the information they have in future moments?  How can I leave doors OPEN for my future self and not close them off?

What is my purpose? Love. Being a father. Compassion. Kindness.

That seems to be a good way to avoid becoming Balaam and acting to hastily.

What are your thoughts?

Here’s my commentary from a year ago:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 12 Tamuz, 5782

Today we continue our journey in the parsha Balak. Yesterday we left off with Balaam the prophet telling Balak’s messengers to wait until he can consult with God.

God tells Balaam not to go with the messengers and not to curse the nation. Today’s portion begins here:

Balaam wakes up in the morning and goes to the dignitaries. He tells them “go back to your country – God has refused to let me go with you.”

Balaam (in some Torah thoughts) tweaked the message from God to say “God has refused to let me go with you because you aren’t sufficiently high-ranking officers.” Balaam was playing fast and loose with the words of God.

The messengers returned to Balak and told him what Balaam had said. Balak sent many more dignitaries, and each time they were higher in rank.

Balak sent the message to Balaam; “please do not refrain from coming to me. For I will give you tremendous honor, and whatever you tell me to do. I will do. So please come and condemn this people for me.”

Balaam responds by saying “even if Balak would give me his house full of silver and gold, I cannot transgress the word of God. Now, please remain here overnight and I will know what God will add when he speaks to me.”

This is interesting:

God came to Balaam at night; “if you feel that the offer of these men will be profitable for you, get moving and go with them. But you must only do whatever I tell you.”

This is where the portion ends.

And, this really goes against my view of God in some ways. Like really? God saying “hey if that’s going to be Profitable for you? Go! Just do what I tell you!”

That doesn’t sound like God to me.

The only thing I’m able to wrap my head around is the phrase “If that’s going to be profitable for you.”

Maybe God was trying to teach Balaam about the idea of profit? Like Balaam was only swayed to talk with God because he got the idea in his head about silver and gold? Maybe this was God trying to reach Balaam and help him grow? That sounds more like God.

So often we get freedom to choose; but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t weigh cost and benefit of the decisions we make. We must determine our values and what is profitable.

And. If we choose poorly, to trust God will help us get back on track. Which I think we will see in tomorrow’s portion. (spoiler alert!)

What are your thoughts?

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 13 Tamuz, 5782

Good morning! As we continue our journey in the darkness of the month of Tamuz, and we are about to reach the darkest point of the month, AND AT THE SAME TIME, the moon will be the brightest and closest it will ever be this year. I’m reflecting on how we see in the darkness. The moon does not give off light itself. The moon reflects light and shines in the darkness. But the source is the sun.

How much does our moon reflect the light of Hashem, to bring light to the darkness around us?

Let’s dig into todays portion!

Yesterday, Balaam had been resisting going with Balak’s messengers. But they kept increasing their offer. It got to the point they made Balaam an offer he couldn’t refuse. Even though God told him not to go and curse Israel, he approached God and said “but come on God! This offer is too good to be true!!!”

God’s response was surprising. He didn’t get mad. He said “if you think this offer is going to be profitable for you, then go. But do what I tell you.”

So as I shared yesterday- God told him he could go. But he had to listen to God. And. The question God had Balaam reflect on is the idea of profitability. Was the offer profitable for Balaam? Let’s dig into today’s portion:

Balaam got up and saddled his donkey. He went with the messengers from Balak.

Verse 22:22 says; “God was angry that he was going, and so God’s Angel was placed on the road to obstruct him.”

Let’s stop here. Ok. God JUST gave him permission to go. Why was God angry?

My take is God was angry that Balaam didn’t heed the question of profitability, and chose poorly. AND Balaam seemed to saddle his donkey without consulting God. What are your thoughts?

The other thought I have is God’s Grace and mercy here. He didn’t strike Balaam down. He sent an Angel to obstruct him.

How often do WE feel obstructed by our goals and journey when it seems like Hashem is blocking us? We see that as cruelty. But what if it is our protection? How would we know the difference? Have we considered the profitability of what we are about to embark on? That seems like a crucial question.

If you feel stuck. If there is something you feel like you are struggling with. If you have desires that are being unmet. Is it possible that we need to reflect on whether what we want is profitable for us?

It is interesting because this is the conversation I had with my 9 year old daughter last night.

 We were talking about feelings, and she was struggling to figure out how she was feeling. She said “I think I’m Angry and Afraid, but neither of those feel right to me.” We looked at a resource a friend gave me around David Hawkins’ “map of consciousness.”

Natana and I looked at the map: and right in the middle of Anger and Fear was Desire. I asked her if what she was struggling with might be desire? We talked about what that was, and discovered that there were a LOT of things she was wanting – and she wasn’t getting what she wanted. Or even needed. We then closed our eyes and listened to our bodies to discover where desire manifests itself. She articulated some new sensations. And we were off and running around the idea of feeling desire. One of the things the map of consciousness can teach us is the role courage can play in changing the game. How do we take courage and apply it to desire?

That’s a crucial component. It was a great conversation and moved Natana back on track (to a degree). It didn’t fix the problem, but it allowed her to experience the feeling with curiosity and not judgment.

Back to the portion:

So Balaam was wrestling with the donkey because the Donkey could see the Angel, but Balaam could not.

Balaam kept beating the donkey every time it veered. Three times the donkey veered and Balaam beat it.

Let’s stop here. How often do we feel like the donkey; we see things our friends and loved ones can’t see. We try to help avoid obstructions. And we get yelled at or people become frustrated with us. It’s a struggle. How do we navigate that? Well let’s keep going in the portion;

Finally, after being beaten three times, God opens the donkey’s mouth.

Full stop. God opened the donkey’s mouth.

If we are struggling with seeing things our friends can’t; how often do we keep our mouth closed? We don’t want to hurt feelings. We don’t want to cause conflict in our relationships. We are afraid to put our cards on the table.

Yet we are called to speak.

Now. There are those of us who speak too much. And sometimes we need to shut the hell up (sorry for the language) because we need to listen. We are like Balaam. God is trying to tell us something, but we aren’t focused or we are distracted. Sometimes it takes an ass to open their mouth to help us hear. I deeply appreciate those asses who have spoken to me to open my mind and ears to what I need. Those donkeys are super critical because they really help us. And instead of being grateful, we end up being frustrated.

Because you see, we have moments where we are the ass, and we have moments where we are Balaam. And if you think about it? The roles feel a little reversed don’t they?

Ok. Let’s keep going.

So, ok. The donkey speaks. And how does Balaam respond? I mean I’d expect Balaam to get down and worship the donkey. Or at least stop in his tracks.

Because the Donkey said “what have I done to make you hit me?”

Balaam’s response is telling: “because you embarrassed me. If I had a sword, I’d kill you.”

Stop again. Embarrassed. Balaam was feeling embarrassed. And we asses need to hear this. Because this is why we are sometimes an ass. We may have a voice and things to say to help our friends. But if we embarrass them, it’s not going to go well. So we should do everything we can to preserve our friends dignity. That’s key for us.

And the donkey heard Balaam. Because the donkey’s response was “aren’t I your donkey that you’ve ridden since you first started? Do I normally do this to you?”

The ass is saying “ok, I hear you are embarrassed; but do I normally do that?”

Balaam said “no” and then God opened Balaam’s eyes to see the Angel. And the Angel had a sword in its hand.

Balaam got down and prostrated himself before the Angel. NOW he got it.

And even though Balaam got it, the Angel explained to him even further. If it weren’t for the ass, Balaam would be dead.

Balaam repented and said he’d turn back. But the Angel told him to go. But warned Balaam to only say the words the Angel tells him to say.

Cut scene to Balak waiting for Balaam. Balak heard Balaam was coming and went out to meet him in Moab. Balak questioned Balaam about why it took him so long to come.

Balaam simply responds – “at least I’ve come to you. Do you think I have power to say anything I want? I will only speak the words God puts in my mouth.”

And that is where today’s portion ends.

Wow. So much here. I’m curious to know what you think!