Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 11 Kislev, 5784
Parsha Vayeitzei (Genesis 28:10 – 32:3)
Sixth Portion: Genesis 31:17 – 31:43

Good morning – as we are all recovering from the gluttony of Thanksgiving (I am saying this tongue in cheek) it’s time to detoxify with today’s Torah portion heading into Shabbat!  This entire week has been preparation for departing Laban’s land.  Jacob, Leah, and Rachel are all on the same page. They are ready to GO!  Let’s dig in:

(31:17)So Jacob rose, and he lifted up his sons and his wives upon the camels.

18And he led all his livestock and all his possessions that he had acquired, the purchase of his acquisition, which he had acquired in Padan aram, to come to Isaac his father, to the land of Canaan.

19Now Laban had gone to shear his sheep, and [meanwhile] Rachel stole her father’s teraphim.

20And Jacob concealed from Laban the Aramean by not telling him that he was fleeing.

21So he and all that were his fled, and he arose and crossed the river, and he directed his face toward Mount Gilead.

He was going home.  Rachel stealing her father’s idol (teraphim) is interesting here. There is some commentary below that offers us an alternative possibility of Rachel’s motives here.  I encourage you to read that. The Torah pointing this out, however, is really interesting!

The curious question for me is this; Why did Jacob conceal from Laban he was leaving? Was it fear? What was he afraid of? Was it strategy? Was it because of Rachel and Leah? Just something I reflect on.  It seems curious. If Hashem said “it’s time to go” why not just go back to Laban and say – “it’s time to go?”  Let’s keep going:

22On the third day, Laban was informed that Jacob had fled.

23So he took his kinsmen with him, and he pursued him seven days’ journey, and he overtook him at Mount Gilead.

24And God came to Laban the Aramean in a dream of the night, and He said to him, “Beware lest you speak with Jacob either good or evil.”

25And Laban overtook Jacob, and Jacob pitched his tent on the mountain, and Laban pitched with his kinsmen on Mount Gilead.

Laban takes off (seems a little foreshadowing of Pharaoh and the Israelites fleeing Egypt, doesn’t it?)  and overtakes them.

26And Laban said to Jacob, “What have you done, that you concealed from me, and led away my daughters like prisoners of war?

27Why have you fled secretly, and concealed from me, and not told me? I would have sent you away with joy and with songs, and with drum and with harp.

28And you did not allow me to kiss my sons and daughters. Now, you have acted foolishly.

29I have the power to inflict harm upon you, but the God of your father spoke to me last night, saying, ‘Beware of speaking with Jacob either good or bad.’

30But now, you have gone away, for you longed for your father’s house, [but]why have you stolen my gods?”

So in reading my commentary from two years ago?  I may have been in a very judgy place to call Laban a narcissistic abuser.  I’ll own that.  It’s hard NOT to read these verses in a way that is kind to Laban.

However, I CAN put myself into Laban’s shoes to a degree and see how I might react in certain situations and have a smidge of empathy for him.

We’ve been talking about worth. Value. Laban has ALSO made his choice on what he values. This engagement with Jacob is a reflection on those values. It is hard to read exactly what Laban values – because we KNOW based on yesterday’s portion? Laban was angry with Jacob’s acquired wealth. Today Laban SAYS he values his daughters – and assumes Jacob stole his daughters from him. He doesn’t consider his daughters WANTED to go. He seems to definitely value POWER as he basically tells Jacob “I could harm you, but Hashem told me not to” – he has the POWER to harm Jacob AND hear from Jacob’s God. Laban also values his idols.

To recap:

• We know Laban values wealth because he got angry at Jacob for acquiring wealth from him
• Laban may value his daughters – but more as property than as independent human beings
• Laban seems to value POWER because he made comments as such
• Laban values his idols.

For me? I want to reflect on the Laban within:

• What makes me angry or emotionally agitated? How does that communicate to me my values?
• Do I see my kids as independent human beings with their own sovereignty, agency, and decision making capabilities? Or do I see them as property for my benefit?
• Do I communicate with others the POWER I have and I am withholding?
• What, if taken away from me, would I hyper focus on and how does that communicate my values?

These questions really spark some self-reflection.  And I love that!  Let’s keep going!

31And Jacob replied, and he said to Laban, “Because I was afraid, because I said, ‘Lest you steal your daughters from me.’

32The one with whom you find your gods shall not live. In the presence of our brothers, recognize for yourself what is with me, and take [it] for yourself.” For Jacob did not know that Rachel had stolen them.

33So Laban entered Jacob’s tent and Leah’s tent and the tent[s] of the two handmaids, but he did not find [them]; and he had come out of Leah’s tent and entered Rachel’s tent.

34But Rachel had taken the teraphim and placed them into the camel saddle and sat upon them; so Laban felt about the entire tent but did not find [them].

35And she said to her father, “Let my lord not be annoyed, for I cannot rise before you, for the way of women is upon me.” So he searched, but did not find the teraphim.

36And Jacob was annoyed, and he quarreled with Laban, and he said to Laban, “What is my transgression? What is my sin, that you have pursued me?

37For you have felt about all my things. What have you found of all the utensils of your house? Put it here, in the presence of my kinsmen and your kinsmen, and let them decide between the two of us.

38Already twenty years have I been with you, and your ewes and she goats have not aborted, neither have I eaten the rams of your flocks.

39I have not brought home to you anything torn [by other animals]; I would suffer its loss; from my hand you would demand it, what was stolen by day and what was stolen at night.

40I was [in the field] by day when the heat consumed me, and the frost at night, and my sleep wandered from my eyes.

41This is twenty years that I have spent in your house. I served you fourteen years for your two daughters and six years for your animals, and you changed my wages ten times.

42Had not the God of my father, the God of Abraham and the Fear of Isaac, been for me, you would now have sent me away empty handed. God has seen my affliction and the toil of my hands, and He reproved [you] last night.”

So Jacob stands up to Laban.  And – we see – Jacob spent 20 years is servitude for his choice to hyperfocus on Rachel.  That was the wage he paid to be married to Rachel. Again – what would life have looked like if Jacob let things play out and ended up with Leah?  Just something hypothetical to think about.

And we close today’s portion with Laban’s answer:

43And Laban answered and said to Jacob, “The daughters are my daughters, and the sons are my sons, and the animals are my animals, and all that you see is mine. Now, what would I do to these daughters of mine today, or to their children, whom they have borne?

We are in the middle of a conflict!  We will have to wait for Shabbat to find out what happens to close today’s portion.

What are YOUR thoughts?

Here is my commentary from the past 2 years:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for Kislev 8, 5783

Wow. Again, reading this passage a year later, I see more around Laban’s gaslighting and Jacob’s response. Grounding ourselves in reality – restating our position- is a great way to navigate those who would try to convince us that our perceptions of reality are “wrong.” I have learned “seeing it multiple ways” has been a valuable tool in building healthy relationships. I can own my reality and perceptions of reality without trying to convince someone else their view of reality is wrong.

The question becomes how to navigate when two people see things completely differently. How do we navigate this? I think this is where proverbs comes in. Proverbs 11:14 says: “Without strategy the people falls, but with many counselors there is victory.”

For me, one of the ways I ground myself in reality is to have multiple perspectives. Having many counselors – approaching life with different perspectives- provides less of an echo chamber of people who will just tell me what I want to hear. Being challenged (and pushed back on) has helped me discover my own perspective of reality, and to trust myself most.

This is sometimes difficult, especially when relationship is broken because someone else views reality differently and they are unwilling to see multiple dimensions of a situation. But we must trust and love and live.

Centering ourselves in love we need to create space in our lives for people to be in our worlds who see reality differently. That’s not a negative or a knock against ourselves – it’s the beautiful tapestry of life!

What are your thoughts?

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for Kislev 8, 5782

Jacob and his wives all agreed it was time to leave because Laban was really angry over Jacob’s wealth.

He took everything he had and “saddled up” his camels to leave and head home to his dad, Isaac.

Rachel, however, decided before leaving she was going to take her dad’s idols.

Stop here. Something I always believed was that Rachel had not let go of her idol worshipping past. That Rachel was wrong here, and could not let go of her idols.

In fact, the Talmud tells a different story. The Talmud (in Pirkei de-Rabbi Eliezer) says Rachel took the idols not for her benefit; but because she wanted to prevent her dad from divining information that they had fled. Another perspective is that Rachel took the idols to wean Laban off them (and idol worship), sort of an intervention.

I Had never considered an alternative view on Rachel taking Laban’s idols. I’d love to know your thoughts!!!

So Jacob left, and it took Laban three days to realize Jacob had fled. Remember; no Wi-Fi back then (well except Hashem; he could have certainly told Laban in a dream Jacob fled).

Laban left and made the seven day journey (some texts believe he did this miraculously in one day) to meet Jacob at Mount Gilead. Before getting to Jacob, Hashem actually DID speak to Laban in a dream – with a warning “do not speak with Jacob either good or bad.”

Laban pitches his tent with his relatives on Mount Gilead, Jacob had already pitched his tent on the mountain as well. Things are obviously tense!

Laban speaks; “what have you done? You duped me, and led away my daughters like prisoners of war! Why did you flee secretly and deceive me? Why didn’t you tell me? I would have sent you off with rejoicing, songs, drum and harp! You didn’t allow me to kiss my sons and daughters. You have now acted foolishly.”

I’m struck here by the gaslighting. This may be one of the earliest examples (maybe other than Cain trying to gaslight Hashem). But it is clear Laban would NOT have let Jacob go with rejoicing because Laban was mad. Talk about narcissism! Now. If you don’t think that this is real, let’s look at how Laban continues;

“I am sufficiently strong to harm you, but the God of your father spoke to me last night, saying ‘Beware not to speak with Jacob either good or bad’”

Um. Yeah. Hello abuser. Why aren’t you actually listening to God here? Why are you running your mouth?

Then he labels the accusation; “why have you stolen my Gods?”

Just pause here. Dude is talking about God coming to him in a dream and he’s worried about his gods? Wow.

Jacob finally responds. He doesn’t back down.

“I left because you were angry and I was afraid you’d take your daughters from me.”

Again I want to stop here. I go back to the engagement with Jacob and Rachel and Leah about the decision to leave. Previously, someone brought up some interesting points about that exchange. But it is clear that Jacob was actually worried they’d be kidnapped and be taken against their will. We know they left with Jacob willingly because he asked them and gave them the opportunity for input. You want to talk about empowering women? This seems like an important point here. Jacob wanted his wives to be free; he didn’t just take them and go. That would have been what Laban had done. Jacob gave them freedom to go. This isn’t two men fighting over the possession of two women; this is a husband defending the honor and freedom of his wives and a dad who most likely WOULD have taken them against their will, based on his behavior. At least in my opinion. Laban was a narcissistic abuser – the language he uses and the gaslighting is very evident.

Next we get to the point of the idols. Jacob (unfortunately) made a vow that whoever has Laban’s idols would not live. He challenges Laban to identify which relative is with Jacob who has the idol.

Now. If Laban loved his daughters, he would have likely stopped right here. He knew that if one of his daughters had his idols, he would be putting Jacob in a tough situation. Laban didn’t care. He cared more for his idols than his own family. He was ok with someone dying for taking those idols. Ugh.

We know, based on verse 33, Laban was suspicious of Rachel to begin with because he entered her tent two times. Rachel was one step ahead and was sitting on them on her camel. In addition she played the card no man would argue with. “I can’t get up before you, because the way of women is upon me.” Wow.

Laban could not find his idols.

Jacob then turns around and starts pushing back. He gave Laban every respect, even though he didn’t deserve it. He wasn’t a doormat. He was respectful. But he was angry.

1. Jacob did nothing wrong and Laban pursued him.
2. Laban rummaged through Jacob’s things and found nothing.
3. Jacob had already paid off all his debts; 20 years working for Laban. 7 for each wife and 6 for the animals.
4. Jacob never ate or took any of Labans animals.
5. Jacob never failed to protect Labans animals.
6. If anything was stolen under Jacob’s watch, Jacob paid for it.
7. Jacob suffered oppressive heat and extreme cold. He was sleep deprived to make sure he was working for Laban with high ethics.
8. Laban changed Jacob’s wages numerous times.
9. If it wasn’t for God, Laban would have sent Jacob away empty handed
10. God knows all of this. He has seen Jacob’s affliction and even reprimanded Laban directly.

Wow. That’s some defense/accusation. I wonder how Laban will respond? We will have to wait until tomorrow to find out.

I’m reflecting on this passage from the perspective of a former Sexual Assault Counselor. Laban seems like a textbook abuser. The gaslighting, the narcissism. And Jacob seems very responsive.

Maybe there is something here on how to navigate narcissists?

AND. I’m reflecting on how I am like Laban. And I reflect on how I’m like Jacob. Because I can see myself in each of them.

That’s pretty vulnerable.

What are your thoughts?