Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 14 Tevet, 5785

Good morning! Today we are in the fullness of this Tevet moon! Where the chaos leading to repair is at its peak. Where is the universe showing you where we need the deepest repair?

Today we read about the Moses Mandela Effect.  Think of how much we know about Moses living in Egypt.  It’s all not real.  We learn we get five lines in the Torah. That’s it. So many questions. We get five lines. Compare that to Joseph.  He gets a ton more space in the Torah.

One of the takeaways I wrote about was this:

Open ourselves up to recognizing there is a lot we don’t know about ourselves and we open ourselves up to freedom.  Believe we know all there is to know about ourselves? We build ourselves an ark for safety AND a prison from freedom.

I wrote about the Johari window (read below for a link to learn more about this beautiful framework).  And how we have areas we are blocking for ourselves (Johari calls this blind spots – but I like to push back against that ablest language).

What can we take away from today’s passage? We build arks for ourselves to survive trauma. We tell ourselves long outlandish stories in our brains to process the traumas of our past in order to navigate them. This is apropos:

Let’s add; our trauma is not our fault.  There is NO EXCUSE for the Trauma that was thrusted upon us. And. We are RESPONSIBLE as adults to work on healing ourselves and stepping off the ark. This is freedom. What steps are we taking to release the chains of trauma in our lives?

Something I discussed yesterday in therapy. There is a little boy inside of me and he is generally scared (see the trauma I discuss below).  He has never felt protected. He has never felt seen. He has never felt advocated for. He’s 8 years old.

When something happens to me in THIS moment? That boy cries out – “Protect us!”

My therapist reminded me – what is happening to us in THIS moment is happening to adult tyler – not little boy tyler. I am in a space to learn to recognize the feelings of the little boy, while at the same time making decisions and responding as the adult.

8 year old tyler? He represents 2% of my life so far. It was a year of significant struggle. When he needs attention? I need to recognize that – be responsible for that – because as an adult? I am not at fault for his trauma – I am responsible for engaging the reality in front of me – from an adult perspective.

This is freedom. To see 8 year old me – love 8 year old me – remind him he is valued. And? Not take that trauma and spill it out on to others. To retraumatize those around me – but to respond in a way that is kind, compassionate, and loving. Instead of reacting from a place of an 8 year old boys resentment.

This is the journey. This is the chaos. This is the repair.

So where is your little boy or girl wanting attention? How can you love and see them – without reacting to the external reality around us?  It is psychosis to ignore the external reality – and focus solely within.  Just as much as it is psychosis to ignore the internal reality and solely focus externally.

The balance and harmony comes from integrating multiple realities and frameworks all in a moment. Because that is all there is. No past. No future. Just this present moment our consciousness finds ourselves in. Together.

What are your thoughts?

Here are my thoughts from last year:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 21 Tevet 5784
Parsha Shemot: (Exodus 1:1 – 6:1)
Third Portion: Exodus 2:11  – 2:25

Good morning!  Today’s portion is fascinating for a few reasons.  Reading my commentary from the past two years AND what we learned in Genesis. It would seem as if the Torah (and Hashem) are giving us FIRST HAND experience with the concepts of alternate realities.

Many of us have heard of the “Mandela effect” – I love all the speculation about this!  Yesterday, I saw a video that said when the Haldron collider was turned on, our universe was destroyed and we entered an alternate Universe in an instant. I am not saying I agree with that- I am just saying – the Mandela effect is something we are ALL aware of – and we aren’t.  I think the Torah gives us clarity as to what is going on here.

Before we jump in. I REALLY encourage us to reflect on what we know about Moses in the Torah.  From when he was put in a basket until he grew up and the burning bush.  Just reflect on what you think you know. 

With that in mind, let’s dig into today’s portion – remembering we left off yesterday with Moses being given his name when he was older:

10The child grew up, and she brought him to Pharaoh’s daughter, and he became like her son. She named him Moses, and she said, “For I drew him from the water.”

Let’s go:

11Now it came to pass in those days that Moses grew up and went out to his brothers and looked at their burdens, and he saw an Egyptian man striking a Hebrew man of his brothers.

12He turned this way and that way, and he saw that there was no man; so he struck the Egyptian and hid him in the sand.

13He went out on the second day, and behold, two Hebrew men were quarreling, and he said to the wicked one, “Why are you going to strike your friend?”

14And he retorted, “Who made you a man, a prince, and a judge over us? Do you plan to slay me as you have slain the Egyptian?” Moses became frightened and said, “Indeed, the matter has become known!”

15Pharaoh heard of this incident, and he sought to slay Moses; so Moses fled from before Pharaoh. He stayed in the land of Midian, and he sat down by a well.

Five lines. Moses’ adult life in Egypt gets five lines. Two years ago I summarized:

1. Moses grows up
2. Moses thinks he is secretly killing an Egyptian because of injustice
3. Moses learns his people (the Jews) know what he did
4. Pharaoh learns and tries to kill Moses.

Because “slay Moses” doesn’t mean Moses slayed. It means Pharaoh wanted to kill Moses. His OWN grandson.  Did he KNOW Moses was his grandson?  How close was he with his daughter?

Think about this. The reality in our brains about the life of Moses – is that real? I mean – it was for me. It shaped my thoughts on Moses for sure. But that is NOT what the Torah says.

Moses’ time in Egypt isn’t mentioned a lot in the Torah.  So few lines. Think about how much Joseph was mentioned in Genesis.

What is the takeaway here?  I think there are a few:

• If we believe our concept of reality is “right” then we are enslaved. We aren’t open to the possibility that the “facts” in our head may NOT be as accurate as we think they are.
• Freedom comes with being open to the possibility – what we believe as “facts” about ourselves – may be what is holding us back. AND. What we believe as “facts” about others? May be what is holding us back. There is safety here. But it is also a prison.

Be curious. Be open. The Torah has given us an insight to how our brains fill in gaps with external things that may not be accurate.

I was having a conversation with a dear friend this morning.  And we were talking about our friendship.  At one point they said “you don’t know me.”  My response was “you are right.” Followed by “You don’t know you either.” To which they responded “bite me.” Which is an indicator in our friendship that one of us is correct.

It was at that point I brought up the Johari window.  I have mentioned this a few times already.  But it is really significant on this journey out of slavery. Here is the link again.

I then followed up with my friend:

When you say “you don’t know me” you think you are saying “I know this part of me- and you don’t  – I’m intentionally keeping things hidden from you, or if you knew me better, you’d know this part of me.” It is a defense mechanism to make me stop pressing. 

What you are really saying is “this isn’t my blind spot” and I am not ready to dig in there.  Which is a beautiful boundary to set.

Just because someone does NOT know us, does not mean we know us. Just because we THINK we know Moses, doesn’t mean we do.

Let’s imagine we have what is in our heads right now – and we time traveled and meet Moses in Midian.  Moses may not have a lot he knows about himself (he has not gone through the burning bush, the plagues, etc).  And we know this about Moses. 

Because of time? We may think we know Moses’ blind spots.  And. Some of those? May be undiscovered. Moses may not know things about himself – and we may not know those same things yet.

Let’s bring this back to us.

How much are we REALLY keeping hidden from others? For some of us it may be a lot. But that would require a LOT of self awareness, right? The truth is most of us live in our undiscovered areas and blind spots.

So our lesson here is this:

Open ourselves up to recognizing there is a lot we don’t know about ourselves and we open ourselves up to freedom.  Believe we know all there is to know about ourselves? We build ourselves an ark for safety AND a prison from freedom.

Ok.  Moses has now left Egypt (slavery) and is in the land of Midian.  Let’s see what he does with the wilderness of Midian:

16Now the chief of Midian had seven daughters, and they came and drew [water], and they filled the troughs to water their father’s flocks.

17But the shepherds came and drove them away; so Moses arose and rescued them and watered their flocks.

Had Moses not done what he did in Egypt – killing a man – the daughters would not have been able to water their flocks.

Moses could believe he was a “bad person” for killing the Egyptian (who was torturing a Jewish brother) or he could believe he was a “good person” for rescuing the daughters at the well. Moses had a choice as to how he sees himself.  This is freedom. 

Let’s keep going:

18They came to their father Reuel, and he said, “Why have you come so quickly today?”

19They replied, “An Egyptian man rescued us from the hand[s] of the shepherds, and he also drew [water] for us and watered the flocks.”

20He said to his daughters, “So where is he? Why have you left the man? Invite him, and let him eat bread.”

Again – not much is written here -Moses basically does a solid for Reuel – and he comes to his land for sustenance.

21Moses consented to stay with the man, and he gave his daughter Zipporah to Moses.

22She bore a son, and he named him Gershom, for he said, “I was a stranger in a foreign land.”

Two lines. Moses was GIVEN Zipporah in marriage and they had a son Gershom. So basically, Moses went from being a child in verse nine to becoming a dad in verse 22.  Along the way, he killed a dude, his grandpa wanted to kill him, he fled, rescued some women, eat bread, got married, and had a baby.

It’s as if the Torah is saying “look” Moses early life? Not as crucial.

I wonder if we place too much stock in our early lives? I wonder if this creates safety and a prison for us?

So – let’s add to our learning:

• Open ourselves up to recognizing there is a lot we don’t know about ourselves and we open ourselves up to freedom. If we believe we know all there is to know about ourselves? We build ourselves an ark for safety AND a prison from freedom.

Let’s add this:

• Our early lives shape us to a degree – but when we are stuck, and feeling enslaved? They may not be as much the path out as we think they are. We may have created Arks for ourselves to survive. But we must be in the moment and step out of the ark.

From my own life – I grew up living in the identity of being abused physically by my father and being neglected by my mom.  I wore this identity as a badge and shield. It protected me. Shielded me. And. Kept me stuck.

Until I was able to let go – and see the humanity of my mom and dad- see their realities – and not EXCUSE their behavior – but instead allow myself the freedom the see the past in a different way – so that I could be free to step out of the Ark I built? I was going to remain stuck.

There are many movies, books and ideas dedicated to this thought.  I think about Good Will Hunting as one of them.  Robin Williams’ character tells Will “It’s not your fault you know.” And the tears flow.

And I realize.  It’s not my fault.  And. It’s my responsibility today. I can get stuck being a victim – and live “it’s not my fault” or I can say “it is BOTH not my fault AND now my responsibility as an adult to heal and step out of the ark.”

This is freedom. Let’s add to our learning again:

• Open ourselves up to recognizing there is a lot we don’t know about ourselves and we open ourselves up to freedom. If we believe we know all there is to know about ourselves? We build ourselves an ark for safety AND a prison from freedom.
• Our early lives shape us to a degree – but when we are stuck, and feeling enslaved? They may not be as much the path out as we think they are. We may have created Arks for ourselves to survive. But we must be in the moment and step out of the ark.

Let’s add; our trauma is not our fault.  There is NO EXCUSE for the Trauma that was thrusted upon us. And. We are RESPONSIBLE as adults to work on healing ourselves and stepping off the ark. This is freedom. What steps are we taking to release the chains of trauma in our lives?

Think of the Trauma Moses lived. His parents put him in the river because Pharoah wanted to kill him. Rescued by Pharaoh’s daughter. Sees a Jew being mistreated and kills his Egyptian brother. His grandfather wants to kill him again.

That’s trauma. 

Healing comes from being in this moment and not getting stuck in the past.  Survival is one thing – its safe.  But it can become a prison.

Let’s close out today’s portion:

23Now it came to pass in those many days that the king of Egypt died, and the children of Israel sighed from the labor, and they cried out, and their cry ascended to God from the labor.

24God heard their cry, and God remembered His covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob.

25And God saw the children of Israel, and God knew.

I love this portion ends with “God knew.” He sees. He sees our cry.

I’ve asked the question before – read my commentary the past two years.  Why now?

Grief.

As long as Pharoah was in the lives of the Israelites? They couldn’t grieve. Pharoah was removed so they could grieve.  And THAT is when Hashem saw them.

So – one final takeaway. 

• Open ourselves up to recognizing there is a lot we don’t know about ourselves and we open ourselves up to freedom. If we believe we know all there is to know about ourselves? We build ourselves an ark for safety AND a prison from freedom.
• Our early lives shape us to a degree – but when we are stuck, and feeling enslaved? They may not be as much the path out as we think they are. We may have created Arks for ourselves to survive. But we must be in the moment and step out of the ark.
• Our trauma is not our fault. There is NO EXCUSE for the Trauma that was thrusted upon us. And. We are RESPONSIBLE as adults to work on healing ourselves and stepping off the ark. This is freedom. What steps are we taking to release the chains of trauma in our lives?

Let’s add:

What is preventing our grief? What Pharaoh are we waiting to be removed from our lives in order to grieve? What clarity do we need to unlock and unblock our Grief? Ask Hashem.

To summarize:

• Acknowledge we may not know ourselves as much as we think we do.
• Acknowledge Hashem knows us better than we know ourselves. There is NOTHING undiscovered about Hashem.
• Acknowledge our past exists – and it is NOT OUR FAULT this trauma occurred.
• Acknowledge the present ALSO exists – and some of our present reality may not be grounded in “facts” about our past -but stories we’ve written about in our heads to help us survive.
• Acknowledge as adults, we are RESPONSIBLE for our present moment. We have a responsibility to heal ourselves.
• Be curious about what “Pharaoh” is keeping us enslaved that we need removed so that we can grieve our past and our current stuckness.
• Either “let that Pharoah go” (ironic, huh?) or ask Hashem to remove the Pharoah in a way for everyone’s good.

This is the path to freedom!

What are your thoughts?