Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 17 Kislev, 5785

There is a shifting after this full moon for sure.  One of the questions I have been contemplating has been around this idea of self.

What is the line between working on self awareness and becoming self-obsessed?

The best answer I can come up with? Uncertainty.

The idea of obsession – becomes about searching for certainty. “Who am I?” That is a beautiful question of the exploration of self. Does it become obsession when we believe there is a “correct” answer? That there is something “certain” to the answer? That feels apropos.

As I read my thoughts on this portion from a year ago? There is a lot of uncertainty built into the ideas.

How much are we seeking certainty in our lives instead of versatility?

Can we let go of our guilt and shame, hoping to find a nugget of certainty to heal it?

What are your thoughts?

Here are my thoughts from last year:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 23 Kislev, 5784
Parsha Va-Yeshev (Genesis 37:1 – 40:23)
Fourth Portion: Genesis 38:1 – 38:30

Good morning! As we come close to the lights of Hanukkah, and create light to show us the way in the darkness of the new moon (which hits right in the middle of Hanukkah) we dig into today’s portion with this in mind.  What light can we shine?

The context for today is the conclusion yesterday of Joseph being sold into slavery.  Judah protected Joseph from dying and led the brothers in this decision. Let’s jump in:

1Now it came about at that time that Judah was demoted by his brothers, and he turned away until [he came] to an Adullamite man, named Hirah.

So Joseph is gone, Jacob warns us he has descended (into slavery).  And instead of following Joseph, the Torah turns our attention to Judah.  Why? I don’t have answers, but my curiosity is salient as we jump into more:

2And there Judah saw the daughter of a merchant named Shua, and he took her and came to her.

3And she conceived and bore a son, and he named him Er.

4And she conceived again and bore a son, and she named him Onan.

5Once again she bore a son, and she named him Shelah, and he (Judah) was in Chezib when she gave birth to him.

So. Judah was demoted. He descended too. He lost positional power with the brothers. And what did he do when he lost his positional power? He turned away and went to Hirah.

He then meets the daughter of Shua – who was a merchant. “He took her and came to her.”  So. The Torah leaves out whether he took her as a wife, or just took her. I find that interesting.

I put myself in Judah’s shoes. What might he be feeling?

Guilt? Shame? Sadness? After what happened with Joseph – I am wondering if Judah had regrets. He lost power. He tried to lead as best he could with Joseph and the conflict. But he must have felt defeated.

Something else I notice. Judah had three sons with the daughter of Shua. The Torah says he named the first one – Er. She named the second two; Onan and Shelah.

Er means “Awake.”

Onan means “Trouble” or “Vigor”

Shelah means to “extract” or “prosper”

That is interesting to me. Judah gives his first son a name “awake” like he has woken up to what has happened to him.  He is aware of his guilt and shame.

The mother names her two sons names that seem to have more fluid meanings. 

I am curious – is it possible the Torah is telling us – Trouble brings with it Vigor? Extractions brings Prosperity? I am not sure – just a question as we continue to dig.  Let’s keep going.

6And Judah took a wife for Er, his firstborn, named Tamar.

7Now Er, Judah’s firstborn, was evil in the eyes of the Lord, and the Lord put him to death.

Okaaaaaay.

So Tamar becomes a major focal point. Her name means “date” (the fruit) or “date palm” or “palm tree.”  Either way – we see Tamar representing fruit, growth, development.

And Judah took this tree and gave it to his wicked son.  And immediately, he died.

Why? Why was Hashem so harsh?

Here’s my thought.  When evil is awake – growth and development kills evil within. Evil is unable to grow and learn. We didn’t see any actions. 

Judah may have been waking up to what he did – but he was still asleep. He had more on his journey to spiritual freedom and liberation and was not aware.  He was not yet connected to growth.  Let’s keep going:

8So Judah said to Onan, “Come to your brother’s wife and perform the rite of the levirate, and raise up progeny for your brother.”

9Now Onan knew that the progeny would not be his, and it came about, when he came to his brother’s wife, he wasted [his semen] on the ground, in order not to give seed to his brother.

10Now what he did was evil in the eyes of the Lord, and He put him to death also.

So – Judah then he tried to give Tamar to Onan – whose name has two meanings – meaning there is likely a choice. Trouble. Or Vigor.  Giving growth and development – building a tree around Onan? Onan CHOSE trouble over vigor. Onan could have been vigor – but he was trouble. That was a FREE choice on his part. Er WAS evil in the eyes of Hashem. In verse 10 the Torah says Onan CHOSE evil over vigor. So evil will choose evil when given the choice to grow and develop, it would seem.  And because of that? Evil had to die. Let’s keep going:

11Then Judah said to his daughter in law Tamar, “Remain as a widow in your father’s house until my son Shelah grows up,” for he said, “Lest he too die, like his brothers.” So Tamar went, and she remained in her father’s house.

12Many days passed, and Shua’s daughter, Judah’s wife, died; and Judah was consoled, and he went up [to watch] over his sheepshearers he and Hirah, his Adullamite friend to Timnah.

13And it was told to Tamar, saying, “Behold, your father in law is going up to Timnah to shear his sheep.”

Ok.  So Judah had enough for now. Shelah (extract or prosper) wasn’t old enough to grow or develop yet. So he sent her back to her dad’s house.

Judah’s wife passes -she doesn’t have a name, interestingly. He was in mourning. So he went back to his friend Hirah – to Timnah.  And Tamar was told this.  And she? She took action. Let’s look:

14So she took off her widow’s garb, covered [her head] with a veil and covered her face, and she sat down at the crossroads that were on the way to Timnah, for she saw that Shelah had grown up, but as for her she was not given to him for a wife.

15When Judah saw her, he thought she was a harlot, because she covered her face.

16So he turned aside toward her to the road, and he said, “Get ready now, I will come to you,” for he did not know that she was his daughter in law, and she said, “What will you give me that you should come to me?”

17And he said, “I will send a kid from the herd,” and she said, “[Only] if you give me a pledge until you send [it].”

18So he said, “What is the pledge that I should give you?” And she said, “Your signet, your cloak, and the staff that is in your hand.” So he gave them to her, and he came to her, and she conceived his likeness.

Tamar knew what she was doing.  She was there to help awaken Judah. To help him grow.  Her divine strength was planted within Judah’s grief. Remember the blessing of Esau? We must feel our grief and experience our grief.  Judah had a lot of grief over Joseph (I would imagine).  He was stuck on his guilt and shame.  He likely believed his first two sons died because of his own guilt and shame.  I know I would have thought that.

Tamar had a different idea it would seem.

Tamar comforted Judah in his grief. We can’t ignore this. And. She planned ahead. She was not evil. She represented growth. Judah had gotten so low – he slept (unknowingly) with his daughter in law.  Most of us look at that with judgment.  Tamar didn’t. 

Tamar seemed to love Judah. Saw him at his worst. But knew he had within him – the potential to be a good man. Let’s get back to the story:

19Then she arose and went away, and she took off her veil, and she donned her widow’s garb.

20And Judah sent the kid by the hand of his Adullamite friend to take the pledge from the woman’s hand, but he did not find her.

21So he asked the people of the place, saying, “Where is the harlot who was at the crossroads on the way?” and they said, “No harlot was here.”

22So he returned to Judah, and he said, “I have not found her, and the people of the place also said, ‘No harlot was here.’ “

Tamar goes back and Judah follows through on his promise. He calls her a harlot – so he KNOWS what he did was looked down on society. 

The Torah tells us – “there was no harlot.”  Hashem saw the situation VERY differently than Judah did at the time.  Two different realities. Just like Jacob and Esau. 

23So Judah said, “Let her take [them] for herself, lest we become a laughingstock. Behold, I sent this kid, but you did not find her.”

He knew guilt and shame were appropriate for him to feel. And. It gets worse (from Judah’s perspective)

24Now it came about after nearly three months, that it was told to Judah, saying, “Your daughter in law Tamar has played the harlot, and behold, she is pregnant from harlotry.” So Judah said, “Bring her out, and let her be burned.”

Judah felt such guilt and shame over what he did? He projected that onto Tamar, didn’t he? She played the Harlot.  And instead of Judah seeing compassion and empathy and kindness? He saw anger. Because he was angry with himself. He slept with a Harlot (in his mind). He didn’t even consider Tamar in her grief making a poor choice. But this was all part of Tamar’s plan – to heal Judah’s wounds. To heal his guilt and shame.  Let’s keep going:

25She was taken out, and she sent to her father in law, saying, “From the man to whom these belong I am pregnant,” and she said, “Please recognize whose signet ring, cloak, and staff are these?”

26Then Judah recognized [them], and he said, “She is right, [it is] from me, because I did not give her to my son Shelah.” But he no longer continued to be intimate with her.

He must have felt extreme guilt and shame here. He owned his part in what happened. And he admitted his mistake.  He did not give Shelah (extract or prosper) to Tamar.  He did not give prosperity to Tamar. He withheld it.

And he made the decision not to be intimate with her. He seemingly learned his lesson.

I go back to what we were discussing a few days ago.  The check mark.  All of this takes place AFTER Jacob talks about “descending.”  We IMMEDIATELY get a story about Judah’s descension. 

And we can sit here and judge Judah. Or we can remain curious. Why does the Torah give us this story?             Because in order to go up, we much descend first. Judah was at the lowest of the low.  He had (without realizing it) reacted in a way – in judgment and NOT curiosity – to put to death his daughter in law AND his child.

There may have been a smidge of relief here – as his eyes were finally opened. He was awake.

Let’s bring this into our own lives.

Where are we feeling guilt and shame over our past?  Where we REGRET a decision we made (like Judah regretting what happened with Joseph).  We may not know how the regretful decision we made will turn out in the future – but we are stuck in the past and can’t let go of it. 

Growth and Development (Tamar) may represent within us – the divine feminine – the divine mother. Who loves us and knows us more than we know and love ourselves.  And she is there helping us grow, learn, develop.  Tamar teaches us to remain curious. To not judge. And to allow ourselves to grieve.  That to me is the lesson here.  I am curious as to your thoughts!

Ok. Let’s close the portion out:

27And it came about at the time she was giving birth, that behold, there were twins in her womb.

28And it came about when she gave birth, that he (the infant) stretched out his hand. So the midwife took and bound a crimson thread on his hand, saying, “This one came out first.”

29And it came about, as he was drawing back his hand, behold, his brother emerged, and she said, “With what strength you have strengthened yourself!” And he (Judah) named him Perez.

30Afterwards, his brother emerged, the one upon whose hand was the crimson thread, and he named him Zerah.

Ok. So. What I find fascinating here?  Not only did Judah save one child by recognizing and admitting his guilt and shame. He saved TWO.  Judah could have made a REALLY bad decision – and ignored Tamar because of his own embarrassment and put her to death as a harlot. He could have said “I don’t know who those items belong to.”

Judah was a good man here. He did things out of guilt and shame (and that doesn’t excuse the behavior) but he made the right choice when he needed to. 

Perez means “burst forth” or “breakthrough”

Zerah means – “arise” “dawn” or “sunrise.”

And look at that beauty.

Judah chose these names.  Judah was on a journey of awakening.  He THOUGHT Er was his awakening. But it wasn’t.  There was still healing that needed to happen. Tamar gave fruit to Judah – and his journey is now breaking through and rising up.

And this, my friends? Is the BEAUTY of the Torah.

If you have made it this far, thank you.  And. Really? This portion could be summed up with – “It is always darkest before the dawn.”

This portion is a summary of that.

And? Going into Hanukkah? Is a WONDERFUL reminder. The darkness approaching between Kislev and Tevet and the new moon? May be the darkest time before we take ACTION to light our way in the darkness. Instead of waiting for the external to shine light on us – we have the opportunity to take what we’ve learned since Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and shine light INTO the world. From within – to the outside.  Instead of asking the part of Hashem that exists outside us for support and light – it is time to connect with our Neshama (Hashem within us) and take action to shine light into the world.

And THIS is the dawn. This is the sunrise. This is our power.  Judah lost his positional power. He was demoted. He was brought down. But with Tamar? He grew. He reached the low. And it was time to rise.

Where do you need encouragement? Where have you felt low? Today we have a choice. We have choices:

• Do we choose to stay stuck? Or do we choose Tamar and grow.
• Do we choose to wake up? Do we trust we are NOT evil?
• Do we choose Trouble? Or do we choose Vigor?

Because those are our choices.  Notice – Jacob withheld Shelah from Tamar.  We don’t get a choice between extraction or prospering.  That? That is Hashem’s job.

The purpose of growth, development, fruit? To extract prosperity from each and every one of us. 

Those are my thoughts. I am curious about yours!