Wow. I think this morning what I have to share is big. It’s important.

Yesterday was my birthday. And first, thank you all for your well wishes and greetings on my birthday. It was truly one of the most special birthdays I’ve had in my 51 years.

Today’s Omer theme (we will get back to Torah study tomorrow) is “Malchut of Chesed.” Or “Dignity of love.”

From Chabad:

“Mature love comes with – and brings – personal dignity. An intimate feeling of nobility and regality. Knowing your special place and contribution in this world. Any love that is debilitating and breaks the human spirit is no love at all. For love to be complete it must have the dimension of personal sovereignty.

Exercise for the day: Highlight an aspect in your love that has bolstered your spirit and enriched your life – and celebrate.”

The key line for me is “Any love that is debilitating and breaks the human spirit is no love at all. For love to be complete it must have the dimension of personal sovereignty.”

When I went to my weekly therapy session yesterday (great birthday present, BTW), I told my therapist – “I figured out my problem. I want to control the uncontrollable.” I wasn’t referring to people. I was referring to circumstances. But there was a deeper meaning this morning I realized.

In therapy, we did a lot of work yesterday between my head and body. There was a moment where the energy moved out of my body and into my head. I realized my body had been holding onto a lot of trauma from my past. My brain had created “order” so it didn’t have to navigate it. For a brief moment, my brain was full of chaos, and my body was at rest.

This morning, I read this passage from Mark Nepo’s “book of Awakening”:

“This holds a powerful lesson: Time and time again, the head must be brought beneath the heart or the ego swells. If you do not bend, life will bend you. In this way, humility is accepting that your head belongs beneath your heart, with your thinking subordinate to your feeling, with your will subordinate to the higher order. This acceptance is key to receiving grace.

Lay your head down and the world of being will open its joys.”

“Humility is accepting that your head belongs beneath your heart, with your thinking subordinate to your feeling, with your will subordinate to the higher order.” Is the key line.

In other words. My mind has been the Dom, and my feelings the sub. However, this is ego. My Mind must instead bend to the will of my feelings.

And then, this morning as I was journaling. I started writing about how I was feeling:

“I need to experience the feelings.

I’m feeling satisfied. But I am also feeling conflicted. I’m feeling insecure. I’m feeling love. I’m feeling dignity restored. I’m feeling fear. I’m feeling confident.

This is why I don’t like this work. There are no clear answers. And this is humility. My trauma wants me to disconnect from my heart. Because it’s chaos. There is no order. I’ve created order in my head to control the uncontrollable.”

And this is the lesson. Feelings aren’t ordered. They are chaotic. Feelings connected to trauma? Even worse. To be in a moment and feel both confidence and insecurity literally makes NO SENSE. And so my mind jumps right in to MAKE IT MAKE SENSE. Instead of resting and giving dignity to the idea that in a moment I can feel insecure AND confident. Because honestly? I have felt shame about that for too long.

This is the attempt to control the uncontrollable. I can’t control my feelings. I can try. I can try to make them my sub. My mind can whip the feelings and reframe them, manipulate itself and convince itself of realities to try and change the feelings. All to avoid the chaos of feeling conflicted and satisfied at the same time.

Instead of trying to convince myself “something is wrong” if I feel feelings that make no sense? I need to embrace and give air to these various emotions. To allow my mind to get out of the way of my heart. And live according to my feelings.

And this? This is the dignity of love.

For love to be complete? As Chabad wrote “it must have the dimension of personal sovereignty.”

What are your thoughts?