Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 6 Tishri, 5784
So. Today is an interesting portion. And I am going to expand on what I wrote a week ago.
Last week I wrote about stress (see the link below). And how we are called to “feel the stress – not be the stress.”
As I reflect deeper on this portion, I wonder if there is something more and deep to reflect on in our “Days of Awe” journey. Something we don’t often talk about.
Pain.
The definition of pain in it’s literal form is “physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.”
But I think this definition is limiting.
I wonder if there is a distinction between pain and suffering?
Hashem in the Torah doesn’t keep the Israelites away from pain. He doesn’t even keep them away from suffering – to a degree. But there is a limit to the suffering He allows the Israelites to go through. But it would seem like there is a distinction.
This week I have been navigating my fourth bout of COVID. And I think the message is clear. The pain of COVID (and trust me, this time the muscle pain was significant) was something I was navigating.
And just like stress – “feel the stress, don’t be the stress.” I wonder if we are called to “feel the pain, don’t be the pain.”
Pain can be a catalyst for growth and change. This week, with COVID, I was forced to stay home from work and rest. With a lot of quiet time on my hands. For those of you who know me and my ADHD; this isn’t always an easy process.
But I have a choice – to identify with the pain – or to just feel the pain. Experience the pain. And instead of “suffering” (which I might argue is identifying as the pain) I instead chose to allow myself to feel it. Be mindful of it.
Yes. I took ibuprofen at times because the pain became unbearable. I have that choice. But I didn’t choose to “suffer” in my pain – I chose to thrive.
Now – let’s bring this home.
How often do we identify with the pain we’ve caused others? The suffering we’ve caused others? How often does this bring up feelings of shame and guilt within us – because we’ve hurt people unintentionally.
I shared this thought (as I often do) with someone yesterday: “I am not responsible for someone else’s feelings – we are all adults and responsible for navigating our own emotional regulation and feelings.”
And they responded with something that blew my mind because I hadn’t considered it. They said:
“That is true unless you tried to cause the feeling intentionally”
I just sat and reflected on this.
And this is the internal conflict, isn’t it?
When someone says “You hurt me” we have a choice to make internally. Did I hurt them intentionally? Was that unintentional? Why are my intentions important?
If I hurt someone unintentionally, they are still hurt. I still care. I still empathize and have compassion.
But if I hurt them intentionally? I bear the weight of responsibility for their reaction and feelings.
And this internal debate is a challenge. And it is often easier to have someone external define this FOR us.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
And if their response is “I appreciate that – thanks” it alleviates our responsibility for how they feel.
If their response is “I don’t believe you caused this pain unintentionally?” Now we are in a bind. Because we either have to accept THEIR reality – or stand firm in ours.
And I’ll confess. There are times I believe I caused pain unintentionally – and was told it was intentional.
And I accepted that. AND WITH IT the responsibility for their feelings of hurt.
Even though – they may not wanted to have taken responsibility for THEIR feelings by projecting the cause of the pain onto me. Even though it may have been their emotional trauma that was triggered by my unintentional behavior.
And vice versa.
This external locus of control for our own reality with the pain we’ve caused? That’s the work.
And if I love someone – if I care about them- it won’t matter where the intention lies – we care for them in their pain. The issue is our own internal feelings of responsibility. I can be at fault and not be responsible for their healing. If I know I intentionally caused the pain – even at a subconscious level? I have more responsibility to heal that pain with them.
There is more to explore here for sure. But as we approach Yom Kippur and Shabbat Shuva – and we explore the pain we’ve caused others – both intentionally and unintentionally – the issue is all internal. What work do we need to do within?
I am curious to your thoughts!
Feel the pain. Don’t be the pain.
Here are my thoughts from last week on today’s portion:
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