Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 9 Cheshvan, 5784
Parsha Lekh Lekha: (Genesis 12:1 -17:27) 
Third Portion: Genesis 13:5 – 18

Today’s portion is SUPER fascinating as we’ve been discussing the idea of differentiation.

To bring us back – here’s what I wrote on the Sixth of Cheshvan, 5784:

This morning I’ve been reading about family systems.  And the idea and concept at the fulcrum is the idea of “differentiation” – “the ability to think as an individual while staying meaningfully connected to others.” (From the Book “growing Yourself Up: How to Bring Your Best to All of Life’s Relationships” by Jenny Brown, Phd.

This idea of “differentiation” describes the varying capacity each person has to balance their emotions and their intellect, and to balance their need to be attached with their need to be a separate self.

I think this is an important framework to be thinking about as we read today’s portion:

• Thinking as an individual while staying meaningfully connected to others
• The capacity we have to balance our emotions and intellect.
• The capacity we have to balance our need to be attached with our need to be a separate self

Because I think this is the story of Abram and Lot in today’s portion.  AND – if you dig into what I wrote the past two years, you will see me swirling around this idea without really hitting on it.  Let’s dig in:

Genesis 13:5-10:

5And also Lot, who went with Abram, had flocks and cattle and tents.

6And the land did not bear them to dwell together, for their possessions were many, and they could not dwell together.

7And there was a quarrel between the herdsmen of Abram’s cattle and between the herdsmen of Lot’s cattle, and the Canaanites and the Perizzites were then dwelling in the land.

8And Abram said to Lot, “Please let there be no quarrel between me and between you and between my herdsmen and between your herdsmen, for we are kinsmen.

9Is not all the land before you? Please part from me; if [you go] left, I will go right, and if [you go] right, I will go left.”

10And Lot raised his eyes, and he saw the entire plain of the Jordan, that it was entirely watered; before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, like the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt, as you come to Zoar.

Abram and Lot were family.  They were connected.  That connection was important. So special, that when Hashem told Abram to “go” only Sarai and Lot were mentioned going WITH Abram.  This wasn’t just “some dude” so when the land couldn’t sustain both Abram and Lot – what did Abram do?

Abram differentiated. He kept the peace.  He did not want to quarrel with Lot.  He let go of control. Abram balanced his emotions with his intellect.  Abram could have easily taken the tactic “I brought you with me, I am in charge. I will go this way, and you will go that way.”  But no.  Abram gave LOT the power to decide.  He let LOT choose. Abram trusted the process.  He knew control was not the tactic here.  His connection with Lot was more important than having control. Talk about maturity!!!

And Hashem rewarded him (Genesis 13:11-18):

11And Lot chose for himself the entire plain of the Jordan, and Lot traveled from the east, and they parted from one another.

12Abram dwelt in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelt in the cities of the plain, and he pitched his tents until Sodom.

13And the people of Sodom were very evil and sinful against the Lord.

14And the Lord said to Abram after Lot had parted from him, “Please raise your eyes and see, from the place where you are, northward and southward and eastward and westward.

15For all the land that you see I will give to you and to your seed to eternity.

16And I will make your seed like the dust of the earth, so that if a man will be able to count the dust of the earth, so will your seed be counted.

17Rise, walk in the land, to its length and to its breadth, for I will give it to you.”

18And Abram pitched his tents, and he came, and he dwelt in the plain of Mamre, which is in Hebron, and there he built an altar to the Lord.

Verse 14 is the fulcrum.  Hashem tells Abram – it’s going to go well for you. You will have abundance. Abram separated himself from Lot.  Let go. Abram was able to let go of Sarai. Abram seemed to be able to navigate meaningful connections AND staying independent.

Let’s bring this home. Here are my questions:

• How often do we allow the thoughts, beliefs, values, energy, and/or words of others, control us and our emotions?
• How often do we REACT emotionally to external forces instead of observing them and RESPONDING to them?
• How often do we care MORE about the feelings of others than doing what is best for US? Not from a place of ego, but from a place of care and compassion for our own heart?

You see; we struggle to differentiate. When someone defines us as lazy as a kid? We take that identity on the rest of our lives. It controls us. We believe it. We forgo our own beliefs about ourselves. Their reality becomes ours.  And when we encounter ten people who tell us “you are a hard worker” we IGNORE that data for the one person who says “that’s lazy” to us. We are triggered.  Because we CHOOSE to believe what others tell us instead of trusting ourselves. Trusting the universe. Trusting Hashem.

We now have TWO stories of Abram trusting Hashem to work things out for him.  Abram was not connected to the outcome of the RELATIONSHIP between he and Sarai.  Or he and Lot.  Abram just trusted.

What if we weren’t called “lazy” as a kid? What if we were called “smart?” How much pressure would we feel to be smart in everything we do? Would it drive us? What about worse things like “slut” or “stupid?”

Past trauma creates learning that allows us to filter data from external forces in a way that ignores COUNTER data and only receives REINFORCING data.  Because we feel SAFETY in the identity – whether its “lazy” or “stupid” or “smart,” rather than being open to the possibility it’s both/and; there are times we work hard, there are times we need comfort and want to veg. There are times we are wise, and sometimes we are foolish.  This isn’t our identity. This is just us.  Can we separate out our intellectual processing and our emotional processing?  This is the past to freedom and liberation.  Let me remind us again of how we started:

To bring us back – here’s what I wrote on the Sixth of Cheshvan, 5784:

This morning I’ve been reading about family systems.  And the idea and concept at the fulcrum is the idea of “differentiation” – “the ability to think as an individual while staying meaningfully connected to others.” (From the Book “growing Yourself Up: How to Bring Your Best to All of Life’s Relationships” by Jenny Brown, Phd.

 This idea of “differentiation” describes the varying capacity each person has to balance their emotions and their intellect, and to balance their need to be attached with their need to be a separate self.

I think this is an important framework to be thinking about as we read today’s portion:

• Thinking as an individual while staying meaningfully connected to others
• The capacity we have to balance our emotions and intellect.
• The capacity we have to balance our need to be attached with our need to be a separate self

These are my thoughts.  What are yours?

Here is my commentary from the past two years:

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 7 Cheshvan, 5783

As I read this morning’s portion and my thoughts from last year, the idea of having relationships where we can be close AND have boundaries is super important. The Torah teaches us that we don’t have to integrate our lives all the time. We can have separate and close lives; support one another, but not be “together.” Especially with those in our lives we don’t share values with.

I’m also looking within, and wondering if I do this internally. Do I separate out parts of who I am that I feel guilty and ashamed of; and does that (like we know what happens to Lot) result in a Sodom and Gomorrah experience?

The conflict between Abram and Lot wasn’t resolved. The unresolved internal conflicts we struggle with? I wonder if those end up rearing their ugly heads time and time again?

Just some thoughts on this Torah portion as we reflect on freedom and liberation.

Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 6 Heshvan, 5782

Today’s portion is about Abram and Lot, and how they separated ways. Quarrels developed between the two communities. Abram spoke to Lot and said he did not want to fight. He let Lot choose land to go to and separate himself from Abram.

Then, once Lot left, Hashem spoke to Abram, telling him that he was giving all the land to him and his families.

Some interesting thoughts. Rashi wrote how Hashem did not speak to Abram while Abram was in the company of Lot, because Lot was wicked. As soon as Lot left, Hashem spoke.

Rabbi Schneerson wrote; “The Torah tells us Lot’s story, not to inform us of his wickedness, but to teach us that Abram’s goal was that even a wicked person such as Lot should come to appreciate Hashem and display self-sacrifice to fulfill God’s will. When it became necessary for Abram to send lot away, Abram to send Lot away, Abram still kept a strong connection with him saying “Wherever you live, I will not distance myself from you, and I will stand by you as a protector and a helper.” (Schneerson is quoting Rashi here).

Abram’s commitment to a lot was so strong that he was willing to risk his life to fight a war against four kings to save Lot, and it was this that finally convinced Lot of the greatness of Abram and the truth of his teachings.

We find that even though Lot remained wicked and dwelled in Sodom, he was nevertheless inspired by Abram’s self-sacrifice, to the extent that he too risked his own life in order to welcome guests.”

This challenges me. There are many people in my life who I would want to distance myself from (don’t worry, none of them are you!). Abram lived his life according to the way Hashem desired, and yet still tried to keep peace with those around him, to the point of going to war.

That’s love that challenges my concepts. That’s family that goes beyond what I often see lived out in society.

I wonder if the idea of Abram and Lot separating was more of a spiritual idea, where Abram was able to keep himself apart from Lot spiritually, but physically was ready to provide and help Lot with what he needed.

There are boundaries – but those boundaries should not block risking our selves for another in the name of family. Or love.

Just something I’m chewing on this morning.

What do you think? What challenges do you have? What do you take out of the story of Abram and Lot and separating ways?

One bonus thought. After Hashem showed Abram all he was going to give him, Abram pitched his tent and built an alter to God.

Any thoughts of these “altars to God” that our ancestors built? What would building an altar to God look like today?