Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 10 Iyar, 5783
25th Day of the Omer.
Today’s Omer Theme is Netzach of Natzach – Determination of Determination. Endurance of Endurance. Forbearance of Forbearance.
From Chabad:
Examine the endurance aspect of endurance, its expression and intensity. Everyone has willpower and determination. We have the capacity to endure much more than we can imagine, and to prevail under the most trying of circumstances.
Ask yourself: Is my behavior erratic? Am I inconsistent and unreliable? Since I have will and determination, why am I so mercurial? Am I afraid of accessing my endurance and committing? Do I fear being trapped by my commitment? If yes, why? Is it a reaction to some past trauma? Instead of cultivating endurance in healthy areas, have I developed a capacity for endurance of unhealthy experiences? Do I endure more pain than pleasure? Do I underestimate my capacity to endure?
Exercise for the day: Commit yourself to developing a new good habit.
I am struck by the question of whether we have developed a capacity for endurance in unhealthy experiences? Are we afraid to access my endurance and commitment? Do we fear being trapped by our commitment? Do we endure more plain than pleasure?
Are all of these a reaction to past trauma? Why?
I am struck by my own heart. I have the capacity to endure a lot of pain. I underestimate my capacity to endure. And people will tell me “but you have endured a LOT.”
But if I am honest? Where I am unwilling to endure? When things go well. I crumble. If things start working in a direction that benefits me? I go to the place (of what Brene Brown calls) Foreboding Joy.
I can’t just accept joy as a part of my life. I struggle to endure joy.
How does this connect to our Torah portion?
I think of the “Holy Meal.”
I often get afraid when I sit down to “consume” Joy in my life. I think I connect Joy with being unblemished. I know I am blemished. So I cannot experience the “holy meal” of Joy.
Where did this idea come from? That only priests experience joy? Because as I read the Torah, it would seem this is counter. Think of the rules they had to endure.
I am driven towards holiness because I believe it will somehow bring joy.
This morning, I also read this article on two types of happy people. Really it was couched with two great philosophers – Epicurus and Epictetus.
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/01/how-balance-hard-work-and-pleasure-happiness/617847/
One focuses on virtue. The other focuses on enjoyment.
True happiness comes from balancing both. Those of you who know me – especially the past 18 months – know that I am working on this balance. Of just “enjoying” life. I have fully focused on being “holy” and doing the “right” things. There was a lot of rigidity in my life.
But my writing and reading as of late seems to be indicating that as i arrive to each moment – I am struck with figuring out how to balance the joy of the moment and doing what is right. Most times? That is easy. Other times – a challenge.
Because when I come to a moment and feel joy? The trigger in me is to believe i am doing something “wrong.”
This is a retraining of my brain and lens in which I see the world. I imagine I am not alone in this.
What are your thoughts?
This is my commentary from a year ago on this passage:
Tyler’s Torah Thoughts for 8 Iyar, 5782
Today is the 23rd day of the Omer; and again the theme this week is determination.
Todays portion begins with another tough portion. The Torah talks about “blemishes” and not serving Hashem in the temple.
Let’s hit the Torah:
We start by seemingly defining “blemishes.”
A blind man, a lame one, one with a sunken nose or disproportionate limbs, a man with a broken leg or a broken arm, one with unusually long eyebrows; a cataract, an imperfect iris, dry lesions, weeping sores, or crushed testicles.
So let me say, my first thought it is the inclusion of broken legs and broken arms. I don’t know too many people who haven’t had that. But this provides my heart some comfort knowing that I would be included in the list of blemishes. I would not be able to serve as a priest.
The Torah does say a blemished priest may eat God’s food both from the most holy sacrifices and from the less holy ones.
So we are welcome to eat at God’s table; even with our blemishes. We are just not called to serve Him.
And there is a logic that does seem to emerge here; that maybe the idea that those with blemishes can’t serve because their purpose is to be served? That seems compassionate.
I’m curious as to your thoughts.
Next we have passages about what happens when a priest is ritually impure:
1. If anyone is ritually unclean and comes near to eat the holy sacrifices – that soul will be cut off from before God.
So. Blemishes? You are welcome to be at God’s table. Ritual impurity? No. You need to wait until you are cleansed.
Next we get a repeat of something’s we learned prior; Tzara’at suffers, those who contacted a dead body, seminal emissions, contacting a creeping creature, etc. they are ritually impure until evening – and may not eat until they are immersed in the mikveh. When the sun sets us becomes Ritually pure.
Next we learn non-priests may not heat holy terumah.
Priests who had slaves – those slaves could eat of the holy meal, but other slaves cannot.
If a priests daughter marries a non priest she may no longer eat the holy meal.
However if the priests daughters non-priest husband dies, and she has not children, she gets to go back to her priestly status and eat.
So all of this is talking about the holy meal. And we learn; although those with blemishes may not serve the meal, they can eat it.
What are your thoughts?
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